Where You Are
by misspensandscribbles
Summary: Set after Season 12 Episode 3. What if April listened to Jackson and stopped fighting for the both of them? Will they ever realize that they're actually worth fighting for?
1. Chapter 1

" _You do. You do just stop. You know what they call that? Divorce."_

She couldn't believe what she heard. _Divorce._ She spent the whole night saying the word over and over again in her head, turning it upside down and inside out, looking for a hole in there somewhere that would leak the life out of it until it disappeared. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe he never actually said it.

But he did. And it was all she could see, all she could hear and all she could think about.

She was wrong to go back to the war zone, she knew that. But she also knew how wrong it would've felt if she chose to stay. Every single day at that hospital reminded her of what she lost, of what was left of her and how it all wasn't enough to keep her going anymore.

After her first tour, she thought she got what she needed. She and Jackson had some trouble adjusting to her coming home, but she felt hopeful… until the tunnel collapse happened and she found herself looking on as Meredith showed their patient his newborn baby. Even with Jackson's hand on her shoulder, she couldn't stop herself from spiraling back into her own dark little tunnel.

So she left. Again. But now that she's back and more determined than ever to stay and fight her demons, Jackson had demanded her to leave. He was sleeping on the couch and she was in their bed, but she was the one who didn't belong in this house anymore.

"I am a solider," she whispered to herself, willing herself to keep it together.

 _Divorce._ She hated that word. She could feel her heart breaking a little more each time she said it, until she just couldn't convince herself any longer.

"No, I'm not," she thought. "I'm just… broken."

Then she let her tears flow freely. She cried until she couldn't. And when her body slowly began to give in to sleep, she wondered how long a broken heart could keep on breaking before there's nothing left of it.

* * *

Footsteps on the hardwood floor woke Jackson up on the couch. It took him awhile to realize April was there, with her duffel bag slung over her shoulder. The first thing he noticed was how small and tired she looked.

"You were right," she said softly. "This is your house and I don't want you to feel like a prisoner in your own home." She gathered the rest of her things and made her way to the door.

He didn't know what to say. He'd been asking her to leave ever since she got back, but the sight of her actually moving out made him forget that he was the one who asked for this. Seeing her leave, he thought desperately of something to say but he couldn't think of any. Instead, he just watched her walk toward their – his – front door and hang her keys on the hook – the hook she insisted on putting there.

She turned around to look at him. "I really am sorry, Jackson," she said, before closing the door behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: This is my first attempt at fan fiction and I have no idea how to respond to reviews, so I just want to say a quick but very sincere thanks for all the kind words. :)**

* * *

It had been three days since April left the house. Jackson kept telling himself it was for the best – for whose best, he couldn't say. She already left him twice before, and that was even worse because she went to a combat zone.

But this, this is different, a part of him said. This time, he was the one who told her to leave. And she did. He had expected her to argue some more. He honestly thought she wouldn't ever leave. Now that she did, he didn't know what to feel.

They'd managed not to come across each other since then because of their different shifts. Jackson wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Seeing her would be awkward and difficult – he didn't know what he'd say to her. But not seeing her was just as difficult, if not more. He didn't know where she was staying or how she was doing, and that bothered him to no end. So what happens now, he thought.

 _Divorce._ He hated that he said it. He hated himself even more for saying it _to_ her. He was hurt that she left him and he was mad at her for expecting him to welcome her back with open arms. How could he? She knew that he didn't want her to leave, that he wouldn't be there anymore when she came back, but she left anyway. And when she returned, she kept pushing him into fixing their relationship when he was far from that mindset yet. She just kept pushing and pushing until he had no other choice but to push back. Hard. So he said it.

" _This is the mud,"_ she had told him. _"And we just have to pull each other through it._

"No, April," he thought. " _I'm_ in the mud. You left me here when you decided to go to the other side of the world. Now you're back and you want me to pull myself through it. For you. And I'm not sure I want to right now."

For three days, Jackson had been alternating between anger and loneliness. In one moment, he would be grateful for being able to come home to an empty house without April going on and on about vows and promises. It infuriated him when she talked about not giving up on their marriage because that's exactly what she did.

But in the next, he would suddenly find himself missing the way they would talk to each other about their day. He missed the little smirk she'd give him whenever he teased her. Truth be told, he missed her even more now than when she was back in Jordan because he realized that this might be it. After all the fights and arguments, April finally gave in to what he wanted and somehow he knew that she wouldn't return until… well, until he asked her to.

Would he ever ask her to though? He missed her, yes, but did he want her back? He honestly didn't know.

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't hear Alex call his name as he entered the cafeteria.

"Avery!" Alex practically shouted in his ear.

"Ow!" What the hell, man?" Jackson demanded.

"What's up with you today? You've been more self-absorbed than usual," quipped Alex.

"What do you want, Karev?" Jackson grumbled.

"Have you seen Kepner?" asked Alex. "Someone's looking for her."

"A patient?"

"No, he said he's a friend." When Alex saw Jackson's puzzled reaction, he added, "And he's pretty good-looking too."

He rolled his eyes in an attempt to make light of the uncomfortable situation he suddenly found himself in. "No, I haven't seen April and you probably wouldn't either since she's not on shift," he said.

Now it was Alex's turn to be confused. He raised his eyebrow. "Dude, we came in together. She's here."

Shocked, Jackson didn't have anything to say to that. He hadn't seen her the whole morning. And she wasn't in the cafeteria either. So where was she?

Alex gave him a weird look. "Never mind, I'll find her," Alex said as he walked away. "It would be wrong to keep a good-looking guy waiting too long!"

"What good-looking guy?" asked Arizona, who appeared out of nowhere.

"April's, uh, friend," Jackson mumbled. Maybe it was finding out that there was a man looking for his wife or maybe it was that his wife might have spent the whole morning intentionally avoiding him, but he succumbed to a moment of weakness and asked Arizona, "Speaking of April, do you know where she's been staying these past couple of days?"

Arizona's eyes widened in shock. "Wait, she moved out? When did she move out?"

"I… she didn't tell you?" he stammered.

"No, she didn't," said Arizona as he smacked him in the arm. "And how could you?"

"I didn't do – "

"Yeah, you did," snapped Arizona, walking away before he had the chance to finish what he was saying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I started writing this story right after the end of the 12x03 so I had no idea how the Jackson-April story line would go. If you watched Episode 6, you'll know that a friend of April from the army appears, which is what I had planned for my story. So I decided to include that character (Nathan) in my story instead of the character I made up (RIP Wes the army guy) because I honestly like April's friendship with him [so far]. Background story and everything else are from my head. :)**

* * *

Eating her microwaved lasagna in the on-call room, April felt dejected. It reminded her of her high school days when she didn't have anyone to eat lunch with. True, she had Arizona, but having lunch with her might've led to seeing Jackson and she couldn't handle seeing him. She didn't know where their relationship was headed or even how Jackson felt about her, but she was sure of one thing – Jackson wanted a break from her. And for the first time since she came back, she was determined to give him that, not because she wanted to, but because if she did see him, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from talking to him and that would just push him further away. She hadn't even told Arizona that she moved out yet. Telling someone meant it was for good and she didn't want it to be for good.

After leaving his place, she booked a hotel room and had been staying there since. The last home cooked meal she had was the "boiled bunny" Jackson refused to eat. She was hoping she could reschedule her shifts in the next month or so to avoid seeing him, but she knew that was impossible. Now that she was in the same building as Jackson, she was quickly running out of ways to dodge him. Her head began to hurt from all the careful planning and strategizing she had to do all morning.

She was about to close her eyes to take a quick nap when the door swung open. And when she saw who was standing at the doorway, a different kind of hurt seeped in.

"Jackson," was all that she could say.

Clearly not expecting to see her, Jackson stood in helpless uncertainty. But then a few seconds in, he found himself wanting to tell her so many things at once. What surprised him was that of all the things he wanted to say to her, none of them had anything to do with their fight or the stranger who was looking for her. He wanted to talk about his day and he wanted to ask her about hers. He wanted to tell her about the risky surgery he did the other day and how everything went perfectly because he wanted to hear her say how proud she was of him. He simply wanted to have a nice conversation with his wife.

But he couldn't. Because he made her leave. He couldn't expect to have a good talk with someone he forced out of his house. No one could.

But April did. She wanted him to speak, to say anything, even if it wasn't directed to her, even if it was to hurt her. She hadn't heard his voice since the night of their big argument and she missed it terribly. So when he didn't say anything, it crushed her.

Taking his silence as rejection, she quickly stood up and gathered her things. "No worries," she said in a cheerful tone that was as fake as the implants Jackson did on a patient earlier that day. "I was just about to leave anyway."

As she passed him, Jackson blurted out, "April, wait." He didn't know what to say but he didn't want her to go either. He hadn't seen her in three days and seeing her now brought him incredible relief and comfort. And he wanted to hold on to that as long as he could because he didn't know when the next time would be. He missed her.

"What?" April asked timidly. Hope began to bubble within her. Maybe he finally wanted to talk things over. She wanted to tell him everything she was feeling right then and there, but she stopped herself. That's what had gotten her into this mess in the first place. She wasn't about to make that mistake all over again. So she just looked at him with eyes that she hoped told him how badly she wanted to come back home.

Gazing at her, Jackson saw it. At that moment, half of him wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her that yes, she can come back home. The other half wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. _How could you leave me?_ a voice inside him screamed at her, _I was in pain too! I needed you and you left me!_

"Where are you staying?" he asked instead.

"I – "

"Kepner!" Alex had appeared in the hall.

April turned to him with an annoyed look. She turned back to Jackson to answer his question, but he cut her off.

"He's been looking for you since this morning," he said calmly. "You should see what he wants. I need to get some shuteye."

Then he closed the door.

"What?" she asked, all timidity now replaced with annoyance.

"Someone's looking for you at the lobby," said Alex, who saw from afar the awkward exchange between her and Jackson.

"A patient?" she asked.

"No," replied Alex. "He said his name's Nathan, said he's your army friend." When he got close enough to the on call room door, he added in a loud voice, "He's also really good-looking."

"Are you sure?" April was so surprised to hear that name, she didn't hear the rest of what Alex said.

"What am I? Your secretary? How the hell should I know?" Alex countered. "Go to the lobby and find out yourself."

She hesitated. Her mind was racing. She wanted to go back in the on call room and tell Jackson that she's staying at a hotel and that she hated every minute of it and that she wanted to come home. Maybe it's best to leave out the last two, she thought, but she wanted to talk to him again. After she moved out, she imagined so many ways of how their first conversation was going to be like and none of them was like the one they just had. It couldn't even count as a conversation.

But then Jackson did close the door. Maybe that meant he was done for now and that going back in there would only make things worse. Her head began to hurt again. _This is too damn hard._

Sighing, she decided to take his cue. She took off to the lobby, leaving Alex standing outside the on call room.

* * *

After closing the door, Jackson paced back and forth in the tiny room. He was pissed. Why did she ever have to leave – twice! What comfort was she able to find overseas that he couldn't give to her here? Did she even stop to consider what he was feeling the entire time she was there? And why the hell did Alex have to show up when he did?

And why didn't he just wait for her to answer his question? He knew she was about to tell him where she'd been staying, but he had to cut her off and close the damn door on her.

So instead of knowing where his wife had been staying, he was stuck in the room, waiting. He told her he needed to sleep, but that was a lie. He was looking for her. He wasn't planning on actually talking to her. He just needed to see her from a distance, needed to know if she was actually on shift like Alex said. The last thing he expected was to catch her all by herself with no other choice but to acknowledge her.

He hated himself for it. He hated how she made him do things he wouldn't ever do – like lock himself in the on call room because Alex was talking to his wife about another man. He wanted to know who this man was. Why was he looking for her?

There were so many thoughts circling his head all at once. In his frustration, he ended up punching the wall just as Alex opened the door.

Alex, suddenly sensing the gravity of the situation, offered, "Hey man, I was kidding, he actually looks like a stray dog."

"Shut up," grumbled Jackson, before walking out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

When April got to the lobby, no one was waiting for her. At first, she thought maybe Alex got it wrong. Maybe the visitor wasn't for her. Maybe it wasn't Nathan. She wanted it to be though. The last time she saw him was months ago, before he left Jordan.

And now that everything in her life was beginning to unravel, she needed something good in her life. And Nathan was good. She needed Nathan.

* * *

She met him in the small chapel at the army base. They had caught each other in the chapel a couple of times already but hadn't actually spoken to each other. After some time, April realized they were almost always the only ones there so one day she decided to strike up a conversation with him.

"I got to admit I'm surprised," she said. "With everything that goes on around here, I expected more people showing up at this place."

He looked at her and smiled. "A lot of these boys don't like the quiet," he said. "They'd much rather hear gunshots than their own thoughts."

April saw a touch of sadness in his eyes and she knew he'd been here much longer than she had and that he'd probably seen much worse.

"What do you pray for?" she asked him softly.

"My wife," he said. "She's seven months pregnant."

"Girl or boy?" she asked.

"Boy," he replied.

"Oh," was all she could say. She felt a sharp pang in her chest. The chaos of the war saved her from spending her every waking moment dwelling on that part of her life. Even Jackson was kept at the back of her mind with all the surgeries and trauma she constantly dealt with. When she's working, that's all there was – procedures, tools and the broken body in front of her. She thrived in every second of it. She was helping people and saving lives, and she felt good. There were times though that a little voice in her head told her that the reason she loved doing what she did was more for what she _wasn't_ feeling than anything else.

Now, in the quiet, everything came rushing back. It was then she understood why no one else came to the chapel besides her and this man. And she wondered how many of them, like her, were here not because they wanted to run off to war but because they wanted to run away from a war of their own.

"How about you, what do you pray for?"

She looked at him intently, trying to see if he was the kind of person she could share the truth with. After Samuel's death, the truth wasn't something she wanted to say out loud, especially to someone else. The truth was half of her heart died with him. The other half was always in pain. The truth was she spent every free minute she had at the hospital nursery by herself, looking at newborn babies and reminding herself what was taken from her.

The truth was she never said anything to Jackson because she didn't want him to hurt like she was hurting. She was always thinking of the time she stayed with him as he was cleaning the bodies of two police brothers who died in a shooting. He had talked about how Sloan treated him like a son. _"I want to do that,"_ he had told her. _"P_ _ass it on to someone."_ All she could think of was the son they lost, the son Jackson would never be able to pass on his knowledge to. That night, she told herself she would stop bringing Samuel up again.

That was the truth.

Sitting in a chapel with this man she just started talking to, she wanted to tell him everything. There are truths, she realized, that are easier to say to strangers than to the people she loved. There are truths that strangers can handle better than loved ones - because they don't get hurt when they hear it, because they can let go of it whenever they choose to. So she decided to tell him the whole truth. But maybe she should start with the simplest truth of all, she thought.

"My husband might not be there when I get back," she said. "He didn't want me to leave, but I left anyway and now he's probably already left me."

"Why did you leave then?" he was looking at her with gentle eyes. There was no judgment in them.

Why did she leave? She wanted to say it was complicated, that it's hard to explain and that he couldn't possibly understand even if she did. In all honesty though, the answer was quite simple.

"Our baby died."

It was the first time she ever said it. It hurt her to say it out loud, but it was the good kind of hurt. It wasn't like a band aid being ripped off a wound. It was more like a gauze being slowly removed until the wound was out in the open - it stung a bit, but it was also kind of relieving. And now that she was far away from home, far away from Jackson's concerned, loving and beautiful eyes, she found it okay to hurt. It was one step closer to going home. It was the first time she ever said it, and it wasn't going to be the last.

She wasn't looking at him when she said it. She was looking at the cross. After all the resentment she felt toward the God who took away her son, it amazed her how she still found comfort in it. It's why she kept coming back to that small and empty chapel. If she were looking at him at that moment, she wouldn't have seen what she usually saw in the eyes of the people she left back home - pity. She would have seen what men surrounded by war often felt when confronted with death - acceptance.

He stood up from the pew he was sitting on and walked the few steps toward April until he was standing beside her. And then he offered his hand. Looking up at him, she took it.

"I'm Nathan," he said, as he shook her hand.

"April," she replied.

She nodded her head to the space beside her, giving Nathan a silent invitation to sit down, which he accepted. They spent the next few minutes in silence, both of them just looking at the cross in front of them that seemed to shine brighter than it had minutes ago. To an outsider, they looked like two people sharing a moment of peace. But in him was a raging fire.

And in her was a stormy ocean.

* * *

"Hey!" Arizona chirped, again appearing out of nowhere. "I thought you'd be in the ER. That's what I told your friend. He's probably there right now."

"Alex said he was here," April replied. "Anyway, okay, thanks!"

She was about to make her way to the ER when Arizona held her arm.

"You didn't tell me you moved out of Jackson's place," said Arizona, concern apparent in her voice. "You know you can stay at my place."

Hearing it out loud hit April like a ton of bricks. She knew someone would eventually find out, but she didn't expect hearing it from someone else would add vinegar to the wound that hadn't even begun to heal yet.

"You know me, Arizona," she said, trying to sound like nothing was wrong. "If I stay with you, I won't be able to keep my mouth shut and I'm just going to drive you crazy. Remember the time I stayed with you and Callie? I'm actually saving you. And I'm okay, okay? It's been three days and I think I'm starting to get used to it. I'm so totally okay."

"Yeah, you babble when you're not okay," Arizona said, crossing her arms and clearly not buying it. "You're not okay."

"I..," she stammered. "Can we talk about this some other time? Nathan's probably waiting for me."

"Okay," Arizona sighed. She understood what her friend was going through. "You know where to find me if you need to talk."

April gave her a sad smile before heading off to the ER.


	5. Chapter 5

In the chaos of the ER, Jackson forgot about April for a moment. His patient had a deep laceration on her forehead and it was bleeding profusely. Just as he was done stitching her up, paramedics wheeled in an elderly man who was a victim of a gunshot wound and was clearly in a critical state. In a hurry to get to him, he accidentally ran into a man standing beside the ER counter.

"Oh!" said Jackson.

"Sorry, I…" the man started, hesitating when he got a good look at Jackson. Then he smiled. "You're –"

"Dr. Avery! We need you!" one of the nurses shouted. They were losing the victim fast.

Jackson rushed to bed three, not hearing the rest of what the man said.

"April's husband," Nathan concluded.

* * *

By the time April reached the ER, the chaos had died down. She looked around the hall for her friend and saw him standing by the entrance. And for the first time since she came back, her heart felt a bit better. She walked quickly toward him. He hadn't seen her yet.

But Jackson had. His GSW victim didn't make it and he had just called time of death when he saw April walk across the room.

He used to love watching April in the ER, where she was in her element. If he had a few minutes to spare, he would just stand in a corner somewhere and watch his wife save people. In a place where trauma and disorder was all there was, she stood firm and was so unbelievably confident. He could see how much she wanted to help all these people. It wasn't just injuries and medical conditions she was seeing; she saw the people behind them and she treated them with kindness. That was what made her an excellent trauma surgeon, he thought. And a wonderful human being.

Before he could stop himself, his eyes followed her. It had been a long time since he last watched his wife do her magic. He missed it.

* * *

When April was only a few steps away, the man who was waiting for her finally saw her. He rushed toward her with open arms.

"April Kepner!" he shouted jubilantly.

"Nathan!" she squealed as she hugged her friend. "You didn't tell me you were coming to visit. How are you?"

"I wanted to surprise you. I flew in this morning for my mother-in-law's birthday," Nathan said. "I hope you don't mind me dropping by unannounced."

"Are you kidding? Of course not. I'm glad you're here. It's been, what, two months? How's your wife and baby?"

Nathan's smile dropped a bit before he caught himself, and she noticed it. Before she could ask him what that was about, he changed the subject.

"Hey, what time does your shift end? I can come back later and we can grab dinner or go to a bar or something," he said.

She knew him well enough already to know that he wanted to wait until later before he would be willing to tell her whatever it was that seemed to bother him. "Okay, sure. My shift ends at 8, meet you back here?"

"Works for me," he answered. "Oh hey, I saw your husband earlier. Well, we kind of bumped into each other actually."

"You saw Jackson?" she asked, alarmed. "Did you say anything to him?"

"No, he had to work on a gunshot victim so I didn't get the chance to introduce myself."

April got nervous. Nathan didn't know about her and Jackson's current predicament, and she didn't know how to tell him without breaking down. She wished they were in the chapel again, where it was just the both of them and she could tell him anything without anyone but God overhearing. But she was about to tell him anyway, when Nathan, who saw Jackson watching them, waved him over.

"Who are you –" started April, turning around to see who Nathan was calling. When she saw who it was and that he was already walking toward them, she panicked and did the first thing she could think of.

"I, uh, I have a consult at, uh, over there," stuttered April just as Jackson arrived. She hurried off to the farthest bed in the hall where a patient with a bloody nose was waiting and closed the curtain.

Brushing it off as typical April Kepner, Nathan turned his attention to Jackson, who was still looking at the closed curtain in bed eight.

"Hey, you're Jackson right?" Nathan asked him, shaking Jackson's hand. "I'm not sure if April's told you about me, I'm Nathan."

"Uh, no, she hasn't mentioned you," Jackson said, confused. "We haven't really had time to talk about her tour in Jordan."

"Oh," replied Nathan, bewildered. "I would've thought she would."

"Really," said Jackson, surprise evident in his voice. "Well, your name never came up."

"Huh, okay," Nathan said nonchalantly. He didn't notice how Jackson was obviously skeptical about him. "Listen, we're having dinner later tonight after her shift. You should come join us."

"Oh, well uh, I have a, uh, thing tonight," Jackson stammered. He desperately tried to think of what that thing was exactly but he couldn't think of any. Just then, his pager went off, saving him the trouble. "Listen, I got to go. It was nice meeting you."

* * *

When she saw Jackson leave the ER, April rushed back to Nathan.

"What did you tell him?" she demanded. She couldn't hide the apprehension she was feeling.

"Chill out, April," Nathan said. He mistook her worry for thinking that Jackson had left the ER because of something Nathan said to him. "I was actually nice to him. I invited him to join us for dinner later."

"What?!" shrieked April. "Why did you do that? What did he say?"

"He said he couldn't make it because of a thing," answered Nathan, more confused than ever by her outburst. "What are you freaking out about?"

She was beginning to lose her nerves. Jackson might've thought this was another ploy of hers to get him to talk to her again. After the false 911 call she did to him a week ago, the last thing she wanted Jackson to think was that she was using Nathan to lure him into a conversation with her. She shouldn't have left them alone. She should've just told Nathan what happened instead of running away and pretending a bloody nose was freakin' trauma.

"April. What is going on?" Now Nathan was the one demanding answers.

She looked at Nathan in the eyes and saw the many truths she had shared with him so far.

"We're not living together, we haven't been for days and he's talking about divorce. Please don't make it any more awkward than it already is," she whispered pleadingly.

Nathan, hearing all of this for the first time, was shocked. He knew that they were having marital issues, but before he left Jordan, she told him she was hopeful that they'd sort it out once she returned home. And he had seen her hope and perseverance save the lives of soldiers countless times that he figured she would be right about this one too. And when he saw Jackson in the ER, he figured the fact that they were still working in the same hospital meant April was right. Now he found out that wasn't the case and that he found out a little too late.

Feeling for her, Nathan moved to put his arms around her. Seeing what he was about to do, she snapped back to attention.

"No comfort hugs," she ordered, immediately regretting the tone she used. Softening her voice, she added, "It's just that people might get the wrong impression. They already think I abandoned my husband. The last thing I need is for them to think I abandoned my husband then found a good-looking guy to replace him."

"Aww April," Nathan gently teased. "You think I'm good-looking?"

She shot him a sarcastic look. "I think your head's up your ass."

Nathan laughed. "My good-looking ass."

She gave him a faint smile. He was trying to make her feel better, she knew, but it was a doomed effort, which he began to realize. He put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

"You're a soldier, alright?" he said. "You'll get through this."

There was that word again, she thought. Suddenly tired, she wanted to be alone for a while.

"I need to get back to work," she told him. "I'll see you later."


	6. Chapter 6

Jackson didn't know what to feel about what just happened back in the ER. The only thing he knew was that this guy, Nathan, was close with his wife. He saw how Nathan rushed over to April and how she brightened up in his presence. He was about to get annoyed by the fact that April never mentioned him, but then he realized that he never really gave her the chance to talk about Nathan or anything about Jordan.

"Maybe I should have,"he thought.

But that was quickly replaced with the news that she was going to meet Nathan for dinner later that night. And that Nathan, not April, invited him to join them. Of course he said no. Seeing how they talked, how they felt so at ease with each other, Jackson was painfully reminded of how much he and April had drifted apart. He didn't want to be reminded of it again later that night.

Part of him wanted to be there though. The way Nathan reacted when he said April never mentioned his name implied that she should have and he wanted to know why. He couldn't figure out what April's relationship was with Nathan. His gut told him it wasn't romantic.

But what his gut told him was, in its own way, worse. It reminded him of his and April's friendship before the night of the boards revealed their deeper feelings that simmered underneath. They were best friends, April and him. Even before the romance started, Jackson never felt more comfortable with anyone else than with April. And he relished the fact that April saw him the same way.

They knew everything about each other. He knew she had a touch of quirkiness and eccentricity, and he accepted them. More importantly, he came to enjoy them. He grew up in a world where it was all about propriety and appearance. His last name demanded that he behave a certain way – the Avery way, which he found to be exhausting and, frankly, unappealing. April was a breath of fresh air to him. She was candid and a bit peculiar, but she was always, always sincere. She knew all his dirty laundry – she literally washed them even – and yet she still saw him for him.

And throughout their friendship, he was April's rock. Whenever she was on the verge of losing her mind, he was there to make her realize that the things she was losing her mind over were trivial. When everybody else simply rolled their eyes and ignored her when she fretted over the littlest of things, he called her out on it and practically demanded that she get her shit together. Without him, her insecurities would've swallowed her whole. She became the swan that she was because Jackson never tolerated her acting like a duck.

She lifted him up, made him want to be better and dream bigger. And he anchored her, made her feel safe and secure.

" _We're still standing,"_ he said to her the night before the boards, smiling. " _Me and you."_

" _Me and you,"_ she affirmed, as she smiled back.

Since the shooting at the hospital, it had always been him and her. The death of Charles and Reed triggered their close friendship, sure, but it happened so naturally and so effortlessly that they were bound to end up the way they did regardless. But now, April had Nathan. And if he were being honest with himself, he'd realize he wasn't at all happy about it.

* * *

"So who's Nathan?" asked Arizona, as they were sitting in the attending's lounge.

"He's a friend," April replied.

When she saw the way Arizona was looking at her, she added, " _Just_ a friend. He's married and he has a kid, Arizona."

Arizona's face softened. "How about you?"

"What?" she asked, confused.

"He's married and he has a kid," Arizona repeated her words carefully. "How about you?"

Understanding what Arizona meant, April paused to gather herself. It was the first time anyone asked her about her marriage point blank. Everyone in the hospital knew she and Jackson were having troubles, but no one knew exactly to what extent. No one knew she moved out, and she hoped to God that no one knew that he mentioned the word divorce.

"I'm married," she said, trying to sound confident. "I am married," she repeated more for her own sake than Arizona's.

She looked at her friend. Arizona had been there the night she told Jackson she wanted to go back to Jordan.

" _I know,"_ Arizona had told her. _"I know, I do."_

Arizona had been through the same exact thing with Callie. She left Callie once to go halfway across the world, and she came back to find Callie less than willing to take her back. More importantly, they had a fight and they went on what was supposed to be a temporary break, but they never got back together. Was that where she and Jackson were headed?

April covered her face with her hands and let out a big sigh.

"But I might not be for long," she whispered as she choked back the tears that escaped her.

Arizona put a hand on her back as she sobbed. Having gone through what her friend was now going through, Arizona knew there was nothing she could say or do.

* * *

Throughout the afternoon, Jackson couldn't keep his mind off his marriage. When he told April he wanted the whole damn thing, he meant it. He loved her. He still did. But with everything that had happened, his marriage didn't feel right anymore.

"Hey," Ben called out to him in the hall. "I'm just waiting for the lab results of our cleft lip patient. Do you want me to go check if they have it already?"

Ignoring Ben's question, he turned to him and asked, "Have you and Bailey ever got into a big fight and you felt like ' _This is it. This is what's going to break us'_?"

Ben gave him a look. Jackson had told him about April's stubborn quest to singlehandedly fix their marriage and how she drove him crazy every night at home. He had told him that he asked April to look for another place to stay but that she adamantly refused. At first, Ben chose to keep his mouth shut and just listen to his friend rant. He didn't want to meddle. And when Jackson stopped talking about it in the last couple of days, he thought things were getting better. But hearing Jackson's question now made him realize that things had actually gotten worse.

So instead of answering Jackson's question – he didn't know how to answer it anyway – Ben offered what he thought his friend had hinted at days ago.

"Hey, if you need a place to stay, you can crash at our place," Ben said. "Maybe you two do need some space to work things out."

Jackson hesitated. He hadn't told Ben that April already did move out. Like April, he hadn't told anyone. Unlike April, he didn't know why.

"Uh, no. No, it's fine," he replied.

"I thought you couldn't take any more of April's speeches?" Ben asked.

"She's stopped giving them, actually," he answered. "Thanks for the offer though."

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now, but for what it's worth, I think you're handling it better than I would," Ben said.

Jackson let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Oh, you have no idea."

"Seriously, man. April wasn't here, but I was. I saw how messed up you were," Ben persisted. "If it were Miranda, I would be pissed too. I love the woman, but I swear I probably would've thrown out her things before she even got back."

Seeing how his words didn't help, Ben turned serious. "Hey listen, you'll work it out. I know it's driving you insane but the fact that April hasn't looked for her own place yet even though you asked her to so many times means she isn't about to give up on your marriage."

After some thought, Ben added, "And hey, the fact that you haven't kicked her out yet even though you've told me so many times you wanted to means you haven't given up either. See? There's still hope."

Jackson thought about what he had just heard, and he felt a pit in his stomach. April moved out. Did that mean she gave up? And though he technically didn't kick her out - not in the literal sense - he did mention divorce. Wasn't that kind of like kicking her out?

He didn't know what to say to Ben.

He did know what to feel though – hopeless.


	7. Chapter 7

April was walking down the hall when she spotted Jackson coming out of the supply closet. It was her third time seeing him that day, but unlike the first two, she was determined to explain herself. After what happened in the ER, she wanted to make sure he didn't misunderstand anything. But before even thinking of a game plan, she called out to him.

"Jackson!"

He turned around and saw her walking toward him fast.

"Yeah?" he asked when April caught up to him.

"He's a friend I made back in Jordan," she blurted. She didn't plan on starting out that way but it was the first thing that came out and she decided to just go with it.

Jackson didn't say anything. He merely looked at her.

"Nathan," she clarified. Unsure if he knew what she was talking about. "He's just a friend."

Still, nothing from Jackson.

She started to feel self-conscious, shifting her weight back and forth from one foot to the other. Why wasn't he saying anything? April had no clue what was going on inside his head, but he hadn't walked out on her yet so she took it as a good sign. She knew, though, that he could shut her out any second so she had to do something fast. Not able to think of anything else to say, she decided to stick with the topic at hand.

"It's quite funny, actually," she began. "The way we met, we were – "

"You don't need to tell me," he said casually.

"Oh," she hesitated. "Okay. It's just that I thought you might be wondering who he is and, you know, why he came to see me, and why he also wanted to meet you. I talked about you a lot over there, maybe too much, so he practically knew who you are before even seeing you."

She chuckled. She searched his face for a smile. He would be happy, she thought, that she told him she talked about him over there. It meant that she thought of him the whole time, that she missed him.

But she didn't get a smile. Jackson was just looking at her with a look she couldn't read. Beginning to panic, she began to do what she always did in a situation like that – she started to babble.

"One time I mentioned that you're a plastic surgeon, which was a stupid mistake, because after that he kept teasing me that I look the way I look because you did every possible surgery on me. And for days and days after that, he and the rest of the guys called me Plastic Kepner. It was the worst. One day, I got so pissed, I –"

"Are you really going to do this right now?" Jackson asked, cutting her off. He tried to keep is face impassive, but his voice betrayed him.

He didn't want to snap at her. When she called out to him, he honestly wanted to have a conversation with her. After his talk with Ben, he felt the urge to talk with his wife. He didn't know how he felt about their marriage, but he suddenly wanted to know what made her finally move out. Had she lost hope? Did he want her to lose hope?

"No," he thought. "No, I don't want her to lose hope."

So when he watched April walk toward him, he knew what he wanted to do. For the first time since she came back, he wanted to talk to her about them.

But then she had to bring up Nathan and she had to bring up Jordan. It irritated him. He wanted to talk about them. _Me and you,_ they once said to each other _._ The last thing he wanted to hear was about what tore them apart.

"For once," he thought to himself. "Why couldn't she just say the things I need her to say?"

She could. She would've actually. But she didn't know what Jackson needed to hear. The truth was she hadn't known for a long while.

* * *

" _You don't know what I've been through this last year,"_ he told her. _"This last year, what it was like."_

" _I… I know,"_ she asserted. _"I… it was, it was hard, I know."_

" _What do you mean you know? You don't know. You never asked. Not once, in fact. How was I doing? How was I coping? You didn't even ask."_

* * *

April realized he was mad. She quickly tried to salvage the conversation she knew was about to end.

"I… I just thought I should explain to you who –" she began.

"Who that guy is? The guy you met right after you chose to leave me for the second time? Seriously, April? Do you honestly think that's the first thing I'd want us to talk about?"

"Jackson," she pleaded. "I –"

"What makes you think I'd want to know, April? I don't care who he is," Jackson said firmly, even though he knew that truthfully, he did. "Whether he's just a friend or someone else to you entirely, I really don't care to know."

With that, he walked away, leaving her standing in the middle of the hall.

Every step he took felt like a foot stomping on the shattered pieces of her heart on the floor. She watched Jackson walk further and further away until he turned a corner and disappeared. At that moment, she realized where her marriage was headed.

 _Divorce._ Before that, it was just a possibility - a very terrifying and painful one - but only just a possibility. When she saw the love of her life walk away from her without ever looking back, that possibility was slowly turning into a reality.

She turned around, walked to the supply closet and sat on one of the boxes behind the shelves. She didn't cry - crying was for when she was hurting. No, she just sat there and stared blankly at the wall opposite her.

She was a trauma surgeon. She saw death every single day. And she saw that the people who knew they were dying never cried. They knew it was pointless. They just breathed until they stopped breathing.

So she breathed. In and out, in and out.


	8. Chapter 8

April's shift had just ended and she was talking with Arizona in the attending's lounge when Alex stuck his head in.

"Kepner, solider boy is here again," he said. "This time, he brought company." And then he disappeared just as fast as he appeared.

Because of what had happened earlier with Jackson, she decided she would ask Nathan if they could postpone dinner to another day. Throughout that afternoon, she kept on coming back to something she once told Jackson.

 _"When something feels really good, it can't be bad, right?"_

That's why she gave him her virginity. That's why she kept running back to him even if she felt like a dirty Christian afterward. That's why she practically gave him the power to end her engagement to Matthew. That's why she ran away with him and left Matthew at the altar on their wedding day. That's why she married him that same night. That's what kept her going after Samuel's death. All this time, after everything that happened, that's what kept her going.

"But can something that hurts so bad still be good?" she thought.

She decided to look for an answer that night. She needed to be alone. She told herself she was going to spend the entire night going through every single thing she and Jackson experienced together. Somewhere between the time they met and the time they started to fall apart, she would know.

So that night, she was going to look for hope in her empty hotel room because God knows she needed one desperately. And if she couldn't find hope, then she would find closure - closure she didn't want, but knew she needed. Who knew a hotel room could have either the one thing that would keep them together or the final thing that could tear them apart?

She did know one thing though. It was going to be her last night there.

* * *

Earlier, Arizona saw her come out of the supply closet and one look was all it took for Arizona to know something was wrong. She had seen April look glum and miserable before, but the April she saw then looked completely defeated, lifeless.

"Hey, what happened?" Arizona asked.

April turned to her friend and looked at her with almost lifeless eyes. "I... I need a place to stay. "

"Oh April," Arizona said softly.

* * *

When April heard that Nathan brought company, she changed her mind about postponing dinner.

"More army guys?" asked Arizona.

"No, I think it's his family," April answered, a hint of excitement in her voice.

She hadn't met them in person yet. When they were in Jordan, Nathan talked a lot about his wife, Megan, just as much as she talked about Jackson. Nathan introduced April to his wife when he video chatted with her once, and then after that, April would sometimes butt in their conversations whenever she could. She and Megan got along together splendidly. When Megan was a few weeks away from giving birth to their first child, April was the one who convinced Nathan to go back home so that he could be with his wife.

"Oh, Jackson's going to love that," said Arizona. April had just finished telling her about what happened in the hall and Arizona thought that jealousy was the reason Jackson snapped.

"Maybe he's going to have a change of heart when he sees the family," Arizona thought.

"I'll go ahead," April said, as she began to gather her things to leave. "I don't want to keep them waiting long."

* * *

By the end of his shift, Jackson couldn't wait to get home. He needed to sleep. He'd seen April three times that day. Before then, he hadn't seen April in three days and now he was wishing he hadn't seen her at all. When he didn't see her, he was concerned and distracted. But when he did, he was emotionally exhausted and agitated, and that, to him, was worse. He needed to just stop thinking about her, about them. He told himself this was why he asked her to move out.

He thought, "Maybe this is really it. Maybe this is what will break us."

Right after that thought came to him though, he looked up and saw the back of April's head, her red locks standing out like it always did. He inhaled deeply as he looked around, searching for a way to get around her without being seen. Then he saw them.

Nathan was there. Arizona was there too. And Bailey and Callie and Alex and Jo. And a few other interns. They were all huddling around April and had smiles plastered across their faces.

When she turned her head to the side, he saw she was smiling too.

It felt like forever since he last saw April smile like that, like everything was right with the world.

But everything wasn't right with the world. Just hours earlier, he had walked out on her. And while he didn't do it to intentionally hurt her, he thought she would at least feel, well, just as bad as he felt. Seeing her smile the way she used to smile at him, he felt a pang in his chest. How could she be this happy with everything that was going on between them?

But when the people huddling around April moved and shifted to create a space big enough for him to actually see his wife, he found out why and he froze.

His wife was carrying a baby.


	9. Chapter 9

_Ten minutes earlier…_

When April got to the lobby, she saw Nathan carrying the most adorable baby she'd ever seen.

"Who is this delightful munchkin?" she asked Nathan as soon as she reached them.

"April," Nathan said. "Meet my son."

Nathan handed his son to April whose arms were already itching to hold him.

"You are so precious," she cooed. "What's your name, little guy?"

Nathan beamed. He had waited for this moment since his son was born. When he made plans to visit Seattle for his mother-in-law's birthday, he knew this was his chance. He could have just called to tell her, but he brushed that idea off. He wanted to do it in person. He wanted to see her face when he told her.

"His name's Sam," he said, his voice was full of emotion.

April turned to Nathan, her eyes looking at him intently. "Sam?"

"Short for Samuel," he said.

"What… what…" she began to say, but she ran out of words. She looked at the baby in her arms, looked at his beautiful face, and her heart – her broken and tired heart – lit up.

"Hi, Sam," she said softly, as tears began to pool in the corner of her eyes.

She had cried a lot in the past year, more than she had ever had in her entire life. But it was the first time she had cried because of joy. For the first time in a very long time, she didn't cry because she felt like dying. She cried because she felt alive.

She looked at Nathan again with all the gratitude she could ever possibly feel in a lifetime.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Nathan smiled. Yes, this moment was worth the wait, he thought.

* * *

By the time Jackson arrived, Arizona and the other attendings had gathered around wanting to meet Nathan's baby boy.

April hadn't let go of Sam, and with the way she carried him and tended to him, no one thought to ask if they could hold him either. None of them said anything, but they were all thinking the same thing. They were all thinking of Samuel – Jackson and April's Samuel.

But they weren't the only ones.

While everyone was busy fussing over the baby, no one noticed Jackson standing a few feet away, watching. His mind went to the night his son was born, the night his son died. He remembered how tiny and fragile he was, and he remembered how overwhelming the love he felt for him was. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to imagine what his son's life would've been like – saying "daddy" for the first time, taking his first steps, having countless birthday parties, accompanying him to work and, most of all, always being cared for and loved and cherished by him and April. He knew, he knew in his gut and in his soul, that they were going to be great parents.

Seeing April hold that little baby, he realized he was looking at what he had lost – his baby and now possibly his wife. It felt like a knife had been plunged through his heart. The grief of losing his child washed over him like waves smashing against the rocks over and over again. His feet were planted to the ground, but he felt like he was drowning in the middle of a stormy ocean.

He couldn't take it anymore. He needed to get out while he could still hold himself together. Forcing his legs to move, he began to walk around the group, keeping his eyes ahead. If he didn't look at them, he thought, he would make it out.

But Nathan, who was already keeping an eye out for Jackson, saw him walk past them. Seeing that everyone's attention was still focused on his baby, he hurried to catch up with Jackson. He didn't need to see his face to know what he was feeling.

"Hey Jackson," Nathan said as soon as he caught up with him.

Jackson turned around.

"Oh, hey. Beautiful baby you have there," Jackson said, pointing to Sam who was still in April's arms.

"Yeah, he's something alright," Nathan agreed, smiling. "His name's Samuel."

Jackson wasn't sure if he heard him correctly or if it was just his mind playing tricks on him. It couldn't be Samuel. Samuel died a little over a year ago. He died in his and April's arms. He thought of him every single day since. That baby couldn't be Samuel.

Seeing his reaction, Nathan continued, "We call him Sam. I named him after your son."

At a loss for words, Jackson could only nod his head to let Nathan know he had heard him.

"One time, April and I were talking to my wife about baby names. She tried to convince us to name him Norbert. She said you'd love it, but sorry, man, we just couldn't do it to the little guy," Nathan said, letting out a small laugh. "So we went with Samuel instead. I hope you don't mind."

"No, it's..." Jackson stopped. "She...Why would you…"

"Look man, I know you and April aren't okay right now, and I know it's because she left you. I understand that. She understands that too, believe me," Nathan began, turning serious. "But I'd be lying if I said I'm not glad she went."

Jackson's eyes widened in slow anger. He was slowly balling up his fists when Nathan spoke up again.

"Your wife saved my life, Jackson. I was going to die. I was supposed to die, but she saved me." Nathan said. He looked behind him, to April and his son, and said, "If she hadn't left, my son would be an orphan right now."

Nathan turned to Jackson again and found him also looking at the pair.

"Orphan?" asked Jackson.

"His mom died shortly after giving birth to him," Nathan said, looking at his shoes. "I wasn't supposed to be there when it happened. I was supposed to be in Jordan, but April convinced me to ask for an early leave so that I could be there."

Nathan paused. He was waiting for Jackson to say something. When he didn't, Nathan spoke up again.

"April didn't just save my life, Jackson. She gave me six more days with my wife." Nathan went on, "I'm not asking you to forgive her. She hurt you when she left so I know that's something she has to earn from you. I just wanted you to know that she didn't go to Jordan to leave you. She went to Jordan to save guys like me. And kids like Sam."

Jackson was looking at his wife again and the baby she was carrying. He couldn't take his eyes off them. Nathan took notice.

"Do you want to meet him?" Nathan asked.

"Huh?" Jackson, whose trance was suddenly broken, was caught off guard by Nathan's invitation.

"Sam," Nathan replied. "Do you want to meet him?"

"Oh, no, it's okay," lied Jackson. He wanted to. He wanted to so badly, but with everything he had just heard, he didn't know how to act around April anymore.

And while Nathan was civil toward him and treated him nicely, he was still first and foremost April's friend. And after discovering that she saved Nathan's life and that he named his son after their child, he knew their friendship ran deep and strong. He wasn't sure if he wanted to wade into those waters just yet.

"I have somewhere I need to be," he insisted, when he saw Nathan was clearly doubting him. He looked at April and Sam once more before adding, "Maybe next time?"

He didn't want to come up to them right then and there, but he wanted to keep that door open. He really wanted to meet the boy. And for a split second, he was able to admit to himself that he wanted April to be there when he did.

Nathan smiled. Next time was better than never. "Yeah sure, next time," he said, patting Jackson in the arm before turning around and walking back to the group.

Shooting one last look at them, Jackson sighed and continued on his way to the elevator. His heart ached now more than ever. And as the elevator doors closed, he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath to keep himself from screaming in frustration.

Home – that's where he was headed. So why did he feel like he was walking away from it instead of toward it?

* * *

April saw Nathan and Jackson talking. For a moment, she felt terrified. After telling Nathan the truth about her and Jackson, and after her disastrous conversation with the latter in the hall, she had absolutely no idea what the two men could possibly say to each other.

But with Sam in her arms, giggling and laughing, she allowed herself to set her fear and worries aside for once. She was already falling in love with him.

"You are such a cutie, aren't you?" Arizona said, tickling Sam in the belly.

"Look at those cheeks!" squealed Jo. "I could just pinch them!"

"Please don't," Callie said to her.

"He is so adorable," said Bailey. "Look at those eyes."

"I know, right?" gushed April. "I could stare at them forever."

After Nathan got back to them, they all eventually left to either get back to work or go home.

"See you later, Baby Sam," Arizona said, before leaving the three of them. "Have a good night you guys."

"Good night," April said, before turning to Nathan. "I'm already coming up with a plot to steal this little guy from you, Nathan. You're never getting him back."

Nathan laughed. "I knew you'd take a liking to him. He's exactly like me."

April rolled her eyes. She wanted to respond with a witty comeback, but there was something else she wanted to say more and she couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I saw you and Jackson talking," she said, as she looked at the baby. She didn't want Nathan to see the mixture of fear and expectation in her eyes.

Unsurprised that she asked but also surprised it took her that long, Nathan shrugged. "Yeah, I told him you saved my life."

"I don't think that's something he wants to know right now, Nathan."

"I don't think so either," he replied truthfully. "But I thought he needed to know that something good came out of you leaving."

April thought about it. She wanted to ask more questions. What did Jackson say? Was he still made at her? Did he mention anything about their marriage? Was he really going to push through with the divorce?

She looked at Sam. He was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen in a while. And he made her feel happiness she hadn't felt since her Samuel died. She didn't want to ruin it.

"Oh hey, where's Megan?" she suddenly remembered. "She with her folks already?"

Nathan's demeanor suddenly changed. His shoulders sagged a little. His eyes shifted to the floor. Gradually, she figured out what he was about to say before he actually said it, and she immediately regretted putting him on the spot in such a public place.

"There were complications during Sam's birth. Megan didn't make it," Nathan said. "It's just me and Sam right now."

"Oh, Nathan," she said softly. "I'm so, so sorry."

"You know, I haven't really been honest with you," he told her. "When we met, when you told me why you left Seattle for Jordan, I didn't really understand it. I couldn't understand why you felt it was better to leave Jackson than to stay and, just, be with him, I guess."

He stopped. He waited for her to shout at him or tell him off but there was nothing. If she was angry or hurt, her face didn't show it. So he continued.

"I understand now," he said. "After Megan died, I actually considered leaving – my home, my friends…even Sam. I thought of leaving him with my parents, go back to fighting in the Middle East, you know? I'm ashamed to admit it and I regret ever thinking it, but I did. So I get it - why you did what you did. I want you to know I get it."

They looked at each other. After everything they'd been through, they found comfort in knowing they understood one another even though no one else did.

April put her free hand on Nathan's arm. "I get it too," she said.

Letting out a big exhale, Nathan smiled at April.

"I'm starved. When are you going to let me eat, woman?"

April laughed. "Alright, alright. Let's go."


	10. Chapter 10

Jackson drove up to Meredith's house for the dinner party not really looking forward to the rest of the evening. After parking his car, he stayed put a little longer. He didn't want to go inside just yet. He needed some time with his own thoughts. He saw light coming from the living room window and he could make out April's silhouette. He sighed.

It had been five days since the confrontation he had with her, five days since the last time they talked. They saw each other a few times around the hospital – in the ER, the hallways and the attendings' lounge. But apart from patient reports and work talk, they hadn't said anything else.

He didn't know how to process the things Nathan told him. April left him to go to Jordan and she saved lives there. Hell, she saved a baby from becoming an orphan. Everything she did over there was incredible. Of course he was proud of her.

But she was able to achieve all that at his expense. While she was out there keeping soldiers from dying, she was letting her marriage dissolve into little pieces. While she was operating on hearts, she was chipping away at his. She couldn't just expect him to casually forget about that part. How was he supposed to feel about all that? How was he ever going to reconcile those two truths without going completely insane?

Realizing he wasn't going to find the answers in his car, he gave up and finally forced himself to make his way to the house.

"It's going to be a long night, might as well get it over with," he thought to himself as he rang the doorbell. Meredith opened the door.

"Hey!" Meredith greeted.

"Am I late?" he asked her.

"No, not at all. You can set your coat over there. Can I get you a drink?"

"It's fine, I'll help myself," he said, walking toward the kitchen.

As he was about to pass the bathroom, the door suddenly opened and out walked Nathan. Jackson knew he was going to see April that night, but he didn't expect to see Nathan. This was Meredith's dinner party for their group of friends. Had Nathan got accepted in their little Grey-Sloan gang while he was too busy trying to act all professional with April during the past five days to notice it?

"Hey," said Jackson, who wasn't able to hide his surprise.

Nathan, who seemed to know what Jackson was thinking, replied, "Hey, man. My mother-in-law has Sam tonight, so Meredith invited me to come. She thought I needed a break from all the diaper changing, which I guess might be true."

"Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Well, I'm headed to the kitchen. Be seeing you around," he said.

He continued to walk to the kitchen, dead set on getting himself a glass of whiskey. It was going to be a much longer night than he expected. When he reached the kitchen, April had just entered from the dining room.

And when they made eye contact, neither knew who should be the first one to say something.

* * *

April knew that Jackson was coming, but that's all she knew at that point. She was okay in the hospital; there were protocols and patient charts to save her from saying anything that would make him mad at her again. Outside the hospital though, she was totally clueless. She wasn't supposed to go to the party. The last thing she wanted was to be in a room with a husband she's slowly losing. But Arizona convinced her to.

"If you're not going for your sake, then go for Nathan's," Arizona had told her. "It's his free night. Who knows how long it's been since the man had something to drink?"

So she went. While she tried to convince herself that she wasn't waiting for Jackson to arrive, she came up with a plan. Since he walked out on her, she had decided not to talk to him unless he talked to her first. It was her safest option. She just got too scared that she'd say something to piss him off again. She didn't even know if he was still angry at her or not.

The more she thought about that day, the more she saw everything she did as a mistake. Maybe she should've knocked on the on call room door and tried to continue their conversation. Maybe that's what Jackson wanted. Or maybe she shouldn't have left Nathan and Jackson to talk on their own. If she were there, she would've been able to explain herself better or at least keep Nathan from saying something that upset Jackson. Did Nathan even say something that upset Jackson? Or was Jackson upset because she ran off to treat that stupid bloody nose? And when they had their little talk outside the supply closet, maybe she should've started with something else instead of, "He's just a friend, he's just a friend, he's just a friend." Maybe he really did think they were just friends and her saying that made him suspicious.

Arizona told her she was thinking too much into things but that didn't stop her. That's what she was excellent in – overthinking. She drove herself crazy with all the what ifs and the shoulda woulda coulda until Arizona, who was at the receiving end of all her thoughts, had enough.

"Okay, this –" Arizona said, waving her fingers at April's panicky state, "isn't helping. If you're so scared of messing up again, then just don't talk to him until he talks to you. Let him make the first move."

So for the next few days, April did just that. She only talked to him to tell him which ER bed he was needed for a consult or to give him updates on the patient he was checking on. She even called him Dr. Avery because, well, that was kind of how they were treating each other – colleagues.

* * *

Now, standing in front of Jackson, outside the hospital walls and without their scrubs or white coats on, her resolve began to waver.

"I don't even know what Maggie was going to do with this," Amelia said, referring to all the ingredients on the kitchen counter. She was frantic. Maggie left all of a sudden to go to the hospital and neither she nor Meredith knew how to cook. "Should we order pizza? Let's just order pizza!"

"I can cook," April volunteered, turning her back to Jackson. If she had stayed there any longer, she knew she would crack. She needed a distraction.

* * *

Jackson needed a distraction. April was in the kitchen cooking with Arizona, Jo, Amelia, Meredith and Alex - the latter two having their own little talk. And Nathan was in the living room having a conversation with Bailey. He turned around and saw Stephanie sitting by the fireplace.

"You look like you rather be anywhere else but here," Stephanie grinned at him.

"Stephanie is better than nobody," he thought.

So he sat across from her and started making small talk. With his back facing the kitchen, he didn't see April eyeing them warily.

* * *

After some time, Nathan entered the kitchen and went to April.

"What's cookin, good-lookin'? Oh wait, that's me," teased Nathan.

"Ha ha, you ass," April glared at him.

"Smells good in here. Do you need me to help with anything?" he asked.

"No, Nathan, it's your night off," she said. "Go mingle and socialize."

"Yes," Arizona piped up. "Go talk to Penny. She's a delight! She's smart, she's funny, we have a crazy amount in common... Oh God, maybe I should date Penny."

"No," said Alex.

"Ill-advised," Amelia agreed.

April shot a look at Arizona and turned to Nathan. "Go talk to Penny before Arizona asks her out."

Nathan raised his eyebrow, "Will she actually do that?"

"She's drunk. She can do anything," April answered, as she took a sip of her liquor.

"Well, that's like, what, your third glass? You're not too far behind either," Nathan said.

"Jackson is here so I get to drink," April hissed. "Sam isn't here so you get to socialize."

"With Pretty Penny!" Arizona said happily.

* * *

Jackson and Stephanie continued their conversation in the living room as they helped set up the table. While they did that, Jackson couldn't help but hear the conversation Nathan was having with Penny and Bailey at the far end of the room.

"She actually knocked the guy out?" Bailey asked, totally surprised.

"Yeah, he was the new guy so he didn't know how much she really hated being called Plastic Kepner," said Nathan. "He didn't even have a chance to duck. The second he said it, April whirled around and just flat out punched the guy in the nose. It was glorious."

The three of them laughed. "I never knew Kepner had it in her," said Bailey.

"You and I both," Nathan replied.

"I did," Jackson thought.

Just then, Meredith called out, "Dinner's ready."

* * *

"Has anybody seen her? Penny?" asked Stephanie.

Apart from Meredith, Alex, Callie, Penny, Owen and Amelia, everybody was in the kitchen trying to process what had just happened. They were all in shock. And since the people who planned the dinner were either having a checkup in the hospital or having a meltdown upstairs, the guests took it upon themselves to clean up.

"I think she was waiting on a cab," answered Jackson, who found himself doing the dishes with April.

"Am I supposed to do anything? Because Callie is my ex. But on the other hand, you know, she's my ex," Arizona prattled. "So I'm guessing that means no?"

Nathan cleared his throat, "Well, I'm the new guy here and I don't have any connection to Meredith's husband, so maybe I should be the one to see how she's doing?"

Everyone looked at each other and said a unanimous, "Yes."

After Nathan left to go find Penny, April spoke up, "I feel bad for her. She was ambushed tonight. It wasn't right."

"She's a resident, you know," Stephanie said.

"She's like us," Jo added.

"Yeah, well, that could've been any of us," Jackson uttered.

"It was me," April said, staring blankly in front of her as she rinsed the plates, remembering what had happened years ago. Jackson looked at her, not liking where she was headed.

"My second year I made a stupid mistake. I missed an airway and I killed a child's mother."

Jackson couldn't help himself. "Okay, you didn't kill anybody. It was a mistake."

Ignoring what Jackson said, April continued, "I still pray for her. Every night I pray for her family."

"Well, that stuff is never one person's fault," Jackson tried to reassure her.

"Some things are just your fault," she said. She wasn't thinking anymore. She just let out whatever it was in her head, not realizing that she was doing it. "Some things you screw up and you can't take back no matter how hard you try. Some things you pay for the rest of your life."

Unbeknownst to her, Jackson was taking every word she said to heart. It was the first time he had heard her talk that way – like she was waving the white flag. He didn't know what to make of it.

When all the dishes were done, she turned to Jackson. "That's the last of it. I got to get her home," she said, pointing to Arizona who was now subdued but still very drunk.

"You're not driving either," Jackson said immediately.

"No, I know," she told him. "Nathan brought a car. He'll drive us home."

"Where is home exactly?" he asked timidly, unsure if he had the right to even ask. He had to know though. It bugged him every single day not knowing where she went home to.

"I moved in with Arizona a few days ago," she said. "So that's home right now."

"Oh, okay," Jackson said. After a short pause, he added, "Your dinner was excellent tonight. Thanks."

Just then, Nathan walked back in, taking April's attention away from Jackson.

"I couldn't find her, maybe she already found a cab," Nathan told her. "You ready to head out? Arizona looks like she's about to pass out. And I still need to pick up Sam."

"Yup," she replied. Turning to Arizona, "You ready to go?"

"Mm-hmm," Arizona said, as she slipped out of the stool she sat on and almost fell to the floor.

As the three of them walked to the front door, April didn't see Jackson watching her, trying but failing to convince himself that he didn't want to be the one to take her home instead.

* * *

"I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to shut it off," Callie told Jackson. They were outside the house, talking.

"Shut what off?"

"How I feel…about her. I don't even know if I want to."

"Well, even if you want to, I'm not so sure that you can." Jackson said.

"I'm not so sure _I_ can," he thought.


	11. Chapter 11

The days following Meredith's dinner party, Jackson and April were in a much better place than they were before. Their little moment of washing the dishes brought about a sense of civility between them. They'd exchange a few words when they saw each other in the halls. They were okay with eating at the same table with the rest of the group. They didn't leave the attendings' lounge when the other came in. It was still professional between them, but it wasn't cold anymore. There was a hint of familiarity there.

Jackson felt pretty good about where they were. No more arguments or conversations that brought up painful memories. Things were finally simple and easy between them. Granted, there were unresolved issues and there were still moments when it felt a bit awkward between them. But at least they didn't end up getting mad or hurt every time they said one word to each other.

This was what he was looking for since the moment April got back, he realized. He needed space without the tension. He was glad she was there, but he also needed her at arm's length. The idea of them going back to how they were before everything fell apart wasn't just difficult to imagine anymore, he also slowly began to find it a bit unsettling. He felt like he didn't know how to do that anymore.

"This is nice," he thought. "This is safe."

* * *

April felt anything but good about her and Jackson. She thought the dinner party was a turning point. He had finally talked to her and he was kind and nice about it. And then the following day when she saw him approach her, she thought they would finally have a real talk. But he acted like there was nothing serious to talk about. She waited and waited for him to bring it up. He never did.

They were in marriage limbo and it was killing her. The only thing that killed her more was how Jackson seemed totally fine with it. Yeah, they finally got along in the workplace and they performed a few surgeries together, but that was all there was. Their relationship was limited to the confines of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital.

He would ask about Nathan and Sam a couple of times. _They're doing great. Sam finally falls asleep before midnight. Nathan's mother-in-law was able to convince him to prolong his stay so that she could spend time with her grandchild. Nathan's mother-in-law is starting to drive him crazy._ He would also ask about what it was like living with Arizona and the intern, DeLuca. _It's like every day is a sleepover. I usually do the cooking, Arizona does the cleaning and DeLuca does a whole lot of nothing. We stay up watching soap operas. DeLuca joins us sometimes. He left his underpants in the laundry again today. He might be just as bad as you and Alex were._

But not once did he ever talk about them. Sometimes, while he was in the middle of saying something, she would imagine just asking him point blank, "So is this us divorcing or is this us trying to keep our marriage together?" She never did though, because he never brought up their marriage. Even though he never said it out loud, April knew he didn't want her to bring it up either. It was like an unspoken rule between them: If you talk about our marriage, I stop talking period.

It was torture – torture she promised she would endure if it meant no divorce. But every night when she met up or spoke with Nathan and he would ask her, "Any progress with Jackson?", her answer was always the same. "Not today." She didn't know how long she could keep doing this.

But Nathan knew it wouldn't be far long before she would completely break down. In the months they served together in Jordan, he'd gotten to know April more than any other person there. He always looked forward to their little talks in the chapel because talking to her and getting to know her proved to be as every bit entertaining as it was comforting.

He knew April wasn't the type to bury her feelings, especially when it involved people she cared about. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She was an open book. It just wasn't in her nature to set aside her emotions all for the sake of maintaining some façade.

"Why don't you just ask him straight up?" Nathan said to her one night at Joe's. Sam was with his mother-in-law again so he and April met up at Joe's for a drink. She just finished telling him she didn't know if she and Jackson were okay or not.

"I already tried that remember?" April told him, frustrated. "That's all I did when I got back, and every single time he shot me down."

"Maybe you just need to push harder?"

"I did, Nathan," she said loudly, as she slammed the shot of tequila on the table. "I pushed and I pushed, and you know what he did? He threw the word divorce at my face."

"I'm sorry, I –"

"No, no," April sighed, realizing that she just lost her cool. "I'm sorry. We're here to have a good time and I'm messing it up just like I've messed up everything else."

"Hey, you did what you felt you had to do," he tried reassuring her.

"It's my fault, Nathan," she said softly. "I know I did what I had to do, but it's still my fault."

"Oh, I'm not saying it isn't your fault," he said. "He said don't go, you went. It's your fault."

"Are you trying to make me feel better or worse?"

"I'm not trying to make you feel anything, April. I'm just saying –"

"What? What are you saying?" she asked, her annoyance showing.

"I mean, you say it's your fault, but you're kind of asking him to overlook that part."

April looked at him with a hint of understanding.

"I just… I wish he could give me a chance to explain."

"He will. I'm sure he wants to hear it, even if he doesn't know it yet. He will eventually."

"I don't think he will, though. He's perfectly fine with how we are now. I hate it. Every time we pass each other in the hall, he greets me with a smile. And I just…," she paused to compose herself. "That smile used to be everything to me, you know? It was the first thing I noticed about him when we met. I used to think he could make the freakin' world a better place with just his smile. I loved it."

Another pause.

"But now, every time he smiles at me, I just… I fall apart all over again."

Nathan put a hand on her arm. "You'll get through this," he said. "You're a –"

"Please don't tell me I'm a soldier," April said almost hysterically that it surprised Nathan. "I'm not. I'm not a soldier, okay? I'm not a soldier."

"Okay, okay," he said gently, trying to calm her down.

She looked at him then with eyes that showed how broken she'd become. "I'm a wife," she whispered. "That's all I want to be right now – a wife. _His_ wife."

* * *

"Looks like you and Kepner are getting along much better," Callie told Jackson that same night.

"Yeah, much better," Jackson smiled.

"So does that mean you've actually talked about, you know, your marriage?"

"Well, no," he admitted. "It's just we're finally in a good place and I don't want to ruin it right away by talking about that."

"So, what, you're totally fine with being, I don't know, whatever you two are? Like, married but not really?"

"Look, it's complicated," he insisted. "You should understand, you've been through this with Robbins. You took some time apart from each other too."

"Yes, and look at us now – we're getting along great…" she said. Jackson was starting to think Callie agreed with him when she continued, "…as friends."

Jackson furrowed his brows at her.

"Look, I'm not interested in giving you marriage advice. God knows both of mine didn't end well," she said. "All I'm saying is if where Arizona and I are now is where you want you and April to be, then by all means go ahead and do whatever it is you're doing. But if that's not enough for you, then you better start hustling."

Jackson thought about what Callie had just said. It's true, he realized, that what he and April were doing wasn't really a step toward fixing their marriage. He wondered if he was okay with that.

"I'm not sure I know where I want April and I to be though," he told Callie.

"Well then," she said, "You better make up your mind."

"It's not that easy, Torres."

"Do you want to be with her or not?"

"Of course I want to be with her!" Jackson hissed. "I've always wanted to be with her! Why do you think I waited a year for her that first time she left? You think that was easy for me? Of course I want to be with her. But I can't say the same for her… can you?"

Callie opened her mouth to say something but she didn't get the chance. Jackson was already walking away. Secretly, she was relieved because, honestly, she didn't know how to answer his question. Her first thought was yes, of course April wants to be with him. But then again, she did leave him. Twice.

Jackson locked himself in the on call room. He needed time alone. He knew it was rude to walk away from Callie like that but he just didn't want to hear what she had to say. Truth was whatever her answer was, it wouldn't matter. He knew. He'd always wanted to be with April, but he couldn't say the same thing for her. She wanted to be with him at that moment. But for how long this time?

He may have had a hard time expressing himself to others, but he never did with April. With her, it was easy. And after the night they first slept together, he opened himself up to her completely. He knew right then that he wanted her, that he loved her and that he couldn't imagine his life without her in it.

But while April was away on her first tour, he realized that maybe April could – imagine her life without him.

It wasn't the first time she left him, nor was it the second. She pushed him away when she failed her boards, sort of blamed him even. When they thought she was pregnant, he embraced the sudden change that could happen in their life, even proposing marriage. But after finding out it was just a scare, she rejoiced, happy to not have to get married to him. She told him she wanted him that night of the big storm, but she never broke off her engagement to Matthew. She ran away with him on her wedding day, but then she got out of the car moments later with half a mind to go back and take back what they just did. When they couldn't agree on how to raise their kids, she moved out.

Her going overseas wasn't the first time she took off. It wasn't the first time he got left behind. It wasn't his first time waiting for her to come back to him. It was, however, his first time realizing all that.

Of course he wanted to be with April. She was his person. She was his heart. But that made him all the more reluctant to try and fix things with her, because he knew that if he did and she hurt him again, he wouldn't be able to fix himself anymore. And that terrified him to his very core.


	12. Chapter 12

The next day, Nathan was in the hospital lobby, making his way to the elevators, when he came across Jackson.

Nathan had been hanging in the hospital every chance he got since he arrived two weeks ago. He got along well with the attendings, especially Arizona and Alex. The interns found his war stories very interesting. Not to mention Sam was a celebrity there. But in all his visits, he noticed that Jackson never really reached out to him the same way the others did. They would greet each other in the halls and they would exchange a word or two, but unless someone else was there to carry on the conversation, it often ended as quickly as it began. He knew that Jackson would never approach him when it came to April, and he knew it was because he was April's friend.

But after his talk with April last night, he was determined to do something about it.

"Jackson," he greeted him. "What are you up to?"

"Nathan, hey," Jackson said, visibly surprised by the cheerfulness in his voice. "I just finished making my rounds."

"You free right now?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so. Why?"

"Sam is in the attendings' lounge with April and Alex," he said. "I'm actually headed off to meet a friend for dinner so those two have babysitting duties tonight. You should drop by and see him. He hasn't really gotten a chance to meet you yet."

Jackson didn't know what to make of Nathan's invitation. It's true what he said though. Aside from the quick moments when they'd come across each other in the hall, Jackson had never really met Sam. And he still wanted to. Try as he might, that baby's charm worked on him just like it worked on everyone else in that hospital. The only reservation he had was that him being with April and the baby might stir up something he wanted to avoid. But since Alex was there, he figured that wouldn't be an issue. Alex was the last person in the hospital who would want to get in the middle of whatever he and April had.

"Yeah, sure," Jackson replied. "That'd be nice."

"Great," Nathan said. He was enthusiastic. "Well, I gotta go. Enjoy your night. See you around."

And with that, he walked on. Jackson didn't see it but Nathan had a huge smile across his face. He wasn't proud of lying but desperate times call for desperate measures. And this, he thought as he remembered April's words last night, was as desperate as it could get.

* * *

As Jackson neared the attendings' lounge, he saw the door was slightly open. He was about to push it open when he heard something coming from the inside which made him stop.

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray…"_

He peered inside the gap to get a better look. April was sitting on the couch as she cradled Sam. She was singing to him with that beautiful voice of hers, and from the way his eyes never left hers, he seemed to think it was beautiful too.

As Jackson silently watched and listened, a bittersweet memory came to his mind. It wasn't the first time he heard April sing that song. It felt like ages ago but he remembered it as if it just happened the day before.

* * *

One night, he came home from work and found April in the nursery. She was sitting on the rocking chair that he built. Not hearing Jackson come in, she was singing to their baby as she stroked her belly. Instead of letting her know he was there, he stood and watched.

Ever since she got pregnant, he began to see a side of April that he rarely got to see before. When she was at home and not thinking about her patients or anything else, she would go to the nursery and just let go of all her cares in the world, focusing only on the little life inside her. It was during these moments when Jackson would see her completely at peace and utterly happy. He would fall in love with her ten times over in those moments.

" _You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away,"_ she finished.

"You never sing to me like that," Jackson said, startling her.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" April scolded him with a laugh, as she got up from the chair to give her husband a kiss.

* * *

Jackson was thinking about that kiss when April finished singing.

"You like that, don't you?" April told Sam as she played with his small fingers. "You better, because I don't just sing for anyone."

Jackson cleared his throat, catching April's attention.

"That's true," he said, as he opened the door wider and stepped in.

"Jackson," she said, surprised.

"Sorry for sneaking up on you," he said. "Nathan told me Sam would be here."

"Yeah, we're just hanging out here for a little while before we head out. Nathan's having dinner with his commanding officer in the army so they might finish late. He said he'll just pick Sam up at Arizona's place later tonight."

"Oh, okay," he replied. It was only then that he realized Alex wasn't there. "Where's Alex?"

"He left a little while ago to prep for a surgery," she answered. "Why?"

Now Jackson was surprised. Nathan had told him that April and Alex – together – were babysitting Sam.

"What game are you playing here, Nathan?" he thought to himself.

April was still looking at him.

"Oh nothing. Well, I better go back to my patients," he told her.

Before he could turn around to leave, April stood up.

"Do you want to hold him?" she asked hesitantly. "I know you never have yet. Everyone else in this hospital practically has so, I don't know, you might want to know what you're missing out on."

Jackson wasn't sure if he should. He really wanted to though, so he slowly walked over to April and held out his arms. When April gave him the baby, his eyes immediately locked on to him.

He didn't see April looking at him. Seeing her husband hold Sam in his arms, April felt a very familiar pang in her chest. It wasn't instant and immediately palpable. It was subtle, the kind that would slowly make its way from her heart to the rest of her body, 'til it seeped into her bones and reached the very depths of her soul. She wanted to run. She wanted to escape before the pain got to that point.

At the same time though, it wasn't just pain she was feeling. She felt something else too. Buried beneath the pile of hurt and grief, hope glimmered. Seeing Jackson and Sam together, she didn't just see what she lost, she also saw what she could still have.

She sat on the couch and motioned for Jackson to do the same, which he did.

"He's beautiful isn't he?" she asked him.

"Yeah," Jackson agreed. He really did think he was beautiful. How perfect it was that he was named after his son. He could look at him forever. Holding Sam gave him a sense of relief and calmness that he hadn't had in a very long time.

After a while, Sam began to fuss so Jackson gave him back to April. That immediately calmed him down

"Looks like you're his favorite person," Jackson said.

April shrugged. "I spend a lot of time with him. Nathan's been helping out at his mother-in-law's shop so he brings him to the house whenever I'm free."

They sat there for a time, April humming a soft tune and Jackson just watching the baby as he drifted off to sleep. Slowly, April got up to put him in the car seat.

"You're great with him," Jackson told her as she sat back on the couch.

April smiled. "No, it looks that way but it's all him. He's such a well-behaved boy, doesn't cry a lot, doesn't puke. He sleeps like a rock. He's every parent's dream child basically. I like to think that's how…" she stopped herself. She realized what she was about to say and she felt that might not be something she and Jackson were ready to hear yet.

"That's how Samuel would've been," Jackson finished her sentence. He was thinking the same thing.

She looked at him as tears formed in her eyes. "Yeah."

Jackson reached out both his hands and cupped her face, wiping the tears that began to fall.

"I miss him too," he said softly.

As Jackson held her face, April raised her hands and held his. Sighing, she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she saw Jackson's eyes staring into hers.

For a moment, they forgot the pain they caused each other. He forgot that she left him behind and she forgot that he was pushing her away.

For a moment, all that mattered to them was the grief of losing their son – the grief only they would share, the grief they could see so vividly in each other's eyes. And for a moment, all they wanted was to submerge themselves in it together, to feel it together.

As they leaned into each other, everything else seemed to fade away. Time seemed to sop, as though holding its breath and waiting for them to light each other up. Nothing and no one dared to make a move, to make a sound. It was just them.

" _Me and you."_

And when their lips finally touched, when time and fate and the universe had finally got what they wanted, everything seemed to flood back in.

Jackson's pager went off and Sam began to fuss again, breaking off the only moment they had in a year as husband and wife.

Jackson was the first to stand up, looking at his pager. "I'm needed in the OR."

"Oh, okay," April said as she stood up too, fidgeting with her hands. "I have to take Sam back to the house. But, uh, do you want to maybe, uh, do you want to come over later after your shift? You could help me babysit?"

Jackson looked at her. It was obvious what she wanted to hear. And to be honest, the answer she hoped for was also the answer he wanted to give her. But it was not the answer he was going to give. Jackson took a deep breath.

"No, I think I'll pass. Good night, April," he said before leaving.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: I've decided to go AU with Owen and Nathan's relationship. I felt that if I followed the show's story line, it would take away the focus of the story from April and Jackson. Also, since a lot of the reviews I got were praises for the quick updates, I feel I have to inform you guys that updates from here on out won't be as quick because work's beginning to be hectic. It's my goal though to finish this before the show comes back next year. Again, a huge thank you to everyone who's been following, reviewing and reading this. Means a lot. :)**

* * *

It had been a week since they kissed and April was as frustrated and fragile as she could ever be. Instead of Jackson finally opening up to her like she thought he would, he reverted back to being distant and withdrawn from her.

She didn't know it, but Jackson was just as vulnerable. He didn't want to leave her that night. He didn't want her to go home to Arizona's. He wanted to take her and Sam home with him. He wanted to pretend just for a night that they were a family. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt that connection with her again, that pull that bound him to her.

But deep down, as much as he wanted to, he knew that the troubles he and April had wouldn't be solved overnight. With Sam there reminding them of the baby they lost, they got caught up in the moment. He knew April felt that them spending time together with Sam would bring them closer to each other. But while he wanted that, he also knew it was an easy way out and that it would only be a temporary fix. No matter how captivating and endearing Sam was, even he couldn't make all the hurt disappear.

When he saw the hope in April's eyes, when she thought he'd actually say yes, he realized he shouldn't have kissed her. He shouldn't have even stayed in the room that long. He should've left the moment he realized Alex wasn't there. It was too late though. What's done was done. At that moment, he hated himself for what he was about to say but he had to say it. April wouldn't understand. She would get hurt. But if he didn't say it, they would only end up fooling themselves into bliss until they blew up into irreparable damage.

So he told her that no, he didn't want to come over. And then he left her standing there similar to what he did in the hospital hall two weeks ago, only this time he had to force himself to walk away.

Since then, he became closed off. And April followed suit. She didn't get it right away, but after her many attempts to start a conversation with him were met with either one-word answers or complete silence, she eventually figured it out.

The hurt she felt upon realizing that Jackson regretted their kiss was like burning herself with an iron – the pain was subtle and unnoticeable at first, and then it exploded, scorching her whole body. It didn't take long for her to believe that the next step for Jackson would be to sign the divorce papers.

So they avoided each other.

It was the only way, he thought, to keep himself from committing the same mistake. He couldn't possibly go through that again and still come out of it sane. But most importantly, he couldn't let April go through that again.

It was the only way, she thought, to keep him from telling her he was going to divorce her. She was sure that was where his head was or else he wouldn't have treated her so coldly the day after they kissed.

* * *

"So you and April aren't speaking again?" Ben asked him while they had lunch at the cafeteria.

"It's…complicated," Jackson said, cringing inwardly as he said the words. He had said that word more times this past month than in his entire life, he'd begun to get sick of it. But it was the only word he could think of that would describe them.

"Looks like it. One minute you guys are suddenly buddies and in the next you're back to being colleagues with very obvious tension between them. It's a bit awkward to watch, I gotta be honest."

"We kissed," Jackson blurted out.

Ben was surprised. "Okay, wait. Let me get this straight. Awkward colleagues to buddies to lovers and then back to awkward colleagues? You guys are made for soap operas, man."

"We shouldn't have kissed. It got her hopes up," he said, ignoring what Ben said. He was talking to himself.

"Was she wrong to get her hopes up though?" Ben asked, which caught Jackson's attention. "I mean, you're obviously not ready to patch things up with her right now, but I don't think you want her to think you guys are never going to work it out right?"

Jackson didn't answer. He didn't know how to respond because he didn't know the answer.

Seeing Jackson's hesitation, Ben's eyes widened in shocking realization.

"Jackson, you're not thinking of –"

"Divorce," he finished Ben's sentence for him. "I already mentioned it to April."

"When?"

Just then, Alex took a seat at their table. "When what?"

"The same day I told you I was going to force her to get a new place."

"That was like two weeks ago!"

"What are you guys yapping about?" asked Alex impatiently.

Ben looked at Jackson. It was his news to tell.

"I'm, uh, considering divorce."

"Seriously? Does April know?" Alex asked.

"I mentioned it to her a couple weeks ago. We haven't talked about it since," Jackson admitted.

"No wonder she's more of a mess than she usually is," grumbled Alex. "The only thing keeping her from becoming completely unbearable is Sam. The little man is a champ, putting up with her like that. Can't believe he likes her more than me."

"Hey, don't talk about her like that," Jackson told him.

"Well at least I talk to her," Alex countered. " You, on the other hand, couldn't even be in the same room as her. No wonder your marriage is doomed."

"What are you trying to say, Karev?" Jackson was getting pissed.

"What I'm trying to say is," Alex said, "if you can't even be bothered to try and talk to April about whatever your crap is, you might as well just sign the divorce papers now and get it over with. Better for you, better for her and better for everyone else who has front row seats to your crappy marriage."

And with that, Alex stood and left.

"What the hell is his problem?" Jackson asked.

"Don't mind him. He lost a patient earlier so he's not in the best of moods." Ben answered. "But the man's got a point, Jackson. He's a douche for saying it, but he's got a point."

"I can't deal with this crap right now," Jackson said as he too stood up to leave.

"It seems like you can't deal with any of your crap lately," Ben muttered under his breath.

* * *

As Nathan walked through the sliding doors of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital with Sam in his arms, his heart was beating heavily.

"Nathan," Owen called out to him from across the lobby. "How is the little guy doing?"

"He's great. My mother-in-law has been spoiling him so his life is fantastic," answered Nathan. "Hey, have you seen April?"

"Yeah, I think she's in the ER right now."

"I need to talk to her. Would you mind taking care of Sam for a bit while I head over there?"

"No, of course not," Owen replied happily. "Come on, little guy. Uncle Owen is going to take you on an adventure."

As Nathan made his way to the ER, he got more and more nervous. He was already dreading what was about to happen, but he knew he didn't have a choice. He needed to talk to April.

* * *

April opened the door to the supply closet and found Penny inside. She was just standing there, not doing anything.

"Hey," April said.

"Hi," Penny replied. "I was just uh –"

"Hiding from Dr. Grey?"

"No, no. I was uh…"

"It's okay, Penny," April said, trying to calm her nerves. "I'm not going to tell on you."

Penny breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

April felt bad for Penny. Since the dinner party, everyone was either mad at her for her part in Derek's death or completely indifferent to her because they didn't want to offend Meredith. Having been through what Penny had, April exerted extra effort in making Penny feel that she wasn't totally isolated.

After April got the supplies she needed for the ER, she turned to leave the room. Before she closed the door, she faced Penny one more time.

"I was in your shoes once. I wish I could tell you the guilt goes away, but it doesn't. From here on out, you just try to save as many lives as you can to make up for that one mistake you made," she told her. "You're not going to be saving lives by hiding in this room. Go be a doctor. Never mind the crap that comes with it."

Penny looked at her. April smiled back.

"Thanks," Penny said.

"I'll give you a couple more minutes to yourself," April said, before heading to the ER.

* * *

"Hey, man," Alex greeted Nathan in the ER. "You bring the little guy with you?"

"Hey," Nathan greeted back. "Yeah, but Hunt beat you to him."

"Poor kid. He won't last fifteen minutes before he starts crying."

Nathan laughed. "Hunt's pretty good with him."

"Not as good as me though. That kid adores me."

Nathan laughed some more until he realized why he was in the ER to begin with.

"Hey, have you seen April? I need to talk to her."

"She went to get some things from the supply closet. She'll be back soon," replied Alex.

"Alright, I'll just wait for her here then."

After some thought, Alex said, "Dude, I'm surprised you aren't annoyed with her by now. Her mood swings have been intense lately."

Rubbing the back of his head, Nathan chuckled. "Yeah, she's not handling this thing with Jackson really well. But then again, who would?"

Alex shrugged.

"Hey, I know April isn't your favorite person in the world. But she needs a bad cop. She saved my life, so I can't be the bad cop. And besides, you're not her favorite person either so, you know, it's a win-win situation," Nathan said.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You mean a lose-lose situation."

"Whatever, at least you get to annoy her and she gets to take out her frustration on you. Come on, man. She can be annoying at times, but even you can't deny she's a genuinely good person."

"Fine," Alex muttered. He'd been on the receiving end of her goodness before. "Where's Sam? If I'm going to babysit Kepner then I should at least have more time with the little dude to keep me sane."

Nathan smiled as he watched Alex walk away. April had Arizona and, even if he wasn't exactly jumping up and down, she had Alex too.

Then he saw April enter the ER and his smile disappeared. Taking a deep breath, he began to walk toward her.

"April."

"Oh hey," she said. "I didn't know you were coming by today. Where's Sam?"

"He's with Hunt," he answered. "Look, I need to talk to you."


	14. Chapter 14

"Are you…" April started, her eyes wide in shock. "You're kidding, right?"

"No. I wish I was," Nathan said.

"When did this happen?" she asked.

"A week ago."

"That dinner," she said, suddenly remembering. "That's what it was about and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't know it was going to be about that. He just ambushed me right in the middle of dinner, and I didn't tell you afterward because I haven't decided yet. I just gave him my answer last night."

"And you told him yes?" April asked him in disbelief.

"Yeah, I did," he answered.

"Why the hell would you say yes? You could've said no. You should've said no," April insisted.

Nathan sighed. "Come on, April. You've been there. You know what it's like. Tell me how was I supposed to say no?"

"You just do! You say you've done your part, you've served your country. Now it's time to focus on your son," she insisted.

"And what about my friends back there who are waiting for me, who specifically asked me to lead them? Do I just forget about them altogether?" he countered.

She hesitated. She had seen how tight Nathan's unit was and how all of them trusted him completely. After she saved Nathan's life during the rebels' attack in their camp, his whole unit felt indebted to her. She saw firsthand not only how they relied on him as their leader, but more importantly how they saw him as, well, as their person. He couldn't just forget about them. He wouldn't be the kind of person she knew him as if he did.

"When are you leaving? What about Sam?" she asked instead.

"We're flying back to Cleveland in three days. My parents are there so Sam will stay with them," he paused, shuffling his feet. "And then I leave for Jordan two days after that."

April shook her head. "That soon? I don't… I don't understand it. You have Sam and he needs you. I can't believe you're just going to leave him behind."

"April, I –"

"I have an ER to run," April said, cutting him off. She walked toward the nearest trauma bed and started treating a patient.

* * *

After a very hectic day and after hearing Nathan's news, April just wanted to curl up in the bed she'd been sleeping on in Arizona's guest bedroom. It still didn't feel like home, far from it. But it was a bed and she desperately needed to lie down on one.

When she entered the attendings' lounge to get her things, she saw Jackson and Alex, who was carrying Sam.

"Hey," Jackson said, suddenly uneasy. He was remembering the last time he was in that room with April and Sam.

"Hi," she said in return, her face blushing in embarrassment. Like Jackson, she also remembered. Hers hurt a bit more though.

Turning to Alex, April asked, "Where's Nathan?"

"He said he has a few errands to run. And no, you can't have him," said Alex, referring to Sam. "Nathan told me I could have him 'til he gets back. It's my turn."

"I wasn't going to take him from you."

"Yeah, you were. I saw that look in your eyes. You've been hogging him since he got here. It's not like they're going anywhere, you know."

Whatever April was thinking of saying she suddenly forgot when Alex finished his sentence. Yes they were, she thought. Nathan and Sam would be leaving in three days. Who knew when she'd be able to see either of them again?

"What's wrong?" Jackson's voice broke through her thoughts. He had noticed the change that came over her face.

April looked at him and saw the concern in his eyes. And then she realized.

She was about to answer him when Nathan knocked on the door.

"Hey, sorry it took me awhile," Nathan told Alex.

"No worries, man," said Alex. "Little dude was awesome as always."

"Alex, do you mind looking after him a bit longer?" April asked. Turning to Nathan, she said, "I need to talk to you."

Just then, Alex's pager went off. "Sorry, I just got paged."

"I'll look after him," Jackson spoke up. "I have some free time anyway."

After giving Sam to Jackson, Alex said, "Alright, but after I'm done with this patient –"

"Just go, Karev. We're not going anywhere," Jackson said.

As Alex left the room, April turned to Jackson. "Thank you."

"No problem," he replied.

April motioned for Nathan to follow her out the room and he did.

When April and Nathan left the room, Jackson looked at Sam and smiled. It was his first time being alone with him.

"Don't cry on me now, okay? I intend on spending more time with you." Jackson said. "So the last thing I want your dad to think is I'm a horrible babysitter."

Sam just stared at him with a blank face.

"Look, I know Karev already has a big lead on me and I understand why you like him. The guy practically has the same maturity level as you," he said. "But trust me, I'm the fun guy."

Sam giggled, almost as if he knew that grown men were vying for the chance to change his smelly diapers.

"Ha! See?" Jackson said. "Told you. Fun guy."

* * *

April led Nathan to the stairwell so that they could have some privacy. And as soon as the door closed, she spoke up.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"What for? Well, I know what for. I just want to hear you say it," Nathan said with a smirk.

April smiled. She was relieved to find out Nathan wasn't upset with her.

"I'm sorry for getting mad at you and for walking out while you were in the middle of saying something."

"Should I forgive you?" Nathan asked. "Or should I make you beg for it?"

April playfully hit him in the shoulder.

"Ow! Not forgiven," Nathan said loudly, faking pain.

"You ass," April said.

"You're lucky you saved my life or else I would've gone complete Jackson on you," he teased.

April stopped. Seeing her reaction and realizing what he had just said, Nathan regretted it.

"That just came out. I'm sorry. I –"

"No, it's fine. It's true," she told him, sitting down on the steps.

Nathan sat down next to her. "Talk to me, April."

"It's just that back in that room, I realized something," she began. "At the back of my head, I always knew you weren't going to stay here forever, that you would be going back to Cleveland, but I couldn't help it. I got mad at you not just because you're going away, I got mad because you going away means you and Sam leaving me. And then earlier, I looked at Jackson and I realized…"

"You're him," Nathan completed her thought. "And I'm you."

"Yeah, I've always understood why he's mad at me for leaving, but I couldn't get why he just didn't want to let it go, you know? Forgive and forget, the past is in the past, what matters is now – that sort of thing. But now that I kind of know how he must've felt, I get it. And it sucks," she said.

"Yeah it does," Nathan said.

"You're the closest thing I have to a brother, you know. Meredith used to say Christina was her person. You, you're my person. Ever since Samuel died, everyone's been treating me like some fragile little thing, but you, you don't butter me up. You give me crap when I need it."

Nathan laughed. "It's one of my favorite things to do, I gotta say."

"And now you're leaving and Sam is leaving, and I don't know if I can handle that," she said. "I can't even begin to imagine how Jackson was able to handle it when I left."

Nathan sighed. "I told you the reason I extended my stay was because my mother-in-law asked me to. It's true, she did. But I didn't intend on staying this long. Truth is I stayed because I wanted to make sure you and Jackson would be okay. I'm so grateful that you went to Jordan because I wouldn't be here for Sam right now if you didn't, and I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to Megan. And I feel guilty because of it, because my happiness right now cost you yours."

"Don't feel guilty. It was my choice," she said.

After a while, April spoke again. "You know, a few days after you got here, I began to think that maybe you being here might be good for Jackson and I. I thought maybe Sam, him being named after our baby and all, would bring us closer to each other. I know, it's horrible. I'm using your son to save my marriage that is already heading for a divorce. I'm a bad person."

Nathan turned to her, "I'm going to give you crap again, okay? Promise me you won't smack me in the jaw."

"I promise," April said, rolling her eyes.

"Look, I love you, April. And Sam loves you too. He completely adores you. You've done more for us than I could ever repay," he began. "But we can't be your comfort blanket forever. I understand why you might think Sam can solve your problems for you. I mean, look at his face, it's the face of an angel. I wouldn't be surprised if he can bring world peace and cure cancer. But Sam can only do so much and I don't think fixing your marriage is part of his superpowers."

"I know, I figured that out when Jackson stopped talking to me after we kissed," she admitted. "Now, I just feel like we're avoiding each other. I feel like if I talk to him, he's going to tell me he's made up his mind and he wants a divorce."

"Sooner or later, you're going to have to face the music, even if it's the kind you don't want to hear."

April took a deep breath. Nathan was leaving soon. She didn't want to spend the remaining days they had talking about her doomed marriage.

"As long as it isn't the stupid hip hop crap you listen to, I'm fine with it," she joked.

"Hey," Nathan said, feigning offense. "Jesus loves Kanye too."

April laughed. "I'm going to miss this."

Nathan put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him.

"Me too. But for what it's worth, and I hope you don't go running out crying, I'm not your person... Megan was my person. Now it's Sam. Jackson is your person, April. I'm just the good-looking substitute."

She smacked his arm. "You're never gonna let that go, are you?"

"Are you kidding me? That's gonna stay with me forever."

She looked at him. "Is he really though? My person? I've always known we were meant to be. I feel it in my bones. But with all that's been happening between us, sometimes even I have to convince myself that."

"People like us only get one person," he said. "I got mine already. Even though Megan isn't here anymore, I still thank God I had her as long as I did. You still have yours, April. It doesn't feel like it now, but he's still yours. And you're still his."

"God, I hope so," she whispered, as she leaned her head on his shoulder.

* * *

If Nathan and April got up a couple of seconds before they did, they would've seen Jackson's face through the glass window of the door.

Jackson, carrying Sam, went out to look for Nathan to tell him he was going to the cafeteria for a while and he was taking the baby with him. He almost passed by the door to the stairwell when he caught the back of April's head. His eyes seemed to always zero in on her fiery red locks.

When he saw April and Nathan sitting on the steps, his arm on her shoulder and her head leaning into him, the first thought that came to him was that maybe, just maybe, he pushed his wife a little too far.

But he didn't stand around to figure out the flood of emotions that washed over him. He turned his heels, went back to the attendings' lounge and sat on the couch. For a second, he forgot that Sam was on his lap and that the baby was waiting to be given his undivided attention. When Sam didn't get it right away, he began to fuss, which brought Jackson out of his trance.

"Hey, Sam," Nathan said happily as he entered the room a few seconds later. April wasn't with him. Speaking to Jackson, he said, "Hope he wasn't too much trouble."

"He was no trouble at all," Jackson replied as he handed Sam to Nathan. Against his better judgment, he asked, "Where's April?"

"She had to rush back to the ER. A lot of victims are coming in from a car collision," he answered.

Not five seconds after Nathan finished his sentence did Jackson receive a page, instructing him to go to the ER as well.

"Just got paged," Jackson said. He couldn't be any more grateful to have been paged at that moment. After what he had just seen, the last thing he wanted was to be in the same room as Nathan. Seeing him smile with his son in his arms made Jackson's blood boil that he had to clench his fist to keep himself from totally losing it.

He didn't wait for Nathan to say anything. He headed straight for the door and out the room, leaving Nathan and Sam alone.

"Alright, I guess that's our cue to leave too," Nathan told Sam. "Let's go, little man."


	15. Chapter 15

The following day, April was waiting for the elevator doors to close when a hand reached in to stop it. It was Jackson. For a moment, he just stood there with his hand blocking the elevator doors from closing, but his feet not moving to go in. He looked like he was debating whether or not he should enter.

April made that decision for him.

Gesturing to the space beside her, she said, "There's plenty of room for the both of us."

After the realization she had yesterday and her talk with Nathan, she decided to completely give the ball to his court. She realized she'd been unfair to him. She had accepted that he was angry with her, but at the same time she kept trying to make him let go of that anger. She had apologized to him, but she also kept forcing him to forgive her one way or another. She hadn't given him the chance to just _be_ mad at her.

So she was done avoiding him. If he avoided her, she'd take it in silence. If he gave her a chance to talk, that's when she'd explain. And if he asked for a divorce, well, she hadn't decided on what to do in that scenario yet. But it was the one she thought of the most.

Having been put on the spot by his wife, Jackson hesitantly stepped into the elevator. And when the doors closed, they both took a deep breath.

"What's this I hear about a going away party for Nathan and Sam tomorrow night?" Jackson asked. He couldn't help himself. Ben had told him about it a couple of hours after he saw April and Nathan in the stairwell. It was only after Ben told him the news that he was finally able to relax and breathe better. That was what he saw in the stairwell, he thought, April finding out that Nathan was leaving.

"Oh, uh, Nathan is going back to Jordan. So they're flying back to Cleveland the day after tomorrow. Then he leaves for his tour a couple days after that." she answered.

"Wow," said Jackson, completely surprised. When he asked Ben where Nathan was going, Ben said he didn't know. So Jackson just assumed that he was going back home.

Hearing that Nathan was going to do another tour, Jackson couldn't help but feel a sense of dread. Before he could stop himself, he opened his mouth. "Are you thinking about it too? Going back to Jordan, I mean."

"What? No," she said firmly, looking at him. "Jackson, no. I told you, I'm staying. For good."

Jackson's face didn't betray the huge relief he felt on the inside. He turned to her, his expression softened. "Are you okay? With them leaving? I mean, I know you and Nathan are close. And Sam, well, you know."

April looked down as she smiled. He still cared. "I've accepted it, I guess," she said.

"How about Sam? Where will he be staying?"

"Nathan's parents will take care of him. They're also in Cleveland."

"I see."

"Hey, you'll be there, right? At the party?"

"Yeah, I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it," Jackson said. When they got to their floor, he was the first one to step out. "See you around."

"See you," April said, but he was already out of earshot.

* * *

"He asked me if I was okay. That means he still cares, right?" April asked Arizona. April had some free time on her hands so she was hanging with Arizona in the peds room. Alex was there too.

"Of course he still cares," Arizona replied.

"Do you think he's still thinking about divorce?"

Arizona hesitated. She and Alex shared a look. Alex had told her about what Jackson told him the day before.

"I don't know. He hasn't mentioned it to you anymore though, right?"

"Yeah. He said he's going to the party tomorrow night so that's another good sign," April said, trying to reassure herself.

"He's going for Sam," Alex blurted out.

Up until that point, Alex had remained quiet. He didn't want to be part of their conversation. The last thing he wanted to get himself into was April and Jackson's marriage troubles. But his conversation with Nathan kept popping up in his head. Under any other circumstance, he would've just ignored that request, but Alex liked the guy. And he loved his son.

"What?" April asked, confused about what he said and surprised that he was actually listening to their conversation.

"Jackson. He's going to the party for Sam," he said awkwardly. "Don't get your hopes up." And then he walked out of the room.

"What was that about?" April turned to Arizona.

Arizona shrugged. "Sam's leaving him. He's obviously not taking it well."

Glancing at where Alex just left, April muttered, "I'm not sure if he was being a douche or if he actually cared."

"Knowing Alex, it's probably both," Arizona replied.

"I guess," she said. "Hey, are you sure it's okay if we have the party at your place?"

"Of course!" Arizona said, her eyes suddenly widening in excitement. "Maybe we can hide Sam in the house somewhere when Nathan isn't looking, then we can keep him forever."

April gave her a look. "You know you sound like a creep, right?"

"Fine, just me and Alex then," said Arizona.

"Arizona!" April exclaimed.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But seriously April, are you okay with all this?

She inhaled, closed her eyes and nodded. "Yes. It sucks, but yes. I was in Nathan's shoes not too long ago. I know what it's like to have to do something that doesn't really make sense to anyone else."

She paused. Arizona remained quiet, she knew April wasn't finished yet and she was right.

Looking at Arizona, April continued, "And now I'm n Jackson's shoes."

Arizona gave her a sad smile. "How does it feel?"

"Painful," was all she said.

* * *

"Hey, is it true Nathan and Sam are leaving?" Callie asked Jackson. They were hanging around at the nurse's station while waiting for their interns to return with the lab results of their respective patients.

"Yeah," he said.

"How's Kepner taking it?"

Jackson shrugged his shoulders. "She said she's accepted it."

"Really?" Callie seemed surprised.

"That's what she told me."

"So you two are talking now?"

"I guess you can say that."

"Huh, so she's really fine with it? With Nathan and Sam leaving?"

Jackson raised his arms up. "Why do you find that unbelievable?"

"Well, I kind of expected her to, I don't know, get mad at him, kind of like how you were with her," Callie said. "I mean she's the last person I'd expect to just go 'Oh, you're leaving? Okay, I accept that.' She's already in love with Sam and Nathan is kind of like her person now, so I would've bet she'd be going all crazy Kepner by now.

"I'm sorry, her person?" Jackson asked, unable to hide his distaste at hearing the word.

"Yeah. She can't talk to you because you're all moody and bothered. Nathan, on the other hand, is always there to listen, always ready to help. He's basically the not husband version of you. He's like the Mark Sloan to Arizona and I except Arizona and I loved him and you, you know, hate him," Callie said nonchalantly.

"I don't hate him," Jackson insisted.

"Oh, you totally do," Callie said, giving Jackson that look that meant she knew she was totally right. "You're just trying to be all mature and grown up about it. But the truth is you're pissed that when she left you, she found him. What's worse is he turns out to be a genuinely good guy who has the cutest baby boy in the world. He's kind of kicking your ass now."

"I don't hate him and he is not kicking my ass. There's no problem between him and me," Jackson said, as Callie's words slowly made their way to his head. "He's not the one who left me hanging here, Torres. Why would I be pissed at him?"

"Because, unlike you, he gets to talk to Kepner and hang out with her whenever he wants. You just stare at her from a distance," Callie said, exasperated.

"I don't stare at her from a distance," he muttered.

"I see you, Avery. You stare," Callie countered.

He did stare. He had no problems keeping his head straight when he was in the elevator with her that morning, but after that, all he did was stare. He thought he was being inconspicuous about it. He would be in the ER or in the cafeteria and when he saw her, he'd sneak glances. He didn't know that Callie was looking at him whenever he did it. He didn't even realize that every time he snuck a glance, he would end up lingering on her until he was legitimately staring.

Seeing that she got him cornered, she eased on the teasing. "Look on the bright side, he's leaving in two days. After that, you'll have Kepner all to yourself again."

Just then, DeLuca approached them to give Callie the lab results for her patient.

"Dr. Avery, Dr. Torres," he greeted.

As Callie scanned through the lab results, DeLuca spoke up again. "So are you guys going to the party?"

Both attendings exchanged looks.

"Kepner invited you?" Callie asked him.

Her question seemed to throw DeLuca off. "Well, uh," he stammered. "The party is at Arizona's place and since April and I both live there, I'm kinda part of the party planning committee."

"I see," Callie said.

"And as long as you're in this hospital, it's Dr. Robbins and Dr. Kepner," Jackson added. "Don't forget that, intern."

"Yes, right. Sorry," sputtered DeLuca before walking away in embarrassment.

"I stand corrected," Callie quipped. "After Nathan leaves, she still has DeLuca."

"Shut up," grumbled Jackson, as Callie left to go to her patient all the while laughing.

All of a sudden, Jackson was in a foul mood. He didn't like the way DeLuca called April by her first name like they were equals. But mostly, he didn't like the conversation he just had with Callie.


	16. Chapter 16

When Jackson drove up Arizona's place the next day, he couldn't help but think he was having deja vu. Similar to what he felt on the night of Meredith's dinner party, he prepared himself for an uneasy night ahead.

After going over his conversation with Callie, he finally admitted to himself the truth. He liked Nathan as a person. Truth be told, he was one of the nicest guys he'd ever met and it didn't surprise him why April was able to form such a tight bond with him.

But at the same time, he envied him – his closeness to his wife, how easy it was for her to confide in him. Callie was wrong. He didn't hate Nathan. But he hated the fact that he couldn't hate him because he really wanted to. So he considered just skipping the party altogether.

He ended up going anyway though because no matter how hard he tried convincing himself it wasn't wise of him to go, he couldn't pass up the chance to see Sam before he left.

When Nathan first told him about Sam, he warned himself not to get attached to him. And at first, he succeeded in doing so. When he passed Nathan and Sam in the hall, he rarely stopped to chat. But the night he and April kissed extinguished all the resolve that he had. After that, he let himself be drawn in to Sam because, in a sense, it drew him to April too. Most of all, it gave him something of his son to hold on to.

As he made his way to the front door, he kept telling himself Sam was the reason why he was here. And for a while, he was convinced.

Jackson rang the doorbell and was greeted by Arizona.

"Hey! Come on in," Arizona chirped. Unlike the last dinner party, she wasn't drunk yet. "Dinner's almost ready and I can tell you it's going to be good. April is cooking and it turns out DeLuca knows his way around the kitchen too."

Jackson merely smiled as he took his coat off. Ever since his marriage began to fall apart, he found it quite difficult to talk to Arizona about anything related to his wife. He knew they were exceptionally close. But unlike how he felt about April's friendship with Nathan, he was glad that April had Arizona in her corner. Arizona didn't think his wife was weird, nor did she roll her eyes whenever April had her little April moments. They understood each other, sometimes more than Jackson understood April, and he welcomed it. April deserved a friend like that.

He could smell the food from the kitchen and he knew right away what it was – April's roast beef. When he caught the scent of his wife's cooking, he finally admitted that no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, Sam wasn't the only reason why he was there.

As Jackson made his way to the living room, he could hear an argument breakout.

"Give me the baby," Owen was ordering Alex.

"No," Alex said, his face smug.

"You had him the most these past few days, Karev. Stop hogging the baby." Owen was beginning to lose his patience.

"No," Alex wouldn't budge.

Just then, Webber and Bailey went over to them.

"Give me the baby, Karev," Webber told Alex.

"What? No, you go wait in line."

"I made you into the doctor you are today, child. Give me the baby," Webber said firmly, his eyes wide and his expression deadly.

Begrudgingly, Alex gave in. He let Webber take Sam from his arms. Not a second sooner, Webber turned around and gave Sam to Bailey which stunned the two other men.

"Wait, that's not fair!" Owen protested.

"That's cheating!" Alex argued.

Bailey looked at both of them. "I will not let this precious little baby spend his last day in Seattle being fought over by two grown ass men!" She berated them, before walking over to the couch where Nathan, Callie and the others were enjoying the scene unfold.

"Hey, little guy," Jackson greeted Sam, as he sat on the couch opposite Bailey. "You must be enjoying all this attention, huh?"

"Oh he is, I can assure you," Nathan said. "I think he can tell he won't be getting this much special treatment once he gets back home."

"You're going to break a lot of hearts when you leave, baby boy," Callie said. Turning her attention to Nathan, she added, "So you better make sure you'll come see us again when you return from Jordan."

"How long will you be in Jordan anyway?" Jackson asked, trying to sound casual. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Callie was looking at him with a smirk, and he suddenly regretted giving in to his curiosity.

"Six months to a year, I'm not certain yet," Nathan answered.

"This cutie's practically gonna be a grown man when you get back," Bailey said.

"Yeah, it's going to suck. I've never been away from him for more than 24 hours. On the bright side though, that's six months of no diaper changing. You won't believe how much this little one poops in the middle of the night."

"Oh trust me, I do. I would change Tuck's diapers four times when he was Sam's age," Bailey said.

"With Sofia, it was easier since Mark, Arizona and I would take turns. But yes, babies love to poop. I think it's their second favorite thing next to puking," Callie added.

"Derek did most of the diaper changing with Zola," said Meredith, nonchalantly. "Which, I guess, is only right since now I have no choice with Bailey."

At the mention of Derek's name, an awkward silence fell upon the group. Even though Penny wasn't there and Meredith had made an effort to be civil toward her, there was still tension in the air, and everyone there could feel it.

Not wanting to be in the middle of all that and also feeling uneasy from all the baby talks that he should've been able to relate to but couldn't, Jackson stood up.

"I need drink."

"Me too. I'll go with you," Callie said.

* * *

In the kitchen, April and DeLuca were cooking dinner while Arizona, who was sitting on the counter, was trying – but failing – to make herself useful. April was making her special roast beef with mashed potatoes while DeLuca, who surprised both women when he told them he could cook, was making spaghetti and meatballs - a family recipe, he said.

"I'm telling you, April," DeLuca was telling her, "Your husband hates me."

April rolled her eyes. "Dude, relax. He doesn't hate you. He's probably just annoyed with you, kind of like how I am right now since you won't stop nagging me about it."

"I don't have to be cooking for your party right now, you know" he said.

"Oh don't pretend like you didn't volunteer just so you could impress Pierce," countered Arizona.

"Yeah and look where it's gotten me, she isn't even coming – Hey, Dr. Avery!" DeLuca said suddenly. "Dr. Torres."

April turned around from the stove to see Jackson enter the kitchen followed by Callie.

"We're not in the hospital anymore, DeLuca," Callie said, amused by the intern's anxiety. "You can drop the doctor… unless Dr. Avery here still demands to be respected in this kitchen."

"Time's wasting here, Andrew, and people aren't getting any fuller," April told DeLuca to save him from having to face Jackson. She then turned to her husband and Callie. "Jackson, hey. You guys need anything?"

"Uh yeah, something to drink would be nice," answered Jackson.

"Yes, something strong would be even better," added Callie.

"There's wine, whiskey and beer in the fridge. Help yourselves," Arizona said.

Jackson and Callie both poured themselves a glass of red wine and made their way back to the living room. Once they were out of earshot, Callie nudged Jackson. "Look at Kepner and the intern cooking dinner like an unhappily married couple," she teased.

"Torres, I will literally murder you if you do not stop," Jackson hissed.

"Fine, fine. Don't be such a grumpist," she said with a smirk.

Jackson shot her a look, his eyes wide with a mixture of surprise and anger. "You –"

"Stopping now," she said, hurrying back to the couch.

* * *

When the cooking and preparation were done, everyone gathered around the table and started to eat. By sheer coincidence, Jackson found himself sitting between April and Nathan. Throughout the entire meal, the conversation centered on Nathan – his time in the war and his stories about Sam, who was now sleeping soundly in his carrier.

"So," Bailey began, "You got any more stories about G.I. Kepner over here? I'd love to hear some more of her little… fightts."

"Did she kick a guy's nuts? Set someone's hair on fire? Chopped off a man's penis?" Alex asked, clearly enjoying the topic of conversation. When he heard about April punching a guy twice her size, he was so surprised that he almost fell off his chair laughing.

Glaring at Alex, April said, "No, I did not. I'm about to though."

Everyone in the table broke out in laughter, except for Alex who, for the first time in his life, felt a hint of fear toward April.

"Nah, apart from that one time, April was always a goody two shoes," Nathan said. "After the Plastic Kepner thing died down, everyone started calling her Sister April because she was always in the chapel."

"No surprise there," chuckled Meredith.

Callie piped up, "I wonder why we never thought of that nickname before."

"That's where Nathan and I met," April said.

Nathan added, "That's also where she saved my life."

April looked down at her plate, almost embarrassed. Everyone else looked at Nathan silently, waiting to hear the story.

* * *

It had been a hot day when Nathan and April went to the chapel for their daily chat with God and each other. Nathan, arriving first, sat on one of the chairs on the left side of the chapel. A moment later, April entered and decided to take a seat on one of the chairs on the right side.

Fifteen minutes later, a shell exploded right outside the side where Nathan was sitting. Pieces of metal and shrapnel plunged themselves into his body. Some went through and through, and he began to bleed out. Insurgents had ambushed their camp and there was gunfire everywhere.

April could've just left him to find a place to hide. She didn't have a gun. She wasn't a soldier. She wasn't trained to fight. But she was a doctor, a damn good one, and she was trained to save lives. So instead of running for cover, she crawled on all fours toward Nathan.

"Go," Nathan said, coughing up blood.

"Don't talk. I'm staying, there's nothing you can do about it," April said, her voice firm and determined, yet also full of fear.

Bullets were flying everywhere that she couldn't sit up without the risk of being hit. Seeing that he was losing a lot of blood fast, April tried desperately to stop as much of the bleeding as she could. After what felt like forever, she could see that their soldiers had already begun to return fire and were slowly gaining momentum. The rebels were outgunned and outnumbered. She knew it was only a matter of time before the rebels would be forced to retreat.

Seeing that Nathan was slowly losing consciousness, she drew closer to him so that he could hear her over the gunfire.

"Nathan, I lost a son and I may be losing my husband as we speak. I am not losing a friend right now. You hear me?" she screamed in his ear. "You are going to live. You're going to see Megan again and you're going to be a wonderful father to a wonderful baby boy so don't you dare die today!"

"Okay," Nathan moaned, before blacking out.

The following day, Nathan woke up in the army hospital. April was there beside him.

"Hey," she said. "Thank you for not dying on me."

"Well," he croaked, "It's not like you gave me any other choice.

* * *

"So," Alex spoke up when Nathan didn't say anything else. "How'd it happen?"

Nathan looked at April, which made everyone else look at her too.

When it was obvious that she wasn't going to tell the story, Nathan spoke. "A small group of rebels ambushed our base one afternoon. April and I were in the chapel when a bomb exploded just outside where I was sitting, so I got hurt pretty bad."

Nathan continued, "She should've looked for cover. The explosion took out the whole tent so we were completely exposed to enemy fire. But she stayed and kept me alive. The guys stopped calling her Sister April after that. From then on, she was April Kepner."

Owen, who was seated beside April, nudged her elbow. "You're a soldier," he said with a wink.

April, feeling uneasy about being the center of attention, shrugged. "It's no big deal. Now that wildfire earlier today – that was a big deal. I still can't believe you took on 40 firefighters, Chief, and on your first day too," she said, looking at Bailey.

With that, everyone began talking about the many cases they had to deal with that entire day. Owen was telling Nathan about his mother's boyfriend. Arizona and Webber were going through her failed attempt to ask one of the firefighters out on a date. Everyone else had their own little conversation, except for Jackson, who was still processing what he'd just heard, and April, who badly wanted to know what was on Jackson's mind.

Turning to Jackson, April said quietly, "Are you… What are you thinking?"

"Nothing," Jackson said at first. After a while though, he added, "Just, I'm proud of you for doing what you did."

April smiled. There was no one else she wanted to be proud of her more than her husband.

"Maybe," she thought against her better judgment, "This is our turning point."


	17. Chapter 17

Once dinner was over, most of the guests had gone home after saying goodbye to Nathan and Sam, who was now awake.

DeLuca went to the hospital for his shift and Arizona was in the living room with Nathan and Owen. The latter two were exchanging stories about their time in the army as Arizona listened intently while cradling Sam.

April found herself alone in the kitchen as she cleaned up. As she washed the dishes, her thoughts went back to Meredith's party, when she and Jackson had their little moment doing exactly what she was doing right then. How she wished that same scenario would repeat itself that night.

After he told her he was proud of her, Jackson hadn't said much else to her for the rest of the evening. And when everyone had finished eating, she went straight to the kitchen to clean up, hoping Jackson would follow. But fifteen minutes had passed and he hadn't shown up yet. She didn't even know if he had gone home already or not.

She was beginning to regret this tactic of hers until she heard footsteps approaching the kitchen. Hoping it was who she hoped it was, she literally had to force herself to not turn around to see if she was right.

* * *

Jackson had seen her walk to the kitchen and for a split second, he almost stood up to follow her. After some thought though, he decided against it. He couldn't trust himself to be alone with April without doing something he might regret afterward.

The stories Nathan shared soothed the quiet anger he was still feeling toward April but for how long, he thought. He knew very well he wouldn't be able to completely move past his fight with her with just the help of cute babies and heartwarming stories. He needed to know why she felt it was better to leave him than to stay. And he wanted a real answer – not some crap about being called or whatever. He didn't believe that God existed, but if he did, he would think that God wouldn't call someone to walk out on her already fragile marriage.

So instead of following her to the kitchen like his heart wanted him to, he continued talking to Ben and Webber. Now that Ben and Webber had already left, he looked around, saw that the only ones left were Nathan, Arizona and Owen, and knew that it was time for him to leave as well.

He took a deep breath and made his way to the kitchen.

As he entered, April's back was facing him. He allowed himself a second to just look at her hair – he loved her hair, how it always stood out and how it reflected her passion for everything she loved.

When he realized that if he stayed quiet a moment longer someone else could walk in, he cleared his throat to get her attention.

And when April turned around to face him, his heart broke a little. Jackson had known April more than anyone else and he had been by her side for years, and while there were still parts of her he had trouble understanding, every part of her that he did understand he understood completely.

When Jackson saw her face, he knew right away that his wife had waited for him, that while he was making small talk with Ben and Webber, April had probably counted the seconds 'til he showed up. And now that he had, he could see clearly that she wanted him to stay longer than he knew he should. And his heart broke because he couldn't give her that.

"Thanks for dinner," he said.

It wasn't what April wanted to hear. With those three words, she knew instantly she was wrong to have expected him to stay. She could see now that he wouldn't. But still, she had to try.

"Did you like it?" she asked, trying to seem happier than she really was. "I know it's your favorite."

"Yeah, it was good," he answered. But before she could say anything else, he added, "I better go. I need to get some sleep."

"Oh, okay," she said, her voice cracking a bit as she tried to sound casual.

"Goodnight," Jackson said, before turning to leave.

She was about to tell him goodnight too, but she realized he wouldn't hear her anymore. So she went back to washing the dishes, all the while thinking about all the times Jackson had walked away from her without waiting for her to finish what she had to say.

* * *

As Jackson walked out the front door, Nathan and Sam were on the front porch saying goodbye to Owen who had just drove out of the driveway.

"I'm headed out too," Jackson said, offering Nathan his hand. "Good luck out there and keep safe."

Shaking Jackson's hand, Nathan replied, "Thanks, man. You too."

Jackson turned his attention to Sam, who was in his father's arms. "You take care too, little guy, okay? I hope to see you again soon." He stepped back, nodded a final goodbye to Nathan and started down the steps.

Before he reached the pavement though, Nathan followed him and spoke up. "Hey, man," he began, clearly uncomfortable. "I know it's not my place to say this and, believe me, I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I can't leave without letting you know. April, she… she misses you, man. I know she's the one who left in the first place, but the whole time she was there, she was always thinking of you. When we met at the chapel, she was praying for you, she'd pray that you would always be safe and that you'd find it in your heart to forgive her."

"The fact that she wanted my forgiveness means she knew all along that what she was doing was wrong, and yet she did it anyway," Jackson said, trying to keep his voice cool.

"Yeah, she did. But she didn't do it because she wanted to hurt you. She just needed to escape for a while," Nathan replied.

"It's interesting that the one thing she needed wasn't me. In fact, the thing she needed most was an escape from me. And you know what's funny? What's funny is that I needed her. I needed her when she felt she needed to be away from me," answered Jackson, the coolness in his voice gone.

Nathan let out a sigh. He said cautiously, "Look, man, the last thing I want to do right now is piss you off. You're a good guy and I get why you're angry. I would be too. I really would. But take it from someone who lost the love of his life, it's never too soon to try and fix things. Just, you know, I'm not asking you to forgive her. I'm just asking you to hear her out. She has her reasons for doing what she did. You might not understand them – I didn't either at first – but you should at least give yourself the chance to know what her reasons are and maybe heal from that."

Jackson didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to feel. He didn't know if Nathan's words were making his anger worse or if they were easing it. But what he did know was that he needed to be alone to figure things out.

"I have to go," he said finally, turning around to leave.

Nathan cracked a smile. He could see that Jackson was more confused than mad, and he saw that as a good thing.

"There is still hope," he thought to himself. "But just to be sure…"

Nathan called out to him, "She loves you Jackson. She has a crappy way of showing it sometimes, but she does."

Jackson only looked at him, before he continued to walk to his car. He didn't say anything. He couldn't. He was suddenly so damn tired.

* * *

"That went pretty well, don't you think?" Arizona asked.

She and April had just finished cleaning up the place and were now sitting on the living room couch. Nathan had left a couple of minutes ago so they had the whole house to themselves again.

"Well, we ended the night without anyone revealing that someone killed somebody so I guess you could say that," April replied.

"I saw you and Jackson talking in the kitchen earlier," Arizona said.

"I don't think you can consider that talking." April sighed.

"It's better than nothing though, right?"

April looked at her, not bothering to hide how miserable she was. "No, it's not. At this point, nothing would be better than, I don't know, being thrown scraps and bits of hope whenever he's feeling generous with me. I'm not a dog. I'm his wife. I know he's mad and he has every right to be, but this… what he's doing… it's cruel."

The tears began to fall soon after. Arizona took her hand, trying to comfort her. For a while, they stayed that way. Anyone else would have been secretly coming up with an excuse to get out of there, but not Arizona. She never forgot the time April stayed with her during her own dark time when everyone found out she cheated on Callie, nor did she forget the bond they made in that supply closet with champagne glasses and her prosthetic leg.

Sometime later, April took a deep breath, wiped her tears with the back of her hand and turned to Arizona, "You still need a wingman or wingwoman or whatever for tomorrow?"

Arizona raised an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't know much about lesbians?"

"I don't," April said, sniffing. "But you need a wingman. Nathan and Sam are leaving, and Jackson is being Jackson so I need a distraction. A lesbian bar sounds like a perfect one."

Arizona smiled broadly. "Okay. This is going to be great!" she said excitedly.

"Just don't abandon me completely while we're there," April said. "They might eat me alive if they find out I'm a church-going, Jesus-loving , soon-to-be-divorced and so very not gay pathetic woman."

"They won't. Don't worry," Arizona reassured her. "We are going to have a fantastic time!"

April mustered up a smile, trying but failing to match her friend's enthusiasm. She didn't want to go, but she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts either, so lesbian bar it was.


	18. Chapter 18

On the day of Nathan and Sam's flight, Jackson desperately kept himself busy. He knew their flight left early in the afternoon and he also knew that April would be taking them to the airport so she wouldn't get in until later that day. He tried convincing himself that the reason why he kept checking if April had already come to work was because he needed to ask her about one of the patients they performed a surgery on. In reality though, he simply wanted to see how she was doing.

He knew from experience – an experience courtesy of April – how much saying goodbye to the people you love could take its toll on a person. And he knew that someone like April would definitely get hit hard. He was already debating whether he should be there for her and console her or leave the consoling to Arizona.

"You okay?" Callie asked him suddenly.

Surprised, Jackson stuttered, "What? Uh, yeah. Why?"

"You have that weird look on your face, like you're constipated or something."

"I'm not constipated."

"You still have that weird look on your face."

"Torres, it's ten in ten in the morning. I didn't get much sleep last night and I have a busy day ahead," he said, exasperated.

"Boy, you really need to fix your marriage because you, my friend, have lost your cool," she told him.

Callie was never one to mince her words. She could see that his fight with April was hitting Jackson harder and harder. It was obvious to her that he still wanted to be with her, but at the same time, he also wanted to keep being mad at her. And while no one else understood where Jackson was coming from more than she did, she also couldn't understand why he wouldn't just settle things out with her once and for all.

* * *

At the airport, April stayed with Nathan and Sam until it was time for them to board their flight. As if he could tell that this was goodbye, Sam would only stop fussing if April cradled him.

"I'm going to miss you, little man," April told him. "I'll try to come visit you when I can, okay?"

They sat in silence for a while, Nathan and April, just taking in the comfort they brought to one another.

* * *

At first when they were still in the first stages of getting to know each other, April found the silence unnerving. She'd say something just for the heck of saying something and she'd make it even more awkward. One day, Nathan called her out on it.

"You like to talk a lot, don't you?" he asked her once when she started to babble on about the weather that particular day. The way he said it – casually and with a smile on his face – told her that he was simply teasing her and not insulting her like what Alex would always do.

"It's just I don't like awkward silences," she answered.

"I don't think it's awkward," he said. "Not until you start talking about the weather. We're in a dessert, April. The weather here is the same every single day."

"Then talk about something else. It's strange just sitting here and not talking to the only other person here."

"We're in a chapel! We're supposed to be quiet," he said laughing.

"I know, but we're not because we talk. But then you have these moments when you suddenly stop talking and I don't know how I'm supposed to react to that," she answered back.

Shaking his head, Nathan asked her, "Don't you have anybody you can just sit and enjoy the quiet with?"

"Yeah, I do," she replied, her mood suddenly somber. "I used to have that with Jackson, before the baby."

"I used to have that with Megan too, when I was still back home," he said to her. "So this awkward silence that you're speaking of, this is me missing my wife."

"Oh," was all April could say.

"You should try it some time. It's perfectly okay to miss your husband, you know, even if you're the one who left."

"Thanks a lot," she said, sarcastic.

"I'm serious," he told her. "You think you shouldn't be allowed to miss him or talk about him because you chose to leave him behind, but you can and you should. You love him so you're entitled to that."

She sighed. "But when I let myself go there, I won't be able to stop myself anymore and that's just a whole lot of pain I'm trying to avoid."

"It's perfectly okay to hurt too. It means you still give a damn," he said simply. "Being in this place we're in, seeing all the blood and broken bodies every single day, it's good to know that we can still give a damn about other things besides this"

* * *

"You think I should still give a damn?" April broke the silence.

Nathan, who knew exactly what she meant, paused to think. And then he answered, "I think regardless of what the answer is to that question, you will still give a damn."

"You're just a fountain of wisdom and knowledge, aren't you?" she teased.

Nathan chuckled. "I have been known to say some pretty deep and profound things."

"Funny, did you get that from Kanye or Jay-Z?"

"You laugh, April, but that hasn't stopped you from asking me for advice," he said to her with a wink.

"Yeah, well, now that you're leaving for Jordan, I won't be able to ask you for anything anymore," she replied.

"Hey, I thought we went over this already?" Nathan asked, suddenly worried that April was still holding a grudge for him leaving.

"Yeah, we did. And I was telling you the truth, I do understand," April said. "And you were right, this thing with Jackson… I can't keep running to you guys to make me all better whenever I feel bad. So this is a good thing. It sucks that I won't be able to see this little cutie anymore, but yeah, I'm fine. I give you permission to board that plane."

"If I could postpone my flight, I would. I still can't believe you're actually going to a lesbian bar tonight. I want to see how you'll react when someone hits on you," he said.

"Okay, first of all, I'm just the wingman. I'm not going there to look for someone so get that idea out of your head. Second of all, you actually think someone's going to flirt with me? You've been around me long enough to know that I'm basically unflirtable. And – " Suddenly, her eyes widened as panic set in. "Oh my God, Nathan, what do I do if someone actually does hit on me?"

Nathan laughed out loud. "Oh April, I would pay big money to see that."

April smacked him in the arm.

"Ow!" he yelped, as he rubbed the spot April just hit. "I thought you said you're unflirtable?"

"I know I said that but what if it happens, what do I do?"

Nathan shrugged. "You're on your own there, Kepner."

April smacked him again.

"Ow! Stop it, woman, you're going to break my arm," he said. "Just tell her you're taken."

She thought about it. "Yeah, yeah. I could say that."

" _American Airlines Flight 1372 bound for Cleveland, Ohio is now boarding. Please proceed to Gate 3."_

"That's us," Nathan said, after a while.

"Yup. That's you," April followed.

They both stood up. April kissed Sam on the cheek before handing him to his father. Before a tear could escape, she wiped it away. For a while they just stood there not saying anything. But instead of the comfort they usually felt in their moments of silence, this time they felt the ache of leaving family.

"Thank you, April," Nathan finally said. "For everything."

"Please be safe out there, okay?" she told him.

"Yeah, I will. I have to, right? How about you, are you going to be okay?" he asked, concern apparent in his voice.

"I'll be fine I'm a soldier, remember?"

Nathan shook his head. "No you're not," he told her. "You're April freakin' Kepner."

April smiled. Nathan raised his free arm as April went in and embraced him from the side.

"I'm going to miss you both," she said softly.

Nathan squeezed.

" _This is the final boarding call for passengers of American Airlines Flight 1372 bound for Cleveland, Ohio. Please proceed to Gate 3."_

"Alright, alright," Nathan muttered as April stepped back.

He gave her a wide grin. "Have fun tonight, April. But not too much fun, okay?"

"You're an ass," she said.

He laughed. But then before walking toward the gate, he turned serious. "Jackson does love you, April. He's just having a hard time showing it right now."

Seeing Nathan and Sam get ready to leave, she didn't want to talk about Jackson. "Don't worry about me. I'm April freakin' Kepner."

Nathan laughed again. "Goodbye, April."

"Bye, Nathan," she replied with a smile. "Bye, Sam."

And with that, Nathan turned around, handed his boarding pass to the flight attendant and entered the plane. April waited for the both of them to disappear into the gate before she also turned around to leave.


	19. Chapter 19

To April, she couldn't have shown up to work at a better time. The whole pit was flooded with victims of a factory building that burned down, and it was chaos everywhere. Not bothering to rush up to the attendings' lounge to change, April put on her surgical gown in a hurry and began to assess and manage the ER in a calm and efficient manner.

Jackson saw April walk through the ER doors, and he saw how she transitioned from being a civilian to a doctor in just a blink of an eye like the badass trauma surgeon that she is. He had to admit that it was a relief seeing her back at work. If there was anyone who could bring order to the ER, it was her. He also wanted to ask her how she was doing with Nathan and Sam leaving, but the woman lying in the gurney in front of him who was screaming in agonizing pain kept him from doing so.

For the rest of the afternoon, the doctors and surgeons of Grey-Sloan Memorial were busy treating and saving the burn patients. Neither Jackson nor April found the time to say as much as a hello to each other.

At the end of the day, when all or their patients were either admitted or released, Jackson was on his way home when he spotted April in the hospital lobby. Taking a deep breath, he approached her.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," greeted April. "Busy day huh?"

"Yeah, but we were able to save them all so I'm calling it a good day."

"Yes," she agreed, and then, after a short pause, added, "You did great today."

April meant it. Jackson definitely took charge, and he did so with so much confidence and skill, and April saw that. Seeing him lead like that made April's heart swell with pride.

"Thanks. You too. The ER is practically a mess without you."

That made April laugh. Hearing his wife laugh and knowing it was because of him, Jackson couldn't help but smile. Before realizing what he was about to do, Jackson opened his mouth to ask her if she wanted to have a drink with him at Joe's.

"Hey, you wanna –"

"April!" Arizona chirped, suddenly appearing beside April. "You ready for your first experience at a lesbian bar?"

At Jackson's confused and somewhat alarmed look, April hurriedly explained, "Wingman. She's… I'm her wingman tonight."

He nodded his head. "Oh."

But it didn't escape April's notice that he was about to ask her something when Arizona appeared. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Were you, uh, you were saying something?"

Jackson shook his head. "Oh, no. That was nothing."

Her shoulders dropped a second before it straightened again. She wasn't going to give up that easily. "Well, do you want to join us tonight? We could be her, uh, wingmen," she said, letting out an awkward giggle at that last word.

"Yeah, Jackson. You should come with us," Arizona said enthusiastically after April eyed her over.

Jackson smiled again although this time it didn't reach his eyes. "No, I think I'm done for today. Thanks for the offer though. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Have fun tonight." And with that, he walked away.

As she watched Jackson enter the elevator, all the optimism that April had that whole afternoon disappeared. Sensing her friend's mood change, Arizona put her arm around April's shoulder.

"There he goes again," muttered April.

"We are still going to have fun tonight," Arizona assured her

* * *

"So how does this work?" April asked as she took a sip of her margarita.

"It's just like picking up guys at any other bar, April. There's no secret lesbian code," Arizona rolled her eyes.

April laughed uncomfortably. "Right, just like any other."

Arizona's eyes widened. "Oh my God, you've never done this before, have you?"

"What?" April asked defensively.

"You've never picked up guys at a bar before," Arizona answered confidently. "How did you spend your Friday nights in college? Locked up in your room?"

"Uh, Bible study," she answered quietly and quickly. "Look, I was a 29-year-old virgin. What do you expect?"

"You're so cute," Arizona cooed.

It was April's turn to roll her eyes.

Soon after, to her surprise, a tall woman with straight blonde her and tattoos all over her arm sat next to her by the bar.

"Hey," the blonde greeted her. "I like your hair. It stands out in a crowd."

"Oh, uh, thanks," April replied, clearly uncomfortable with the attention she was getting.

"My name's Gina, what's yours?"

"April."

"Pretty name," Gina said seductively as she leaned in closer. "So, April, what do you do?"

"I, uh, I'm a uh," April stuttered, slowly panicking.

Leah put her hand on April's thigh. "Don't be nervous. I don't bite."

"I go to church," April blurted out. The moment the words came out of her mouth, she regretted them instantly. That wasn't what she wanted to say at all, but the blonde's hand on her thigh completely messed with her head.

The blonde's facial expression changed from sultry and flirtatious to pissed off in a matter of seconds.

"I also work as a trauma surgeon," April added hastily, trying to save face. But by then, the tattooed blonde had already walked away, muttering curses.

Arizona, who watched the whole thing, burst out laughing as soon as the other woman was out of earshot.

"I go to church? You are terrible at this!" she exclaimed.

April raised her eyebrow at her. "You think? God, I'm pathetic. I won't last the night."

"Just don't panic when someone tries to flirt with you," Arizona advised.

"What do I do then? I'm not going to entertain them if that's what you're getting at."

"No, no. That would be painful to watch," Arizona said to April's annoyance. "Just tell them you're taken and that you're only her to help a friend."

"Yeah, I guess I can do that," April said with renewed confidence.

After the blonde, a couple more women did hit on her, and while those didn't end badly like the first one, April was still petrified. They were all just so confident and daring, and it freaked her out that they were all interested in her.

"Are you thinking of switching to the other side?" Arizona asked her with a wink, after the fourth woman to approach April left.

April laughed. She was already on her fifth tequila shot, having been bought by the previous women, and she was drunk. "I would, but Jackson's eyes are still prettier. And he has abs, and that gorgeous smile."

"Well, at least you know that if Jackson doesn't work out, you're good and covered," Arizona said offhandedly.

April pouted, suddenly serious. "What iiif Jackson and I don't work out?" And then she began to cry.

Realizing her mistake, Arizona tried to salvage the situation. "You two will work it out," she said as she patted her friend's back. But that only made April cry even harder.

"Whoops," Arizona whispered to herself.

On the taxi ride home, Arizona invited her to go again the following night, and April was quick to say no. In a span of two hours, she went from being a woman who attracted attention with her good looks to a woman who attracted attention with her bawling and tears. The last thing she wanted was to go back and do it all over again.

But Arizona, who at first was only concerned with making her friend feel better, soon realized that other women began to take notice of how such a good friend she was being. So she came up with a perfect plan to deal with April's troubles and her own.

"Come on, April," she insisted. "It's trivia night tomorrow, so Webber will come with us. You like trivia, don't you?"

"Yeah," she answered, sniffing.

"So let's go. Webber had fun the last time, so I'm sure you'll have fun too."

April gave in, partly because she'd rather get hit on by women again than mope at home, and partly because she was curious about how the ex-Chief would behave in such a setting.

So the following night, the unlikely trio met up at the lesbian bar – Arizona flirting away the memories of her divorce, April drinking to the demise of her marriage, and Webber making sure both women didn't do anything too stupid.

* * *

On the third day since Nathan and Sam's departure, the ER was the busiest it had ever been, which April was kind of thankful for since it left her little time to be alone with her thoughts.

With Jackson's jam-packed surgery schedule in the last two days, April hadn't had the chance to talk to him at all. Nathan was right when he told her that she was using them as her comfort blanket, and she realized that them leaving could be a good thing for her marriage. She wanted to talk to Jackson, but she didn't know what was going on in his head. Did he want her to give him space again? Did he want her to approach him first? She had no idea. She didn't know where they stood in their marriage. And it still stung how easy it seemed for him to walk away from her.

Later in the afternoon, a woman came in looking distressed and in pain. Seeing that she was pregnant, April immediately gravitated toward her.

"Ma'am, what's your name?" April asked, taking the woman's hand and assisting her to the nearest vacant bed.

"Jenny," the woman answered. One hand was on her belly and the other was rubbing her temple.

"Okay, Jenny, can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I've been having this severe headache since I woke up this morning," she said. "It would come and go at first, but now it doesn't want to go away and I'm feeling faint."

"Did you fall or hit your head recently?"

"Uh, I hit my head on the kitchen table last night when I bent down to pick up my keys but it wasn't painful and there was no bruise or anything."

"Are you feeling nauseous or dizzy?" April asked, as she checked her vitals.

"No, just really bad headache."

"Okay Jenny, I'll have an intern take you for some tests and a CT scan so we can see what's going on, okay?"

"Okay, thanks," Jenny said.

Fifteen minutes later, April walked over to where Jenny was waiting for her test results.

"Hey Jenny, your results will be out in a while. Are you feeling any better?" April asked.

"Not really," Jenny answered. "I'm starting to think my brain has just had enough of me worrying about baby stuff."

"You'll be fine, I'm sure. How far along are you?"

"Seven months."

"Girl or boy?"

"Girl. She's our first," the soon-to-be mother said, as she caressed her belly.

"Congratulations," April told her, genuinely happy for her.

"Thank you. My husband and I have never been more terrified in our entire life. I mean, we're excited of course. But we can't help but feel like we're flying by the seat of our pants. Like, we're doing everything we can to be ready and prepared, but once the baby comes out, we'll realize how totally clueless we still are," Jenny said. After a short pause, she asked, "Do you have children?"

April hesitated a bit, needing to get her bearings. She cleared her throat. "I, uh… I did."

She didn't need to say anything more. Jenny took her hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry."

April smiled at her, appreciating the gesture. "It's okay. But anyway, you, you're going to be a great mom I can tell."

"Yeah, I hope so," Jenny said. "John, my husband, he's going to be a great dad too. He's so good with kids and my nieces and nephews love him."

"See? No need to stress yourself into having a migraine. God knows you'll be having a lot of that once the baby arrives," April told her playfully.

Jenny laughed.

Just then Cross, the intern, appeared, bringing the test results and scans. After telling Cross to page Amelia to look at the CT scan, April was just about to read through the test results when Jenny suddenly collapsed and started seizing. April yelled at the nurses to page Amelia 911 and, as a precaution, Arizona as well, as she and Owen, who rushed over, scrambled to treat her.

When they were finally able to bring the now unconscious woman to a trauma room, Owen noticed it first.

"Prep an OR stat!" he ordered Cross. "Her water just broke! Where the hell is Robbins?!"

"I'm here! I'm here!" Arizona said loudly, as she hurried over.

Amelia arrived not too long after. When she saw the results of the CT scan, a look of dread washed over her face.

"She has a subarachnoid hemorrhage," she stated, her voice alarmed. "We have to get her to an OR now!"

As they wheeled her to the OR, April squeezed her hand, similar to what Jenny did for her just moments ago.

"Hold on, Jenny," April begged her. She was about to scrub in and assist when an onset of car crash victims arrived in the ER and required her to go back there and help.

"Please keep her alive," April pleaded before returning to the ER.

Owen followed her but not before speaking to Arizona. He had observed the interaction between April and Jenny back in the ER. He knew what a bad outcome would do to April.

"Robbins –" he began.

"I know, Hunt," Arizona said before he could even finish. "I'll do my best."

Owen nodded and made his way back to the ER.

Turning to Amelia, Arizona said, "We can't lose either of them, Amelia. We just can't."

Amelia nodded as she scrubbed. She knew too.

"Page Karev. Now," Arizona ordered Cross.

Once in the ER, Amelia performed a craniotomy to try and locate the aneurysm as Jenny's pulse grew weaker and weaker. Arizona, who found out that the baby was in distress and wasn't getting enough oxygen, performed a C-section. When she got the baby out and it wasn't crying, nobody said a word. By then, Alex had arrived and he and Arizona worked desperately to save the baby while Amelia tried to keep the mother from crashing.

* * *

"Hey, any plans tonight?" Jackson asked Ben as they ate lunch in the cafeteria. "I'm thinking of going to Joe's after shift."

"You've been spending every night at Joe's since Nathan left," Ben said. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you're devastated to see your competition leave."

"Why does everyone keep insinuating that there's bad blood between Nathan and I? He's not my competition because we aren't in a freakin' contest," Jackson insisted. "And I go to Joe's to unwind and relax."

"Mmhmmm," Ben said, clearly not convinced. "You're telling me it has nothing to do with Kepner spending her nights at a lesbian bar with Robbins?"

"No, it doesn't," Jackson answered, a bit defensively. "She's handling it pretty well though, right? Nathan and Sam leaving."

"Well she isn't spending her nights drinking at a bar all by her lonesome so yeah, I think she is. Why, you surprised?"

Before Jackson could answer, Alex walked up to their table looking exhausted and pissed – the opposite of how he was before he left them when he got paged half an hour ago. He sat down beside them without saying a word. The two men waited for him to explain the change in his mood, but when he didn't offer them anything, Ben decided to speak up.

"Hey, man. You alright?"

"You look like crap," added Jackson.

"Oh yeah, I'm crapping rainbows here. What does it look like?" Alex snapped.

His reaction stunned Jackson and Ben into silence. And for a while the three of them just sat there, Jackson and Ben picking at their food and Alex just staring at his blankly.

After a couple of minutes, Alex took in a deep breath and exhaled.

"You might want to check on your wife," Alex muttered, looking at Jackson.

"What?" Jackson asked, suddenly confused. "What does April have anything to do with…whatever it is you're being right now?"

"Just check on your wife," Alex said loudly, losing his patience as he rose up from the table and left.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd," Jackson called out to Amelia as he approached. "Have you seen April?"

After Alex left them, Jackson rushed to the ER to see what he was talking about. When he got there, he asked Cross where April was and when the intern told him he didn't know, Jackson asked what had happened. After Cross finished telling him, Jackson felt a pit in his stomach. He went around looking for April everywhere, growing more and more worried as minutes ticked by, but he couldn't find her.

Amelia shook her head. "Last time I saw her was when I told her the mother didn't make it," she said quietly. "She hadn't known about the baby yet."

Suddenly remembering, Jackson rushed to the chapel, expecting to see April sitting on one of the pews. He had forgotten to look there in his hurry earlier. But when he pushed the chapel doors, he saw no one there. Beginning to panic, he decided to go to the peds floor to ask Arizona. He wasn't sure if she'd be willing to tell him if she knew where April was, but he was determined to make her.

"Arizona," Jackson said, as he walked toward her. "Where's April?"

Arizona was visibly sad as she turned around to look at him. "She's over there," she said, deflated, pointing to the small room just outside the NICU. Jackson knew that room rather well.

* * *

"I don't know why this one is hitting me so hard,"April whispered as she struggled to keep herself together. "It's not supposed to happen this way. It's not right. I can't tell him, I can't tell him. I… I can't make him feel worse just 'cause I feel bad."

April had just lost her patient, a woman who had just given birth that same day. Her husband, her high school sweetheart, was in the NICU just outside the small room with their child.

"I'll do it,"Jackson offered.

"No, no,"April said. "I'll do it. I can do it. I just, I need a minute."

"Alright," replied Jackson, as he watched April's face crumble into tears.

* * *

He had comforted her then, held her as she cried over the tragedy and the unfairness of two people who were meant to be being broken apart so cruelly. He realized that the present circumstance didn't differ that much from then, except that this time, they lost both the mother and the baby.

Slowly, he walked to the room where his wife was silently falling apart. When he entered, he saw her sitting on the same spot she had before. She didn't even bother to look up to see who walked in. She was just sitting there, staring blankly at her hands on her lap.

He took a step toward her, hoping to get a reaction from her. But there was none. Quietly, he sat on the empty space beside his wife.

"April," he said softly.


	20. Chapter 20

The sound of Jackson's voice broke into the already fragile wall of indifference she tried desperately to surround herself with. The death of Samuel, her failing marriage to Jackson, Nathan and Sam leaving and now a mother and her baby girl dying all because she hit her head on a kitchen counter – April had never felt so betrayed and hated by the world.

" _I feel like God is laughing at me!"_ she'd told Jackson before.

And now that same thought echoed in her head over and over again. She covered her face with her hands and began to sob.

"Shhh," Jackson soothed, putting his arm around her shaking shoulders and pulling her closer to him.

When she got close enough, April buried her face in his chest as he engulfed her in a tight embrace. At that moment, nothing, no one, could have been able to make him let go of her. The whole hospital could've been on fire or a gun could've been trained between his eyes and he wouldn't notice. Every inch of his being was focused on one thing and one thing only – his wife.

The last time he held her like this, like he was the only one that was keeping her from breaking into a million little pieces, was when they found out their baby wasn't going to make it. And now, as they sat in the empty room with no one but April's muffled sobs, they both felt the pain of losing Samuel washing over them like it had just happened a moment ago.

With one hand stroking her hair and the other planted on the small of her back, Jackson desperately tried to bring any sort of comfort and solace to April. He knew though, that if she was reliving their son's death like he was, there was very little chance of him succeeding.

"I'm here," he told her gently, trying to soothe her. "Whatever you need, I'm here."

Maybe it was the way he held her or maybe it was the words he said that reminded her of a very painful and vivid memory of hers, but April, for the first time ever since she got back, saw clearly where she and Jackson once were in the past and where they were at that moment.

Slowly but firmly, she put both her hands on his chest and gently pushed herself away from her husband.

"I can't do this, Jackson," she whispered. "I'll be fine. You should go."

"What can't you do?" Jackson asked, baffled by how she pulled away from him so unexpectedly. "And you're not fine, April. I'm not leaving you like this."

April inhaled deeply. "I mean, I can't do this anymore," she said, motioning between the two of them, as she stood up. "Whatever this is… I can't."

Jackson only stared at her as he stood up as well, his face full of confusion.

"You're here right now and I love this. I'm loving every single second of this. Do you know how long I've been wishing for you to hold me?" she cried.

He just stood there motionless. Seeing her cry, he wanted to pull her into his arms again, but he knew that wasn't welcomed anymore.

"But you're only here right now because I'm hurting. And I know… I just know that you're going to walk away from me again when this is all over, and I can't… I won't be able to handle that. So you should just go right now, before I get in too deep. Please, Jackson," April pleaded.

"I'm not going to walk away, April," Jackson said. "Just because we're having problems with our marriage doesn't mean I'm going to just stand by while you're hurting like this. I'm still your best friend."

"Jackson, you should know by now that we can't ever be just friends anymore," she argued weakly. "Maybe you can set aside your feelings, but I can't. Every time you say a word to me, I can't help but hope that you're going to tell me to come back home. Every time you put a hand on my arm, all I want is for you to hold me and kiss me. It's driving me crazy."

"What do you want me to do, April?" Jackson asked. "I'm just as confused as you are. All I want is to figure out our relationship."

"Figure out our relationship," April repeated with a sarcastic chuckle. "That's the thing, Jackson. To me, there's nothing to figure out. I love you and I made a vow to you. My heart and my soul are in our marriage and there's nothing that can change that."

"Something did change it, April," Jackson answered, his voice gradually rising. "You changed it when you left, when I told you that I needed you to stay and you left."

"I'm sorry," April said, her expression so earnest. "I'm so so sorry for leaving you, Jackson. But please don't act like I did it to hurt you."

"That's what you did though. You didn't have to want to hurt me, you just did and you did it knowingly too. You didn't even ask how I was doing. In all the months you spent out there, not once did you ask if I was okay or not."

"I never asked how you were… because I didn't want to know," she said, ashamed. "If I knew you weren't okay, if you told me you needed me to come back, I would have. I would've come back… but I would've hated myself for doing it."

Jackson was stunned. "Wow, that bad huh? Being here? Being with me?"

"Jackson, no, that's not fair. It's not like that at all. That's not what I mean," she begged. "I just –"

"How am I supposed to take that, April? Huh? How am I supposed to deal with that?"

"I just… I just wish you can try to understand why I went away," she said. She was starting to get frustrated.

"Why you _chose_ to go away, April. You chose it," he countered, unable to control his own hurt and anger any longer. "So why did you? Because it was your freaking calling? Because you felt like you were called – to leave your husband _again?_ You better have another reason and a damn good one because that's not good enough."

"Because I couldn't take it here any longer! That's why!" April shouted at him, with tears streaming down her face. "Is that, is that good enough for you? Every single day after Samuel died was hell for me. This place, this hospital – this was where we found out that our baby was going to die. This is where he died! Every second in this hospital reminded me of him and I just… I just needed to get out."

A pause settled in between them. April was sniffing, trying but failing to regain her composure, as Jackson stood there with an unreadable expression.

After a while, Jackson broke the silence. "Even when getting out meant leaving me," he said evenly. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," April answered him, meeting his eyes, "Even when getting out meant leaving you."

Jackson looked at her, his eyes boring into hers. Slowly, he said, "You can't expect me to look past that part, April. You can't just ask me to forget about that."

"I don't expect you to, and I'm not asking you to either, Jackson," she responded, her voice wavering. "I know what's done is done. I'm not forcing you to forgive me. I'm not forcing you to forget about it. I just… I just want to be given a chance to make up for it."

Jackson crossed his arms in his chest. "So you're forcing me to let yourself feel better about leaving, you're forcing me to let you make up for something you did."

"Yes!" April screamed at him, suddenly angry. "Because you're supposed to! That's what marriage is, Jackson! It's not about punishing your wife when she makes a mistake!"

"That wasn't a mistake, April! That was a choice. No one forced you to leave, no one told you to go halfway across the damn world. No, that was all you. That was a choice – a choice you made," Jackson said, pointing his finger straight at her. "A choice to hurt me."

April stared at him, her eyes wide. She looked to the floor as she wiped the tears on her face before looking back at Jackson. "You're choosing to hurt me too."

"Wha –"

"You throw the word divorce at my face and then you kiss me and then you ignore me. You come here to comfort me and make me feel better, and now you're… you're attacking me like this," she went on, not giving him a chance to put a word in. "You're choosing to hurt me too by keeping me hanging here, by treating me like a toy you leave around and only come back to when you need something to play with."

For once, Jackson was stunned by what she said. He couldn't think of anything to say. He just stood there with his mouth half open.

"So what makes you any different?" she accused him.

Jackson had no words. He was still processing what he'd just heard. Hearing April say that he was treating her like a toy felt like a dagger to his chest. Was that really what he was doing? Was he deliberately hurting her?

When she realized that she wasn't going to get an answer, April sighed. Tears began to pool in her eyes again.

She spoke again, her voice down to a pained whisper. "Well, Jackson, you've succeeded. Consider us even."

April moved toward the door that was behind him. Jackson wanted to grab her arm to keep her from leaving, but he couldn't. Her words froze him.

Taking hold of the doorknob, April turned around to look at her husband again.

"Jackson."

Jackson turned around and faced her. He saw in April's eyes a depth of sadness he'd never seen before – the same kind April saw in his eyes at that exact moment too.

"We're not getting anywhere, are we?" she asked.

He could see how utterly defeated she looked. The fire and determination she once had were completely gone. There wasn't any trace of it.

Before he could say something, anything, that would make her stay longer, she sighed, opened the door and left.


	21. Chapter 21

"Dude, I told you to check on April, not drive her away," Alex hissed at Jackson an hour later.

After April left, Jackson didn't have time to dwell on what had just happened. He got paged 911 and had to perform surgery on one of his patients whose condition suddenly plummeted.

When he got out of the OR, Alex happened to be walking by and stopped him.

"She left? Did she talk to you?" Jackson asked.

"No, she hasn't spoken to anyone except Hunt to tell him she was taking the rest of the afternoon off. Even Robbins couldn't get a word out of her," Alex answered. "And with the way she looked when she left you in the room earlier, it doesn't take a genius to figure out she came out of there looking a lot worse than when she went in."

"Look, I really don't want to get into this right now. Can you just please give me a break?" Jackson said.

Alex noticed how tired and worn down he looked, and felt sympathy toward him. He realized that Jackson came out of that room feeling just as bad as April did.

"Yeah, okay," he said considerately. "But if you see Robbins, I suggest you walk the opposite way. Or run. Or, you know, hide."

Jackson gave him a fed up look.

"I'm serious, man," Alex said. "Believe it or not, I'm looking out for you."

Jackson sighed. "You have any idea where she went?"

"Robbins?"

"No, April."

Alex shrugged his shoulders. "All she told Hunt was that she needed to take a break, and he was more than willing to give it to her without asking any questions."

Both men walked on in silence until Alex left to make his final rounds before the end of his shift. Jackson continued walking, not really knowing where to go.

Jackson spent the rest of his afternoon doing consults, performing his surgeries and dodging Arizona. It turned out Alex wasn't kidding about her at all. Earlier, he was in the elevator, waiting for the doors to close, when he heard Arizona's voice.

"Avery!" she shouted at him from the end of the hall as she rushed toward the elevator. "What the hell did you –"

He breathed a sigh of relief when the doors closed shut before Arizona could get to him. For a moment there, he wished Nathan were here instead of the feisty blonde. He was more afraid of her than of the army guy. Since then, he would peek around the hall first before walking ahead. The last thing he wanted to happen was a confrontation with his wife's friend, and to have the whole hospital know that he made April cry after she had already lost a patient.

Throughout the rest of his day, Jackson kept himself busy. But that didn't mean his mind didn't keep wandering off to April. Once, he went to the ER to see if she actually left, hoping she might've returned.

When he finally admitted to himself that it was useless to expect her to be there, his sullen mood gave way to a muted, almost sizzling anger. He had trouble responding to April's accusations earlier when she was right there in front of him, but now that she was gone, he felt he got cheated out of the chance to defend himself.

Of course, he wasn't intentionally hurting her. How could she even think that? Ever since she got back from Jordan, all he tried to do was tend to his own hurt and his own frustrations while making it as painless for April as possible. He was still looking out for her. He balled his fists up as he kept replaying their confrontation in his head. Saying those things to him was unfair, and he wanted to make sure April knew it.

* * *

When he got home that night, all he wanted to do was to take a hot shower and go to bed. But as soon as he walked through the door and took in the sight before him, he let out a sigh of exasperation. His sink was filled to the brim of dirty dishes. There were empty cartons of takeout on the counter, clothes were everywhere from the floor to the couch to the chair. When he opened the fridge, a foul smell immediately escaped. The last time he lived in a place like this was with Charles, his best friend from Mercy West. It was like living in a bachelor's pad.

Since April moved out a little over a month ago, he never cleaned up his place and the leftovers were left uneaten. They were always April's thing; she couldn't stand it when the apartment got messy and she would rather eat leftovers than buy food. Now, assessing the damage for the first time, he realized he couldn't put off cleaning any longer.

He was in the middle of picking up the dirty laundry off the floor when he heard a soft knock. Putting down the laundry basket, he went to open the door, all the while thinking who his visitor could be and hoping it wasn't Arizona plotting to murder him. When he finally saw who it was, all thoughts ceased.

April was standing in the hall looking smaller and more unsure of herself than he'd ever seen her before, and the anger he felt an hour ago disappeared. All that was left was a burning desire to take her into his arms and bury his face in the crook of her neck. Deep down, he was aware of how crazy his sudden mood switch was and that only she could reduce him to a conflicting heap of emotions.

"Hi," April said softly.

"Hey," he replied, just as softly.

"I just…" she faltered, not knowing how to go on.

"Come inside," he said gently, as he opened the door wider to let her in.

* * *

They were both sitting on the opposite ends of the couch. They'd been sitting for a couple of minutes with neither saying anything until Jackson couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, remembering that they not only had a fight earlier that day but that she'd lost a patient as well. To him, it felt like their exchange in the peds room happened ages ago.

"Okay," she answered.

He merely nodded his head in response. He didn't know what else to say. He wanted to ask her why she came, but he was afraid that asking that question might lead to her leaving.

"Actually, no" April spoke up, "I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since Samuel... I haven't been okay since I left…home." She gestured to the apartment.

"April –"

"I know I hurt you by leaving, and I left knowing that you'd get hurt. And I'm sorry."

"April, I –"

April held up her hand. "Please, let me finish."

"You don't trust me to stay anymore, and I can't blame you for that. I wish I can say that I would take it all back if I could, but… I'd be lying if I said that. I can't apologize for choosing to go, Jackson. I can only apologize for hurting you in the process. I know that no matter how many times I say I'm sorry and no matter what I do, I can't ever make it up to you because that's not what you want from me. You want me to regret going there, you want me to say that I shouldn't have left… but I can't give you that."

She began to cry as Jackson looked at her silently. Since Samuel's death, he'd always felt that she hadn't been entirely honest with her feelings. He could tell there were times when she only pretended to be happy, but whenever he asked her, she just brushed it off. Even when he saw her off at the airport on her first tour overseas, she told him it was for surgical experience, but he knew it really wasn't.

At that moment, as he stared at her as she cried, he realized it was the first time that April was completely open to him about her feelings since the death of their son. He didn't know what to feel about what she just said, but he did know that what she said was true – he wanted her to admit that she made a mistake, that she shouldn't have left. But there was nothing for her to admit because she didn't see it as a mistake. All he wanted that past year was her honesty. Now that he finally got it, he didn't know what to do with it.

So where were they supposed to go from there?

April covered her face with her hands. "I can give you something else you want though," she whispered. She dropped her hands to look at her husband, her red, swollen eyes looking deep into his green ones. "I'm going to meet with my lawyer tomorrow, the one who took care of the prenup papers your mother sent."

Jackson blinked, confusion mixed with dread began to creep on him. "You… your lawyer? For what?"

"I said I was going to fight. I said I was going to fight until I'm bloody for us," she said in between tears. Putting her hands over her heart, she said, "I'm already bloody, Jackson. I… I'm neck deep in my own blood. There's nothing left in me anymore."

Jackson moved to sit beside her and laid a hand on her knee. "April, what are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying I'm waving the white flag," she told him, her lips quivering. "You haven't mentioned it to me anymore since the night I moved out, but people at work talk and word gets around. You know what some of them say? They say it serves me right for leaving Matthew at the altar, and how perfect it is that the guy who wants to leave me is the same guy I left him for."

Realizing what she had just said, Jackson's eyes grew wide in alarm. How could anyone be so cruel and mean? And to April of all people. He wanted to say something, anything, to stop her train of thought, to keep her from saying anything further. But April continued to speak.

"But I know you, Jackson. I know the only thing keeping you from going through with it is because you don't want to hurt me," she sighed, her voice sounding pained and tired. "So tomorrow I'll meet with the lawyer to…" she stopped. She couldn't bring herself to say it. Maybe he changed his mind, she thought. She needed to be certain. "I mean, it's what you want right?"

Jackson was shocked. He expected her to consider divorce. But not in a million years would he expect her to actually go through with it, and so quickly too. He knew he was the one who said it first and that he mentioned it a few times to Ben and Callie, but somewhere deep inside him, he knew that actually going through with it was another thing altogether.

His mind began to race. First, she left him twice to go overseas and now she was entertaining the idea of leaving him for good? Gradually, he felt anger rise inside him.

"What I want? What I want?" he repeated, his voice getting louder. "Why, April? Why now? Last year I told you what I wanted. I told you I wanted you to stay, but you just threw that out the window. So why are you so concerned with what I want all of a sudden? And what makes you so damn sure that's what I want?"

"You told me, Jackson," she argued. "And from what I heard you said it to someone else too. Now, I'm the bad guy? You don't get to do that to me, not when I'm trying so hard to set aside what I want for you."

"Oh, so I'm being selfish now, is that it?" Jackson countered. "I let you go to Jordan –"

"You _let_ me?" she cut him off. "The first time I went you told me straight up you didn't want me to go. The second time, you backed me into a corner and forced me to choose between you and –"

"And what did you choose, April? You didn't choose me. You didn't choose our marriage. You chose yourself. That's what _you_ wanted, and now you're doing what you want all over again."

"Fine, what do you want, Jackson? Because I honestly don't know. You don't tell me anything! I wanted us to talk about our problems but you would never stay in the same room with me long enough to actually have a decent conversation. I tried fighting for our marriage but you wanted to kick me out. I moved out of our home, but that doesn't seem to be making you any less angry with me. Now, I bring up divorce, which is something _you_ came up with, and then you scream at me. So what do you want, Jackson? What do you freakin' want?"

"I want some damn sleep! That's what I want!" Jackson shouted as he let his exhaustion and frustration completely take over him.

April looked at him, her expression troublingly indifferent. There was no trace of pain or anger, just blank eyes and a slightly open mouth.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up from the couch, grabbed her bag and walked quietly to the front door. Jackson watched her. The fact that it was the second time he watched April leave his home without knowing when or if she would ever come back didn't escape him.

"Goodnight, Jackson," she said as she opened the door. This time, she didn't bother turning around to face him before leaving.

When the door finally closed, Jackson stormed to the bedroom and slammed the door shut.


	22. Chapter 22

The following day, Jackson pushed open the doors to the ER after being paged to go there. But truth be told, he didn't need to get paged. He was already on his way to the pit, intending on talking to April. He hated how their conversation ended last night. He hated even more that he was the one who ended it.

Half an hour after she left, Jackson remained seated on the edge of his bed, completely still. He cursed himself for losing his temper. Normally, he was a guy who was able to keep his cool, but with April, he simply couldn't.

" _She's the one,"_ Jackson had told his mother. She was the one in so many ways – the one who made him want to settle down and get married, the one who could always make him believe in himself, the one who inspired and encouraged him in whatever circumstance, the one who could drive him crazy in just a blink of an eye no matter how much he tried to remain composed.

He spent the rest of the night thinking about what April told him. She was considering divorce. He was the first one to throw the word out, but he still felt hurt and somewhat betrayed when she brought it up. She wasn't supposed to give up. She was supposed to fight until…

"Until what?" he asked himself. And he continued to ask that question until sleep finally took over him.

* * *

That morning, he woke up with a realization. If April was going to push through with what she said, she'd be signing divorce papers by the end of that day. And that thought terrified him to his very core. So he rushed to the hospital. He wanted to talk to her again. Heck, he'd rather have a shouting match with her again if it meant keeping her from meeting with her lawyer. He wanted to tell her to wait, that their marriage shouldn't end this way, that maybe it shouldn't end at all.

He was still mad at her and he still couldn't accept her reasons for leaving. But that didn't mean he wanted her completely out of his life. Amidst the anger and hurt he felt, he could still vividly feel the tremendous amount of love he had for her… and her for him.

Last night, he could see, he could feel, that April still loved him, which was why it took him by surprise when she finally told him she planned on meeting with her lawyer. After that, well, after that all he could see was red.

Jackson scanned the room for the familiar red hair, but he couldn't find her.

"Where is Dr. Kepner?" he asked one of the ER nurses.

"Oh, um, uh…" the nurse stammered. It didn't take a genius to see that the ER was April's territory and that the people she worked with daily all loved her… and probably hated him.

"Nurse," he said firmly. "Where is Dr. Kepner?"

The nurse looked at him, accusation in her eyes. "Dr. Kepner called in sick today," she said before walking off.

Just then, Owen approached him, unaware of the inner turmoil he was having. "Avery, I need you in the pit today. We're short of hands, and you're the only one who doesn't have a surgery scheduled for the rest of the day."

Jackson stared at him with impassive eyes. At that moment, it clicked on him that the man standing in front of him was the one who encouraged April to go overseas in the first place. And now Owen was ordering him to work in the pit because he let her take a day off knowing perfectly well that April was not sick, maybe even knowing that she was out signing their divorce papers as they spoke.

"What is your deal, Hunt?" Jackson asked, his voice low and seething.

Owen didn't understand the sudden hostility. "Excuse me? I…don't understand."

"Of course you don't," Jackson spat.

"Do we have a problem, Dr. Avery?" Owen asked, all civility in his voice gone.

"You," Jackson said, pointing a finger directly at Owen's face, "You're my problem."

It only took a second for Owen to realize that the reason for Jackson's abrupt rudeness had nothing to do with his request and everything to do with his fellow trauma surgeon and friend.

When April asked him if she could take the rest of her shift yesterday and the whole day that day off, he readily said yes because he knew the death of her patient and the patient's baby had practically broke her in half. He and April had never really talked that much about their personal lives, but he didn't need to ask her to know that she still carried the weight of Samuel's death with her. He too had carried death with him. And what happened with her patient yesterday was bound to cause that weight to crush her.

It didn't occur to him, however, that maybe April had an exchange with Jackson. Seeing Jackson and the state he was in now, it dawned on him that the estranged couple might have finally talked, and that it might not have gone well for either of them. And that now he was receiving the brunt of it.

"Okay, why don't we discuss this in private," Owen said calmly as he opened the door to the empty exam room nearest to them.

Without saying a word, Jackson went inside, and Owen followed. Upon closing the door, Owen expected the other man to just blow up, maybe even get physical with him, although he still had yet to figure out exactly why Jackson bluntly told him that he was his problem.

But when Jackson just stood there with his back to him, clenching and unclenching his fists, Owen decided to be the first one to break the silence.

"What's going on in your head, Avery?" Owen asked cautiously.

Without warning, Jackson spun around and, in a condemning voice, answered him with a question of his own, "You know this whole thing started when you lured her into going to Jordan with you, right?"

Owen was shocked. Did he really just put the blame of their troubled marriage on him? Raising his arms up defensively, he said, "Woah, stop right there. I didn't lure her into anything. She was the one who brought it up. I never told her to come with me."

"You never told her to stay either," he snapped. "She was obviously still hurting over Samuel. She was trying not to show it, but you were her mentor, you were with her all the time. You should've seen right through her. Or were you too blind to realize that she was using Jordan as an escape?"

"Of course I knew she was in pain," Owen answered indignantly. "Which is exactly why when she told me she wanted to come, I didn't bother talking her out of it – because she needed it. She needed it to heal."

"She needed to heal with her husband!" he shouted angrily, surprising both Owen and himself with the tone of his voice. After a while, he was able to calm himself down. "And, you know what, her husband needed to heal with her."

Owen looked at him with regretful eyes. "It was her decision to make, Avery. Not mine, not yours. Hers."

"You say it's her decision, but you planted that thought in her head."

Owen sighed. Having been married to Christina, he knew what it was like to want so badly to help the person you love only for that person to keep pushing you away.

"Look, Avery, I know how you feel. Trust me, I know." Owen said as gently as he could as he spoke from experience. "If I honestly believed that going to Jordan wouldn't be good for her, I wouldn't have let her go."

"It's easy to say that when the person you're letting go isn't your wife," Jackson replied. He had regained his cool exterior, but Owen could tell he was still angry.

"Jackson, I did let go of my wife," Owen said, his voice cracking a bit. He still couldn't talk about Christina without feeling an ache in his chest. "The only difference is she never came back to me. Yours did."

Jackson realized that Owen was speaking sincerely, that the things he said, at least about Christina, were true. And though he still held a grudge toward the man, Jackson felt bad about bringing up his ex-wife. He threw his arms up in exasperation. On top of feeling frustrated, hurt and angry, he now felt guilty for dragging Owen's failed marriage into the conversation.

"I just…" he muttered. "I really do want to understand why she did what she did, you know? But I can't. And I don't think we can ever get past this. I don't think our marriage will ever get past this."

Owen smiled faintly. He recalled one of the conversations he had with April in the OR.

* * *

He had heard that April had been staying with Callie and Arizona, but Owen never got the chance to ask her about it because he was busy figuring out his relationship with Christina. While they were operating on a man who was on the verge of successfully walking across the country when a pickup truck ran him over, April began to ramble on about the unfairness of what happened to their patient. For a moment there, Owen looked at her like she was being her typical empathetic, overly caring and somewhat eccentric self, until she suddenly burst out crying.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked her gently.

"I'm sorry," she said through tears. "I just feel like this fight with Jackson is like _the_ fight, and I… I don't know how we recover from it."

Owen nodded. He understood where she was coming from. He and Christina had way too many of those, and in a way he accepted that, but he always thought that Jackson and April weren't like them. They were easier, they just seemed to fit naturally. It might've taken years for them to actually be together and their marriage started in a controversial way to say the least, but their relationship had deep roots and they treasured each other more than their own ambitions and beliefs.

"Listen," he told her. "Some fights you just can't get past, you know? Like me and Christina, it was about kids. You and Avery, this is your first fight. You will get past this. And then something else will come along, and you'll fight about that too. And you guys will recover… every time. This is not your pickup truck."

* * *

"You find that funny?" Jackson scowled. He saw the smile on Owen's face and he was livid.

Owen shook his head, embarrassed. "No, no. I'm sorry. I know what it must've looked like. It's not that."

"Then what was it?"

Owen looked him straight in the eye. "I was smiling," he began, "because you remind me of April. When you two had that big fight and she moved in with Torres and Robbins for a while, she was afraid that you guys wouldn't recover from it. But you did."

Jackson opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't think of anything to say. He remembered that fight clearly – they were fighting about how they would raise their children, how they would raise Samuel. And now his mind was dwelling on the fact that they never got to raise him, they never got to argue about it again because there was no child to raise.

Breaking into his thoughts, Owen cleared his throat and said, "Maybe you should talk to Amelia. She might be able to help you understand April better."

Jackson was confused. The last person he thought he could talk about his personal life with was Amelia. They weren't really close, and their conversations had never been about their personal life. "Shepherd? Why?"

Owen hesitated. It wasn't his story to tell. All of a sudden, their pagers went off simultaneously. There was incoming trauma and all hands were needed on deck. "Just talk to her," he said quickly, as he and Jackson left the room and made their way to the ER bay.

* * *

Jackson had just pushed open the hospital doors on his way to his car when he saw Amelia walking toward him. She was on her way to work the night shift.

"Hey, you heading out?" Amelia asked him as she got closer.

"Yeah," Jackson answered. Owen had told him earlier that day to talk to Amelia, but he still didn't know why. He didn't know if he should go through with it or not.

"Alright, have a good night," she said, passing him.

"Shepherd, wait," he called out. He still had his reservations about talking to her about his marriage, but he was also desperate.

Amelia turned. "Yeah, what's up?"

Jackson shuffled his feet. "Owen told me I should talk to you."

"About what?" she asked, curious.

He looked down at his feet, and then looked around him. This was going to be awkward. "Uh, about my marriage," he said finally. "About April."

A look of understanding crossed Amelia's face. She was never close to Jackson and April, but she understood, perhaps more than anyone else did, what they, April especially, had to go through when they lost Samuel.

She motioned for them to sit on the bench by the hospital doors. When they did, she let out a big exhale. She never liked talking about her past.

"My baby was anencephalic. "

Jackson was taken aback. He never knew that Amelia had a baby – a baby that was born without a brain. No one did, he figured, except Owen.

She continued, "You know, you'd think that since we're doctors, we see everything black and white. I knew I didn't do anything to cause it. I ate well, kept my body healthy. I didn't drink. I was clean. I knew in my head there was nothing I could've done that would save my baby."

"But that didn't stop me from torturing myself for losing him. I'd alternate between wanting to make the pain disappear and wanting to drown myself in it. But regardless of which one, the feeling is always there – the feeling of becoming a mother and the feeling of it being taken away from you. That's… that never goes away."

Taking a deep breath, she continued. "Your baby had Type II Osteogenesis Imperfecta. He was dying a very slow and painful death inside of her, where he was supposed to be safe. Losing a baby that way… it's losing..." Amelia paused, struggling to find her words.

Jackson nodded, remembering a conversation he had with Arizona while April was on her first tour. "It's losing a leg."

Amelia looked at him, her brows furrowed in thought. "No," she finally said. "It's losing everything else, and your leg's the only part of you left."

Her words washed over Jackson as he slowly took them in.

"She never told me anything," he said, softly. "Why wouldn't she tell me what she was feeling?"

Amelia looked at him sadly. "That's something she had to deal with alone. As much as it's painful to hear, nothing you could've said or done would change what she was feeling. I'm not saying that's why she left," she said. "I'm saying that kind of pain, that kind of suffering – it consumes people until there's nothing left of them. Maybe her choice to leave might not have had anything to do with leaving you, but everything to do with saving herself."

"So she just left me," Jackson said as he stared vacantly ahead.

"Jackson," Amelia said gently to get his attention. When their eyes met, she held his hand and squeezed. "Sometimes people have to leave you in order to come back to you. Trust me on that."


	23. Chapter 23

Alex stood on the porch of Arizona's house, mentally cursing himself for being there. His shift ended half an hour ago. He could've been in his own apartment by then, watching a football game with nothing but his boxers on. Instead, he found himself standing in front of Arizona's front door.

Before he left the hospital that afternoon, Arizona pulled him aside and wouldn't let him leave until he promised to drive by her house to check on April. When Arizona woke up that morning, she discovered that April's room was empty and that her car was gone too. Either she left really early or she never made it back last night at all. Throughout the whole day, she kept calling her phone, but it kept going to voicemail. To say Arizona was worried was an understatement. She saw April as her soul sister even if she was fully aware of how ironic it seemed. And one of the things they had in common was how overprotective they could be of the people they loved.

So when April sent her a text, telling her not to worry and that she was back at her place, she ordered Alex to pass by the house to see how her friend was doing. When Alex grunted in agreement, Arizona arched her eyebrows. "Seriously? That's it? I thought I'd have to do more convincing. I prepared a whole speech."

"Yeah? Well, save it," he retorted.

"You continue to surprise me, Karev," Arizona smiled brightly.

Alex Karev inhaled deeply before ringing the doorbell. He didn't tell anyone about this, but the thought of paying April a visit was already in his mind even before Arizona approached him. He didn't want to check on her, but he also kind of wanted to. And it wasn't just because Nathan asked him to look out for her.

He and April never hit it off like he did with Meredith and Christina. She was too emotional and uptight for his liking. But they had their moments. Sure, he found her annoying most of the time and he enjoyed annoying her in return, but Alex was the kind of person who never forgot the people who were good to him. And April was one of those people.

* * *

It happened years ago, but he still remembered it clearly. He'd been an ass to her that entire day because she beat him to become chief resident. The fact that Owen had told him that he would've gotten the job had he not ratted out Meredith made him annoyed with April even more. She was basically his superior, and he loved nothing more than being an ass to his superiors. Well, he was an ass to her all the time, but he was even more so that day.

He manipulated her into dropping her own surgery to assist him with his bowel resection procedure. She wasn't happy about it, but when Richard Webber had his eyes set on hers, she knew well enough to shove her happiness aside.

Hours leading up to the surgery, he began to doubt his own abilities. He didn't exactly have the best record of good outcomes among his colleagues, and it didn't help that he was reminded of that hours earlier. Moments before the operation, he finally let his nerves get the best of him when he lashed out at April. And she saw right through that.

"You're really nervous," she told him as they were scrubbing in. "You'll be fine. You're ready."

She was right. He was ready. But no amount of readiness was enough to save his patient. And no amount of readiness was enough to ease the feeling of failure that crept into his head as he watched his patient's son in the waiting room. He was about to walk in and tell the young man that he wasn't able to save his father when April appeared beside him.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" she asked. There was no arrogance in her voice, just concern.

"No."

"You did everything you could. You really did," she said gently. "He won't be able to understand that, but I do. And you should too."

It wasn't the first time she offered him words of comfort at a time when he needed it most.

" _You're so… what you did today was so great. You know, you don't deserve this. I just, I wanted you to know that somebody knows that… that I know that,"_ she told him once when Stark stole his idea for saving a patient.

That night, as the five attendings discussed the outcome of their procedures and the loser of their bet, Jackson singled him out for his unsuccessful surgery. Alex knew he was going to hear crap from Jackson and Christina, but what he didn't see coming was April coming to his defense. What surprised him even more was that she came to his defense at the expense of Jackson of all people. Not once did he ever think that April would side with him over her then best friend.

And when they shared a look afterward, her expression held no trace of smugness or self-satisfaction there. She didn't do it to make him feel like he owed her. She did it because she had compassion. He realized then that while April Kepner could be irritating and frustrating at times, she was possibly the kindest person he'd ever met.

* * *

He knew very well that he'd never done anything to deserve the kindness she showed him – it was quite the opposite actually. That was the reason why he now stood at Arizona's house, waiting for April to open the door. It had nothing to do with Arizona or Nathan. Alex Karev was a douche and a jerk when he wanted to be, but no matter how much he tried to hide it, he was always a guy with a big heart.

After ringing the doorbell for the second time and still being met with silence, he realized the door wasn't probably going to open from the inside, which didn't surprise him. He expected it. Arizona expected it too, which was why she told him where she hid the spare key to her place.

Taking the key from under the flower pot by the side of the door – and rolling his eyes at the lameness of its hiding place – Alex opened the front door and entered the house, feeling a bit awkward and nervous.

As he walked in, he heard sounds coming from the television in the living room so he made his way there. April was sitting on the sofa as she stared blankly at the empty space in front of her. She wasn't looking at the TV, and it was obvious to him that she didn't hear him come in. She didn't even notice him standing there. Alex was surprised to see that she wasn't crying. He face showed no dry tears or red-rimmed eyes.

What Alex saw instead was worse. She looked completely lifeless, all the bubbling life and energy she once had gone. He cleared his throat in order to snap her out of the trance she was in.

"Alex," she said, surprised.

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"What's it look like?" he answered uneasily as he shifted his weight between his feet. He really didn't want to say the reason out loud, but April just kept looking at him so he had no choice. "I came to see if you're alright."

April blinked. "Why?"

"Why not?" he countered. He was clearly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going. He wanted to talk about her problems, not why he cared about them.

"Because…" she began, but she couldn't think of anything to say so the word just hung in the air.

"Look, I'm trying to be a friend here," he said, frustrated and also somewhat embarrassed. "If you're just going to insult me then screw it, I'm leaving." He turned to leave.

"I'm not insulting you," she said hurriedly. "I just…"

Alex faced her again. "You just what?"

"I just thought that maybe Jackson might've sent you," she whispered.

Sighing, Alex sat on the opposite end of the sofa. "He didn't," he said gently.

"I know. Arizona did," she said.

"Yeah." And then he added, "But I haven't seen Jackson today so who knows? He probably would've asked me where you were if he knew I'd be coming here."

April nodded her head but didn't bother to ask Alex any more questions about it. She believed him. She just didn't think there was any significance to it anymore. She knew enough to think that even if Jackson knew where she was, it didn't mean he'd be standing right in front of her now.

Alex, who wasn't complaining about the silence that fell between them but who also felt that he had to say something, spoke up again. "Do you, uh, want to talk or…?"

April looked at him with tired eyes. "I feel like I've done nothing but talk about it, Alex," she said. "Nathan sends me an email everyday asking me about it. Arizona's been leaving me a million voicemails on my phone. I just… I want to stop talking about it for a while."

"Okay," he replied. And then, as an afterthought, he asked, "How long is that gonna last, Apes?"

His question drew a small chuckle from April. It'd been years since he last called her that. Back then, she found it annoying – he only called her that because he felt sorry for her. Now, though, it had a different effect. She knew he did it to attempt to make her feel better, and it did. She was also touched that Alex knew her well enough to know that sooner or later, she'd give in to her nature and spill.

"Not long."

* * *

Earlier that morning, while her roommates were still asleep, April quietly made her way out the house and drove off to her lawyer's office. When she got to the parking lot at seven in the morning, the office was still closed, and for that she was grateful. It was one thing to drive there, it was a whole other thing to actually go in and talk to the lawyer.

Last night, she gathered up the little dignity she felt she had left and went to Jackson's apartment. She wanted him to stop her from coming to the very place she was now in. There she was, telling him that she felt like giving up, only for Jackson to basically tell her to leave. It disintegrated the smallest of hopes that remained.

" _What are you going to do?"_ Nathan asked her after she finished telling him what happened.

After a long silence, she answered, _"Sleep… he's not the only one who wants some damn sleep."_

April continued to sit in her parked car long after the lawyer's office opened. Her eyes were trained on the front doors. Five more minutes, she told herself, and then she would get out of the car and walk through those doors. When the five minutes was up, she gave herself another five minutes. She repeated the cycle a dozen times more.

When she realized that she was there for almost two hours, she sighed, started the car and drove it out of the parking lot as she cursed herself. She couldn't do it, and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

Sometime between leaving the parking lot and coming up the driveway of Arizona's house, the throbbing pain had gradually transformed into this imperceptible but ever-constant grief that was slowly eating away at her.

She couldn't cry anymore – even that felt too tiring for her to do. And she had no tears left. She had no hope to hold on to anymore. All she had was a house that didn't feel like home and a husband who wasn't.

They were ships in the night, and it had dawned on her that his ship had finally sailed too far away for her to catch up to it.

She turned on the TV, intending to distract herself from the massive hole in her chest that kept getting bigger and bigger. It didn't take long though for her mind to drift away. She didn't even realize that she was staring at the wall until she saw Alex standing in front of her.

* * *

After a couple of minutes of silence with nothing but the sound of the wall clock ticking, April let out a big exhale. "Okay," she simply said.

Alex smirked. It's about time, he thought.

"Okay," he said in return.

April met his eyes. "This is it, huh? For Jackson and me," she said. "This is the end."

"What do you want to hear?"

She paused. Their friendship wasn't always amicable. He'd made her cry a couple of times before with his vulgarity and rudeness. But there were also moments when he surprised her with his sudden, and always subtle, acts of compassion. Even though their friendship never really ran deeper than trading insults and her washing his dirty underpants, it was, in its own peculiar way, a genuine one.

And if there was anything she could always count on Alex for, it has his honesty – his brutal, most of the time unwanted and unfiltered honesty. He wasn't Alex if he didn't say something that would rile her up but that would also make her ponder on it later on.

"The truth, Alex."

Breaking eye contact, Alex began to fidget with his fingers. It was easy to mention _her_ in passing, but it had been a long time since he last truly talked about her.

He inhaled deeply. "I never liked talking about my marriage because I honestly like to pretend it never happened," he started off saying. "Izzie and I got married kinda similar to you and Jackson. It was unplanned and unexpected. And when I proposed, we got married right after. It was pretty badass."

"And then Izzie left," he said candidly. "She thought I cost her her job so she left. No goodbye, no warning… just a freakin' Dear John letter in my locker. For weeks, I had no idea where she was. And then when she came back, she wanted us to go back to how we were like she never abandoned me and left me out to dry."

"And you said no," April stated.

At the time, Mercy West had just merged with Seattle Grace, and there was still competition between the residents. So while she knew that Izzie Stevens was Alex's wife and that she got fired, she didn't care enough about her competitors to find out much else. She didn't even know Izzie came back. Maybe it happened right after she herself got fried, she thought.

"If she came back to me sooner, I probably would've said yes," he said thoughtfully. "But by then, I'd already moved on. I realized that I deserved better."

April nodded her head. "And Jackson deserves better," she added softly.

Alex met her gaze. "He does," he agreed. "I don't know what it is with you women, why you leave the moment something bad happens. Izzie, Christina, Mer, even Shepherd. I honestly thought of all the women in that hospital, you'd be the last one to go down that road."

April sighed in frustration. "Alex, I –"

"I'm not done yet," he said, raising up a hand to cut her off. "I understand why you felt you had to leave. I work with babies, I'm around them all the time. You'd think I'd learn to take it better if, you know, if one of them doesn't make it. But I haven't, and it's not even my own kid. Izzie left because she was angry, but you... you left because… what I'm saying is I understand why you felt you had to leave. I just don't understand why you didn't choose to stay."

April looked down at her lap.

Alex added, "But I do know that whatever your reason is for leaving, you felt it was important enough for you to put your marriage on hold. We don't talk that much, but I've seen enough to know you. I know you put everyone else first before you. I know you don't make decisions lightly. And I know that you leaving probably hurt you as much as it hurt Jackson. Yeah, you made a mistake, but it's a mistake worth forgiving. You just need to stop keeping things from him, and just tell him everything."

"I don't keep things from Jackson," she tried to argue.

"Really? Does he know that you spent the months following Samuel's death staring at newborn babies at the nursery whenever you thought the rest of us were in the cafeteria?" he asked pointedly.

April was speechless. She didn't think anyone saw her.

"Yeah, I know. I saw you. Five times," he said confidently. "And it's not like the nurses over there wouldn't think to ask me about you. I just never told you because it was none of my business."

She averted her gaze, embarrassed that he had caught her. "Even if I tell him, it's not going to change anything. It's just one more reason to divorce me," she stated.

For the first time since he started talking, Alex didn't know what to say. Divorce. She said it out loud.

"I know he's been saying it, Alex. To Ben, probably to you too… divorce," she said. There was no anger or emotion in her voice. It was as though she was simply stating facts.

"I almost went to my lawyer today, made it to the parking lot and all. I figured, it's what he wants, you know? Maybe I should just give him that. Maybe I owe it to him to do what he wants," she said, her eyes pleaded with his for understanding. "But I just, I couldn't. I was sitting in my car trying to convince myself to do it, but I couldn't. I can't help but feel that this isn't supposed to be how we end."

April held her head in her hands. "But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm Izzie. I left, and I came back too late. Maybe he does deserve better."

"You didn't leave to spite him, April. You didn't leave without a trace or a goodbye," Alex said vehemently although he wasn't sure if April heard him. "Look at me, Kepner," he said in a firm voice.

April raised her head and met his eyes.

"Jackson does deserve better. _You_ are better," he said fervently. "You're no Izzie Stevens. I wouldn't be here talking to you right now if you were."

She continued to look at him with unreadable eyes, causing Alex to shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Then April let out a faint smile. "Thank you, Alex."

He smirked. "This is for all the times you washed my dirty clothes."

"And your skank of the week's," she added.

He shrugged his shoulders innocently.

April let out a small laugh. "Seriously, Alex. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Apes."


	24. Chapter 24

Jackson knocked on Arizona's door, more anxious than he'd ever been. After his talk with Amelia, Jackson drove straight to the first place he thought April would be. For the first time since his wife returned from overseas, he didn't want to be mad anymore. He wanted to sit down with her and just talk – no yelling, no raised voices and no one walking out on the other.

When the door finally opened, it took a while before Jackson could react. Alex Karev was the last person he expected to see.

"Karev, what are you doing here?" Jackson asked cautiously.

Instead of answering his question however, Alex replied with a question of his own. "Are you here to pick another fight or are you here to talk?"

"Talk," Jackson stammered, now totally confused. Aside from that one time he told Jackson to check on April, Alex had always made it clear that he wanted to stay as far away from their marriage troubles as possible. But now, Alex was standing in front of him with his arms crossed over his chest, almost as if he was blocking the doorway. Was Alex actually looking out for April?

"Why are you here, Alex?"

Alex rolled his eyes in frustration. Why was it always that question they kept asking?

"Look, Nathan told me to look out for her, which I thought I wouldn't really need to do since you're here," he said. "But since you're doing a crappy job at it, I had to step in."

Offended, Jackson was about to respond when Alex continued. "Look, dude, you better get your crap together. I get you're mad, you have every right to be. But come on, it's been, what, a month now? I think that's more than enough time for you to sit around and pout at the whole freakin' world. Now if you really want to start focusing on fixing your marriage, get off your damn high horse and talk to your wife."

"Why do you think I'm here? To pay Robbins a visit?" Jackson shot back.

Alex merely smirked. That would be a sight to see, he thought.

"I want to talk to April," Jackson said through clenched teeth.

To his shock, Alex abruptly closed the door on his face. For a second, Jackson just stood there motionless with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. He was about to start banging on the door when it opened again. Alex, now holding his car keys, stepped out and walked past him, making his way to his car.

"She's asleep on the couch. You might have to wait awhile," Alex called over his shoulder, not even bothering to look back. "Also, you have three hours before Robbins' shift ends."

When Alex drove off, Jackson turned to look at the open doorway. Hesitantly, he entered and made is way to the living room. When he got there, the sight that greeted him tugged at his heart. April was lying sideways on the couch, her head resting on her arm. She looked so vulnerable. But more importantly, to Jackson, she looked as beautiful as ever.

* * *

The last thing April remembered before falling asleep was Alex complaining about some bad call a referee made. They or rather he was watching a basketball game when she began to doze off. After having the most heartfelt conversation April felt they would ever have, Alex surprised her by sticking around. She expected him to leave right after he'd made his point, but instead he took the remote and switched the channel to ESPN.

Now, as she stirred awake, she could still hear sound coming from the TV, but it didn't seem like it was the basketball game anymore. She didn't know how long she was asleep for, but she figured it must've been quite long since the room was considerably darker than earlier. Rubbing her eyes, she slowly sat up from the couch and looked to her side, at the sofa Alex was sitting on earlier.

The drowsiness and fatigue she felt disappeared in an instant and were replaced with surprise and a bubbling sense of wonder. Instead of Alex, Jackson was seated on the sofa, the remote in his hands and his eyes closed. He had fallen asleep too.

For a moment, she allowed herself to stare at him wistfully. How long had it been since she last saw him like this? She couldn't believe that more than a year had passed since she last slept with her husband, and it wasn't even the sex she thought of. It was simply sleeping with him, being by his side as he dreamed. It was the way he curled his arm around her waist, tenderly pulling her into him as she leaned on his chest. She never felt safer and more at peace anywhere else than with him holding her like that.

Careful not to make too much noise, April stood up from the couch and tiptoed the few steps to where Jackson was sleeping. Quietly and gently, she draped the blanket she'd been holding on Jackson's sleeping form. As she did so, Jackson's eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," he said groggily as he sat up straight.

"Hi," she greeted.

"How long have I been out?"

"I don't know. I just woke up a few minutes ago myself," she said. "When did you get here?"

Jackson looked at his watch. "Uh, half an hour ago. I came from the hospital."

"Oh," was all she could say. After a while, she cleared her throat. "What are you doing here?"

Jackson looked anxious for a second. And then getting his bearings together, he answered, "I, uh, I want us to talk, April. I've uh, I've never really given us the chance to just sit down and talk about… us. I know it might be too late, with the way we ended our conversation last night, but –"

"I didn't meet with the lawyer," she blurted out. "I was in that parking lot for an hour, trying to convince myself to walk in there. But I couldn't. I… I'm not done fighting for us yet. I know I said I'm giving up, but… Jackson, I can't give up on this, on us."

"I never wanted you to," he said softly.

For a moment, they just sat there in silence, neither of them sure how to proceed. It was the first time they really sat down with the intention of discussing their problems, and it almost felt awkward and unnatural.

Jackson was the one to break the silence. "I want to understand why you left, why you went away. What we went through with Samuel, it's… it's excruciating, and the pain… it never goes away. I know you felt like you needed to escape, and I get why you thought that going to Jordan would keep your mind off that, but… I mean, why did you go? Why did you… leave me?"

His voice held no trace of anger or resentment anymore, unlike their previous exchanges. Now, it was just confusion and sadness, and that made April's heart ache more than anything.

She took a deep breath. "I lost Samuel," she whispered in a quivering voice as she wiped away a tear.

"We lost Samuel, April," he said gently but firmly. " _We_ lost him."

April looked at him with a pained expression. "I know that, I know... But… I _lost_ him, Jackson," she said pleadingly as her right hand hovered over her stomach. "I… _lost_ him. He was inside me, he was a part of me. And then… he was gone."

She covered her face with her hands and worked to compose herself. "I left because I needed to get away from this place. Everything here didn't just remind me of the pain and of the loss. It made me relive it over and over again. I used to spend my free time in the hospital nursery just looking at babies… I couldn't stop. I just, I couldn't be here and not dwell on Samuel. And I couldn't deal with it anymore."

"Why did you have to hide that from me? Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I couldn't. The last thing I wanted to do was to make you feel worse because of me. I didn't want you to feel what I was feeling."

"April, that's what I'm here for. I'm supposed to be the one to make you feel better," he said passionately. "It's what I signed up to do. It's what I _want_ to do."

"I know that and I love you so much because of it. But Jackson, I didn't want you to make me feel better. You trying to make me feel better would only make me feel worse because…" she inhaled before saying in an almost inaudible whisper, "Because I didn't want to feel better yet."

"I didn't want to be okay," she added. "I wanted to hurt. When I got to Jordan, no one knew what happened to me. No one knew that I'd lost a baby and that I carried that loss with me everywhere I went. And I needed that. I needed to be able to not be okay."

"You couldn't do that here? With me?"

"I…" April hesitated. It wasn't a question she wanted to answer, but after some thought, she answered it anyway. There was no point delaying the inevitable, and that was what the truth was – inevitable.

"No," she said finally. "No, I couldn't do that here, not with everyone feeling sorry for me and constantly looking over my shoulder, like they were waiting for me to fall apart."

She paused to let that sink in. Or maybe to give herself more time because she dreaded her next words. Looking straight into her husband's beautiful eyes, she continued, "And no, not with you either."

Jackson drew in a sharp breath, but before he could say anything, April pushed on. "Jackson, I could see how you were trying your hardest to move forward. I didn't want to drag you down with me when you were already trying to pick yourself up.

"I could've helped you," he said.

"No, you couldn't," she said quietly.

"You're telling me there wasn't anything I could've done? Nothing?"

When she didn't answer, he looked at her sadly. "You could've at least let me try."

Rubbing the back of his neck, he continued, "It's not just you going away and leaving me here, April. It's that you left without giving me a chance to be there for you and maybe show you that you didn't need to leave in order to heal. I mean, would it have really been so bad if you had stayed here with me?"

Another pause. April knew the only way for them to have even the slightest chance of coming out of this okay was for her to tell the truth. But God did she hate it.

"No," she finally answered. "Not at first. But… I'd always be forcing myself to be okay for you until I couldn't anymore. And I'd hate myself for pretending, and I'd hate everything and everyone here for being the reason why I felt I needed to pretend. Jackson, if I stayed, I would've left eventually… and I don't think I'd ever find it in me to come back."

"So... you left because you wanted to come back to me," he said slowly, recalling his talk with Amelia.

"Yes. I lost myself, Jackson. I woke up every day not caring about anything and I hated it," she told him in a pained voice. "I just, I wanted to give a damn again. I wanted to _feel_ something. And I needed to get away for a while to do that."

Jackson nodded his head slowly. "Okay."

After a couple of minutes of silence, it was April's turn to speak up. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for shutting you out. I'm sorry for leaving you with your own grief because I couldn't handle mine. I... I'm sorry. I know these are just words to you and they may not mean much, but I really am sorry, Jackson."

Sighing, he stood up and walked to her. As he sat down next to her, he took her hand in his, seemingly oblivious to its effect on her heart. Meeting her hopeful eyes, he said, "I know."

"But you don't trust me," she said quietly. It wasn't a question. She knew.

Jackson sat there, still holding her hand. When he failed to respond, she pushed on. "I hurt you. And I wasn't honest. I hid things from you, and I left without telling you the real reason why. So you have every right not to trust me. I can promise you that I will never do that again, but I know it won't mean anything," she said.

"April –"

"Tell me what to do to fix us," she whispered.

Caressing her hair with his free hand, Jackson sighed. "April, I love you so much…"

Hearing him say those words, April felt her heart sink. The last time he said them, it didn't end well. In fact, it marked the beginning of the breakdown of their marriage.

"… _But I don't think I can be here when you come back."_

Part of her wanted to grab him and kiss him, to stop him from saying anything else.

But at the same time, another part of her desperately wanted to hear his next words no matter how painful they might be. She had opened up to him completely, had told him everything that went through her head and everything she kept in her heart. She laid herself bare, and all she wanted to know was if it were enough… if she – naked, bruised and beaten – was enough.

She closed her eyes and squeezed his hand before managing to say, "But…"

* * *

"But…" he heard her say as she gently tightened her grip on his hand.

It pained him to know that she was obviously thinking of the last time he said those words to her because he was thinking of it too. He let out a breath.

"I just…" he struggled to find his words. "April, when you left me to go to Jordan, that wasn't the first time. Every time something bad happens, the first thing you do is run, and when you do that, you leave me hanging. And I have to either run after you or wait for you to come back."

April opened her mouth and Jackson knew that she was about to deny the things he just said. But then she surprised him by closing her mouth again. The way her shoulders sagged signaled him to continue.

"I love you, April, I do. I just can't help but think that the next time something goes wrong, you're going to disappear on me again. The thought of you just running off again it's…I can't handle that anymore," he said. "I'm your husband. You're supposed to be running _to_ me, not away from me."

"You're my husband," she repeated his words softly as she looked at him longingly.

Jackson gazed at her, his eyes intently on hers. "I'm your husband."

It took a while for the implication of his words to hit her, and when it did, April couldn't help but crack a smile. But before she could say anything else, he spoke again.

"Let's take it one step at a time, okay?" he said as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I mean, I want us to make it work, but I want to do it right, you know? Take things slow. See where this takes us."

He saw April's smile falter a second before she caught herself. "Okay," she replied. "I understand."

As much as April tried to hide her disappointment, he could still see right through it and he cursed himself for it. He wanted so badly for them to go back to how they were, especially now that he could understand better where April came from.

But Jackson was, for the most part, a man of reason, and so he knew that rushing into things with April could very well lead to them exploding into irrevocable damage. That was the last thing he wanted to happen, and he was willing to do everything it took to avoid that.

"So I'll… see you tomorrow?" he asked as he slowly stood up from the couch.

He didn't want to leave.

Well, that wasn't true. He wanted to leave, remembering that Arizona would be home soon, but he wanted to take her with him. He knew, however, that doing that would be the total opposite of taking things slow.

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow," April replied.

"Goodnight, April."

"Goodnight, Jackson."

He turned to leave but April calling out to him stopped him short. There was one more thing she needed to tell him.

"Jackson."

"Yeah?" he asked, curious.

"I'm not going to run away anymore. It's okay if you don't believe me, but I'm not running away anymore," she told him earnestly. "And I'm going to prove it to you."

He smiled at her. "Thank you for, uh, not meeting with your lawyer."

"Thank you for not meeting with yours either," she said in return.

He chuckled before turning serious. "I honestly don't think I ever could have."

* * *

"I honestly don't think I ever could have," Jackson told her before leaving.

It was April's turn to smile. Part of her wished Jackson asked her to go with him. But part of her also knew that he was right about taking things slow.

Their relationship had always been about impulsive decisions – sleeping together the night before their boards, discussing marriage when they thought April was pregnant, April confessing her love to him when the bus exploded, Jackson confessing his love to her when she was already at the altar with Matthew and, most of all, them getting married right after they ran off together.

She knew their relationship was far from normal, especially by her standards. She was never one to decide on big things without a lengthy internal debate of the pros and cons, except, of course, when it came to Jackson. With him, reason took a back seat to passion.

But this was their second chance – a second chance she desperately needed – and she promised herself she wasn't going to do anything to screw this up. So when she finally went to bed that night, she slept with a faint smile on her face and a glimmer of hope in her heart.

Her and Jackson's problems weren't over yet, and they still had a long way to go. But what mattered most to her wasn't that she wouldn't be sleeping next to her husband that night… it was that they both had finally agreed on one thing.

They really were worth fighting for.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Initially, my plan was to end the story here, but I realize now (seriously, just now) that this story deserves a clear-cut ending. That said, I haven't come up with any idea yet on what the next - and probably final - chapter will be like, so I apologize in advance if I leave you hanging for a while. More importantly, I want to take this time to say how much I truly appreciate each and every one of you for being so generous with your time and effort in reading and reviewing my story. You guys make my heart all warm and happy. :)**


	25. Chapter 25

In the following days, Jackson and April were able to form a sort of mutual understanding between them. Even though they were still living apart, they were consciously working their way toward being husband and wife again.

"So you and Kepner, what's the deal?" Ben asked Jackson a few days after Jackson and April's talk while they were hanging out at the nurse's station with Callie. He tried to sound casual and not the least bit probing when, in truth, Bailey practically ordered him to find out as much as he could from the plastic surgeon.

Miranda Bailey was very professional when it came to work, but every once in a while she'd succumb to her desire to know everything about everyone in Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital, especially when it came to Jackson Avery and April Kepner. They simply intrigued the Chief of Surgery. When the two just transferred from Mercy West, she thought that April would have gotten along really well with George, and that Jackson would end up with Lexie, which he did even though it didn't last. Even as the years passed and the two got closer, particularly after the shooting which took Reed and Charle's life, she never expected they'd end up together.

But they did, and they did so in the most controversial and shocking manner. Bailey realized then that these two were different from all the other work relationships she'd witnessed in that hospital. She liked to think of them as the underdogs. They wouldn't win prom king and queen, but they might just very well outlast all the rest of them.

Baily wasn't the only curious one. A lot of the people in the hospital were also surprised when they saw the couple greet each other in the hall just two days after their massive fight in the peds exam room. They were even more surprised when the two treated each other pleasantly whenever they crossed paths in the hall or in the ER, almost as if they were friends. They would eat lunch together along with their other colleagues, even Arizona, who shocked everyone by not strangling or shooting deadly stares at Jackson. All of this did not escape Bailey's notice, so every day she'd ask her husband if he found out anything new about them.

"We're… taking it slow," Jackson answered.

"So this isn't like last time?" Callie asked.

"What do you mean?"

Callie rolled her eyes. "You know, when you tried being just friends when you never really were friends," she said, putting quotation marks when saying friends.

"Uh, no," the taller man replied with a hint of annoyance.

Callie laughed as she pat Jackson on the back. "I'm only calling it as I see it, Avery. I'm being a _friend_ here."

Jackson puffed. "Well, like I said, this isn't that."

"Oh good," Ben said. "That's good."

"Yeah, make sure to report that back to your wife," Jackson told him nonchalantly, making Callie giggle.

Caught red handed, Ben couldn't think of a response quick enough before Jackson got another word in.

"April heard both of you in the nurse's station. We're pretty flattered the Chief cares so much about our marriage," he said with a sly grin before walking away to do his rounds.

"Ooooh, he got you there," Callie told Ben.

"I think I like him better all sad and mopey," Ben muttered under his breath before jogging after his superior.

* * *

Alex opened the door to the on-call room, intending on squeezing in a quick nap before a major surgery. When he walked in, he saw April sitting on the bottom bunk of the bed looking like she had just woken up from a nap herself.

"Hey," she greeted him as she rubbed her eyes.

Alex smirked. "What, no Jackson? I'm surprised. I thought you two would be on it like rabbits now."

April rolled her eyes. "It's not like that, Alex. We're taking it slow. I haven't even moved back in yet."

" _That_ slow? What, you revirginizing again?" he teased. It was hard for him to believe that April hadn't moved back in yet with her husband, especially considering the friendly interaction they'd been having.

She shifted uncomfortably. "No, it's just… he hadn't asked me yet."

"Oh. Well, at least he's not treating you like invisible girl anymore," he said as he climbed onto the upper bunk.

"Yeah," April mumbled as she stood up and smoothed her scrubs. She was about to leave the room when a thought crossed her mind. Turning around, she stood on her toes so she could look at Alex's face. His eyes were already closed. "Alex? What if I ask him –"

"Don't," he grumbled, not even bothering to open his eyes. Without waiting for a reply, Alex turned his back to her. "Now let me sleep."

Sighing, but also smiling, April left the room. She knew it was impossible that Alex would continue his nice guy streak, but it didn't hurt to try.

* * *

Days turned into weeks, and both Jackson and April were still able to maintain the steady rhythm they had going.

One Friday night, they had dinner at Jackson's favorite Italian restaurant. It was their first date in what felt like forever, so it wasn't a surprise that it started out awkward until April decided to break the ice.

"I don't know why we're so nervous. It's just a date, right?" she quipped. "It's not like we're getting married."

Jackson laughed. The rest of the evening went by smoother as they fell at ease with each other's presence. Soon, it seemed as though their marriage never even hung in the balance. They were able to talk about the time they spent apart without feeling like they had to choose their words or skip through parts.

"It was pretty intimidating at first, being surrounded by guns all the time. I couldn't help but think of the hospital shooting," April said when Jackson asked about her tour in Jordan. Deep down, it touched her that he had finally asked her about it. From the very beginning, she wanted to share her experience with him, but she didn't want to say anything without being asked. And now there he was, listening intently to her stories, waiting for her to continue. "But after a while, I got used to it. I even learned how to fire a gun in case, you know."

"Really?" he replied, impressed. "Remind me not to piss you off then."

"It's not like I have a gun to shoot you with if you do end up making me mad," she said playfully.

"Yeah, well, I still wouldn't want to piss you off. You pack a mean punch, April Kepner," he joked.

She batted her eyes innocently. "Only if you're going to call me Plastic Kepner."

He shook his head, disbelieving, "No, you've been knocking out guys way before that. Don't you remember?"

Her eyes suddenly widened as the memory came to her. "Oh man, that was ages ago! What's his name? Carl? Patrick?"

"No, it was… Kevin?"

"Yes! Kevin Banks!" she said excitedly. "That douche. I bet he got my spot at Case Western after they turned me down."

"At least you got to punch him in the face. That's a consolation," he offered.

"If I knew he'd take my spot, I would've punched him… lower," she snickered. "Although I can't imagine what Chief Webber would've said if he saw me do _that._ "

"He wouldn't know if we made a quick getaway."

"Are you kidding me?" she giggled. "Our getaway was anything but subtle and quick. We were laughing all the way to my room, and then…" She stopped, suddenly remembering the events that unfolded after that.

Jackson met her gaze intesnely. "And then."

April looked down at the pumpkin ravioli on her plate as she tried to hide her cheeks that were slowly turning red. Clearing her throat, April changed the subject before it could lead to them doing something too… spontaneous.

"You know, I never really found out what happened to our couch while I was gone," she said. "Something about wine and baseball?"

"Oh that," he replied, surprised that she actually remembered that little detail from one of their brief video chats before. "Yeah, that was all Karev's fault."

April raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Okay, not all Karev's fault," Jackson admitted. "We won the league so there was jumping and celebrating and wine."

"I'm betting there was even some screaming involved."

"Oh, manly screaming, for sure."

"Our couch didn't stand a chance," she said, smiling as she took a sip of her wine.

"You're not upset that we ruined a $400 couch?" he asked with a grin.

April shrugged. "First of all, _you_ ruined it. Second of all, I never really liked that couch anyway. You're the one who picked that out."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I never sent out my laundry the whole time you were gone," he said proudly.

"Seriously? Jackson Avery, I think I'm finally rubbing off on you."

He chuckled. "Not that much. I didn't go to work wearing my swim trunks."

They both laughed. Throughout their meal, they continued to talk about anything and everything they could think of. At one point, April unwittingly voiced out a thought that crossed her mind when a couple walked past their table carrying a baby boy.

"Samuel would've been almost two now," she said, surprising Jackson. Her voice was calm and even, with a hint of sadness but also of peace. When she realized what she said, she panicked. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I was thinking out loud."

Jackson put his hand over hers. "It's okay," he said soothingly. "I miss him too."

There was a sad smile on her face.

"Hey, I have a question," he told her.

"What?"

"Do you, uh…" he hesitated. "Do you ever think about, you know, how your life would be if you never ran off with me on your wedding day? If you… if you married Matthew instead of me?"

April leaned her head slightly on one side as she realized what he had asked her. That was the last thing she expected him to ask. The truth was no matter how difficult and painful their marriage had been, not once did she stop and think about that particular what-if scenario. And she couldn't figure out why Jackson obviously did.

"No. No, I don't ever think about it," she answered him simply. "I'm thinking about it now though."

"Oh," he said as he used his fork to play with the pasta on his plate. "And?"

"And I think I never would've discovered this insanely good pumpkin ravioli if I were still with Matthew. He was more of a burrito person," she said, which made Jackson chuckle. He was about to lean back on his seat when April, similar to what he did just seconds ago, held his hand.

"We never would've had Samuel," she told him, serious and sincere. "As much as it hurts to think about losing him, the thought of never having him hurts way more. And everything we've been through – the good and the bad – I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. You're my person, Jackson Avery."

Jackson looked at her with his piercing eyes. He could've sworn he could literally feel himself falling for her all over again. Swallowing hard, he was about to open his mouth and say something when April's pager went off, much to his disappointment.

"It's alright," he assured her when she looked at him ruefully. "Duty calls, it's fine."

She gave an appreciative smile. "I had fun tonight. I, uh, I missed this."

"I do too," he said. And he truly meant it. "So, talk to you tomorrow?"

"Of course! Goodnight, Jackson," she replied with the usual perkiness in her voice before standing up to leave.

* * *

The following day, April was late for work. She was never late for work. She was never late for anything. Except today.

The night before, what she thought was just going to be at most a one-hour visit to the hospital turned into an 8-hour shift. She was about to leave when the ER was suddenly flooded with trauma victims from a highway collision and there weren't enough staff personnel to accommodate all the patients. Seeing the bleak situation, the trauma attending immediately volunteered to work overtime. She initially thought she'd be there for just a few hours more. She didn't expect to be in an operating room with Amelia and Maggie for five hours straight, trying to save the life of the drunk driver who caused the incident.

By the time she got to Arizona's place, she was too exhausted to even take a shower. She immediately headed straight to the guest bedroom, her home for the last two months, plopped on the bed face first and drifted off to sleep.

The long and grueling shift and the exhaustion it brought made her sleep through the ringing of her alarm clock. When she woke up, it was already three hours into her shift. Panicking, she hurriedly took a quick shower, got ready and ran straight to her car, passing DeLuca along the way who had just gotten home from his shift.

"You're late!" he shouted over his shoulder when she ran past him.

"You're an ass!" she shouted right back at him before she got in her car.

While driving to work, she constantly had to keep herself from rushing through traffic and driving faster than she normally would. It didn't matter that she was already late regardless of how soon she got to the hospital. To her, it was the principle of being in a hurry to avoid or, in her case, lessen her tardiness.

She was, however, still April Kepner, and April Kepner was the last person on earth who would deliberately disobey traffic safety and regulations. So instead of speeding up to try and catch the yellow light, she slowed down and waited, albeit impatiently, for the light to turn green.

As she waited, she hummed along to the music from the radio all the while thinking of her date with Jackson last night. They'd come a long way, her and Jackson.

She thought of the night she returned from her second tour. Jackson couldn't even take being in the same room as her, let alone talk to her. But now, she felt reconnected to him. And she was finally herself again. Opening up to Jackson paved the way for her to completely heal and let go of everything that held her underwater. Now, for the first time in a very long time, there was a bounce to her step, a spark in her eyes.

When the light turned green, she stepped on the gas as her humming turned into full-blown rapping when Iggy's Trouble began to play on the radio. She couldn't help it – it was her jam.

Too caught up in the song, April didn't hear the screeching tires heading her way until it was too late.

* * *

Standing in the pit, Jackson tried not to be bothered by April's tardiness. He found out through Arizona earlier that day that April didn't come home 'til six in the morning. So while he'd never seen April arrive late for work in all the years he'd known her, he was aware that it shouldn't be surprising – or worrying – that she was now.

Since their talk at Arizona's three weeks ago, he had been in a better mood, and he could see that April was in a better mood too. Gradually, he saw the light in her flicker on and it continued to shine brighter as the days went by. It warmed his heart to see her slowly returning to the way she was before Samuel died. And truth be told, he could say the same thing about himself as well. For the longest time after April came back, he felt uncomfortable and unsure of himself. But last night, he felt good, genuinely good, about himself.

Their dinner date was proof enough that she was the only one who could ever do that, could make him see the best in him and that he was the only one who could make her feel at home, could make her truly be herself. Sometime between appetizers and the main course, it dawned on him that he invited her to dinner for the purpose of telling her that very thing. But before he could, she got called back to the hospital.

When he got to work at 9 a.m., he was surprised to find that April hadn't shown up yet. When an hour passed, he began to get anxious. Tardiness was never a trait of hers. He could probably see her arriving to work five or ten minutes late, although ten minutes was already pushing it, but an hour?

By noon, he allowed his worries to get the best of him. Shaking his head, he took out his phone and dialed April's number. When it went straight to voicemail, he walked up to the nurse's station before his brain could convince him otherwise – _you're clearly overreacting_. He picked up the phone and dialed Arizona's home number.

"Hello?" DeLuca answered lazily.

"Dr. DeLuca, it's Dr. Avery. Is Dr. Kepner there?" he asked, making sure his voice sounded professional and superior to the intern.

"Oh, uh, she left about five minutes ago," DeLuca answered, suddenly alert. "She should be there in 15 minutes."

"Okay," he said simply, hanging up the phone before the intern could respond.

Just then, his pager went off, informing him that one of his patients was all prepped for surgery. Before he rushed off though, he approached Cross who was assigned to the ER that day.

"Page me when Dr. Kepner arrives," he instructed, to which Cross immediately nodded his head in obedience.

* * *

His surgery didn't take long even though it should have. He was in the operating room for only an hour, working on a patient with third degree burns when the old man suddenly coded. His injuries were too much for his heart to handle, and he suffered a massive stroke on the operating table.

It was the first time in a while that Jackson lost a patient. The loss weighed heavy on his heart, adding to the sense of dread he was already feeling since he came to work and found no April.

As he was scrubbing out, his pager went off again. It was Cross. He hurriedly dried his hands and made his way to the ER. Maybe he could talk to her before the ER got swamped, he thought to himself.

When he swung open the doors to the pit, he was met by a nervous-looking Cross.

"Where's Dr. Kepner?" he asked the scrawny intern.

"I, uh," Cross stuttered. "Uhm, Dr. Avery, she –"

"Dr. Avery," Owen suddenly called out to him as he swiftly approached the two. Turning to the intern, Owen instructed, "I'll handle this. Go check on Dr. Kepner."

Turning on his heels, Cross made his quick escape. While he loved working under April, her husband intimidated him, especially when the plastic surgeon's attention was solely focused on him.

Jackson's eyes widened as Owen's words began to sink in. "What do you mean check on Dr. Kepner?"

"Jackson –"

"What happened? Where's April?" he demanded.

Owen calmly answered, "April was in a car accident, and –"

"What? Is she okay? Where is she?" he said, panicking as he tried to move past Owen to look for her.

Anticipating that reaction, Owen gently but firmly held his arms to keep him from rushing off. "Listen, Avery, April is okay. She's fine. She only suffered some cuts and bruises on her face and arms. We –"

"And you're sure it's just that? What about a concussion? There could be –"

"We checked everything. CT scan and MRI came out clean. Amelia and Torres both cleared her. We were very thorough," the head of trauma reassured him. "And per Robbins' advice, or more specifically, demand, I'm giving her the rest of the day off to rest."

He was about to rush off to the exam room April was in when a thought came to his head. "Dr. Hunt, where's Chief Bailey?"

* * *

As Jackson neared the room, he could see April through the open blinds. She was sitting upright, her head wrapped in a bandage, as she scanned through the ER charts. He stopped at the doorway, taking a second to look at her as she hummed a melody of a song he constantly heard on the radio.

Preoccupied with the patient charts she was reading, she didn't notice Jackson standing in the doorway.

"Hey," he greeted her. He hoped his voice didn't betray the surge of emotion he suddenly felt upon seeing her… safe.

She looked up at him. "Oh hi," she said, flashing him a smile.

Entering the room, he stood a comfortable distance away from her. "I heard what happened. How are you feeling?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "It kind of feels like gym class when Katie Anderson practically smashed my skull in with a volleyball," she said casually which caused Jackson to chuckle lightly.

"Seriously though, April, are you okay?" he asked again. He was smiling but the concern was very apparent in his voice.

"Yes. Other than some cuts and a headache, I'm fine," she answered appreciatively. "Hunt's giving me the day off today. I'm just waiting to sign the release forms. It's funny, I literally just woke up an hour ago, and now I'm excited to go back to bed again."

"Where's your car?"

"Repair shop, although by the looks of it, I wouldn't be surprised if they brought it straight to the junk shop." And then her cheerful demeanor faltered. "Oh God, the repair's gonna cost me a fortune."

"But if your car's over there, how are you going to get to –"

"Oh right, Andrew will pick me up. It's the least he could do since I make him breakfast practically every day for the last, what, two months? I can't believe I'm going to say this but he might actually be worse than you and Alex. At least you two don't leave your dirty underpants outside my door like I'm your personal laundry mat."

Her babbling was met with silence. For a moment, Jackson just stood there quietly. He was looking at her, but he appeared lost in his own thoughts, which didn't escape April's notice.

"How about you? Are you okay?" she asked as she eyed him curiously, patting the space beside her. "You have that serious look on your face."

He arched his brows questioningly at her as he sat down.

"Oh, you know," she said. "That look you have when you try to pretend your mind isn't going a thousand miles an hour when it clearly is."

Rubbing his nape in admittance, he answered, "Just a rough day is all. I, uh, I just lost a patient."

Putting her hand on his arm, she smiled at him sadly. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

Jackson looked at her in awe. There she was, cuts and bruises on her face and arm, and yet she was the one asking him if she could do anything to make him feel better.

It occurred to him then that the whole thing was reminiscent to something that happened years ago.

" _I want you, Jackson… I want you."_

She poured out her heart to him in the ER on that stormy night, when the bus exploded and she thought she'd lost him forever. In the split second after hearing April had gotten into a car accident, the idea that she was gone from him forever hit him like a knife in his heart.

And now that he was sitting next to her, looking at her and hearing her breathe, the idea of her not being truly and completely his again felt terrifyingly unnatural and wrong.

He had loved only her and no one else. She had given him her all –her delicate heart, her steadfast loyalty and her little quirks and eccentricities included, and he loved them all. There was no one else who could ever accept her as wholeheartedly and unquestioningly as he did. No one else would ever love her as much as he did.

And she loved him more than she ever thought she could love. She didn't just love his looks and his actions; she didn't even see any of that whenever she looked at him. As much as everyone else loved his eyes and his abs, she loved his heart, his soul and his whole being infinitely more. She was the only one who could see right through him, and he found comfort in that. He found comfort in her. And he knew with all the certainty in the world that he would never find that kind of comfort in anyone else.

They were completely different from each other. They didn't share the same beliefs. They didn't come from the same background. They knew their future would have disagreements and fights. But over the years, throughout their friendship and marriage, they'd come to realize that theirs was a love that could conquer their differences. Theirs was a love that could forgive, that would endure.

She was his, and he was hers. And with that thought in mind, he knew there was only one thing left to do.

"Yeah," Jackson said. He gave her a smile that he reserved only for her as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, resting his hand on the crook of her neck.

"Yeah?" April asked, smiling as well as she laid her hand over his. "What is it?"

"Come home with me."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Well, that's it! :) I hope this last chapter does Jackson and April justice. Just a little info, the title of the story is named after the beautiful song of the amazing Gavin DeGraw. The idea of this whole story came to me while I was listening to that song, also I think it perfectly sums up Jackson and April's relationship in this story and hopefully in the show as well, so have a listen to it when you can. Anyway, thank you again (and again and again) to each and every one of you who took the time to read, follow, favorite or/and review. This is my first time writing a FanFic, and I definitely did not expect it to be this big (to me, at least) when I first started, so all your kind words are immensely appreciated and treasured. I'm not sure if/when a next story will be, to be honest. I invested so much of my time and daydreams (seriously) to this story that starting on another one right away seems a bit overwhelming to me right now. We'll see where this FanFic endeavor of mine leads me. :)**


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